Charlie gazed down into the baron valley marveling at the engineering wonder of Colony Armstrong. The entire lunar city was now a glow as the inhabitants prepared for the coming lunar eclipse, taking advantage of the artificial sunlighting system. An aura of yellow light emanated from the many domed structures penetrating the black and gray back drop. “Damn, that’s sexy,” Charlie remarked, adjusting inside his $4 million suit.
“Is that you Chuck?” Asi asked on the COM link in a deep Samoan accent.
“Well who else would it be?” Charlie answered.
“Man Chuck, you need to quit leaving us in the dark for so long. At least check in every now and then.”
“Now what would be the fun in that,” Charlie argued, gesturing

Charlie gazed down into the baron[BARREN] valley[COMMA] marveling at the engineering wonder of Colony Armstrong. The entire lunar city was now a glow[ AGLOW] as the inhabitants prepared for the coming lunar eclipse, taking advantage of the artificial sunlighting system. An aura of yellow light emanated[RADIATED] from the many domed structures penetrating the black and gray back drop. “Damn, that’s sexy,” Charlie remarked, adjusting inside his $4 million suit.
“Is that you Chuck?” Asi asked on the COM link in a deep Samoan accent.
“Well who else would it be?” Charlie answered.
“Man Chuck, you need to quit leaving us in the dark for so long. At least check in every now and then.”
“Now what would be the fun in that,” Charlie argued, gesturing as if in the same room as his opponent, “I’ve got to keep you guy’s on your toes, keep your minds fresh.”

edited to correct code

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 06, 2008).]

I like the piece and the tone. The prose is good. Dialogue is good. A few nits.

1) Too many references to the light. Try and mention it once and then leave it--no point painting the same bit of the picture again and again.
2)Is the moon turned toward the sun or is it in the shade (lunar day or night). I would imagine they would still need lights on either way, but it would effect the 'view' in the valley.
3) We have built a lunar colony of what seems a fairly big-size yet a guy in a space suit can walk out of contact. Presumably he hasn't been camping, you don't mention a vehicle, or a partner (Never go alone--first rule, and that's diving). I would seriously doubt that if we (humanity) pursued this type project we wouldn't have a couple of micro-sats orbiting so that we could have full coms in the local area operations--it would be on of the first things you would consider. You may bypass this requirement by having a fuse (read something really complicated that needs a replacement shipped from earth) blown and they are forced to use 'older' comms systems.
4) You would get in serious trouble for not following protocols on a project like this (checking in)--not certain this 'buck rogers' attitude rings true. I would go with an ampifier circuit going or something...someone techy could give you a good 'real' reason. Although if they were monitoring him using the suits telemetry (lunar gps, blood pressure, breathing etc) they just be miffed he hasn't spoken to them.

Adam

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 07, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 07, 2008).]

quote:

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Charlie gazed down into the baron valley marveling at the engineering wonder of Colony Armstrong. The entire lunar city was now a glow as the inhabitants prepared for the coming lunar eclipse, taking advantage of the artificial sunlighting system. An aura of yellow light emanated from the many domed structures penetrating the black and gray back drop.

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This could be tightened, here's how:

Charlie gazed into the baron valley. He marveled at the engineering wonder of Colony Armstrong. The lunar city glowed as the inhabitants prepared for the lunar eclipse, using the artificial sunlighting system. Yellow light emanated from domed structures, penetrating the darkness.

Of course it's not perfect, but there are fewer words. Using fewer words to convey the same point is always better. I think it could tightened even more, but I didn't want to change it too much. In two sentences, you have two descriptions of the city glowing. I can get the same image in one. Pick one, cut the other.

The dialogue is great, but don't seperate the dialogue with meaningless physical action. Why show me that Charlie gestured? Aside from the fact that "gestured" is not a specific action, it just doesn't add to the story. Keep the story flowing.

There's not really a hook yet, but it's just the first 13, so I'm not real concerned.

quote:

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There's not really a hook yet, but it's just the first 13, so I'm not real concerned.

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From what I understand this is going to be an entry in an international competition, so I would be worried by the lack of hook in the first 13. The guys wading through all the entries will discard those with no hook and read through the ones with a hook.

If your Charlie glanced at his o2 level worried he may not get back to the colony in time following the micro-meteor strike that took out his longdistance coms link and vehicle...that is a hook...

As the Once and ....said you lack any clear conflict. I am mildly hooked by the whole lunar colony thing, but every story in the competition will have elements like this. I do reckon you need something in the first few lines...

Here is the scenario they want straight from the National Space Society short story competition website. Maybe this will clear things up a bit.

-SCENARIO: You're returning from a hike in the Moon's Apennine Mountains, following the ancient trail of bootprints back to the settlement. For three days your suit has protected you on your journey through the lunar wilderness, a hike unlike any on Earth. You've scaled mountains, traversed craters, repelled down massive boulders. And now you've crested the last hill and the valley spreads out before you. The colony's sprawling complex awaits. You're almost home.

Thanks for all the comments from everyone thus far, I plan to revise shortly and then I will repost.

http://tinyurl.com/36hwtw

From those guidelines I gather they want a REAL story. As with all these competitions THE BEST STORY WILL WIN -- and we all know a story needs a series of hooks. The backdrop is merely the luna environment.

quote:

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Charlie remarked, adjusting inside his $4 million suit.

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The first time I read this, I thought Charlie had on a $4 million dollar three-piece (i.e. tuxedo) suit and that he was standing unprotected outside on the moon. My first thought was, "Man, inflation sure has gone up!"; my second thought was, "Why isn't he dead?" I re-read the sentence and decided he must be inside some so-far unmentioned vehicle that held air. I also realized he "adjusted inside his suit" instead of "adjusted his suit," and thought he must be squirming because this expensive suit is itchy or something.

It's sad to say I didn't realize this was a space suit until another critique pointed that out. You might want to make it clear this is a space suit for people like me. Even if I knew it was a space suit, I'm not sure what movement you want me to imagine when you say he adjusted inside his suit. Is he changing the settings? If so, how? Is he moving around because he's sweaty or because the suit is heavy and is the suit really loose enough that one can move around inside it like you can a sweatshirt? As in, please be more specific so I can imagine what you are describing instead of skimming over it because it's so generic I can't (quickly) imagine what you're referring to.

“Is that you, Chuck?"
In the following dialogue, here are a few more spots where you'll want some and be sure to find similar places when you have a finished manuscript, too.
{See? Always off-set "too" as well.}

“Is that you Chuck?” Asi asked on the COM link in a deep Samoan accent.
“Well[,] who else would it be?” Charlie answered.
“Man[,] Chuck, you need to quit leaving us in the dark for so long. At least check in every now and then.”
“Now[,] what would be the fun in that,” Charlie argued, gesturing

Another point: I don't know what a Samoan accent is and I think there are a lot of others without exposure to it who may read this. A little description may bog it down here, but think about whether that's an effective word.

His reaction to the view was perfectly clear to me, though, and funny. I'd be hooked for a moment by the personality walking on.