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“Ha. Ha. Ha. That one was – really - funny Shane. Now c'mon, I’ve got to get you home before sunrise.” It was late again. Too late. A heavy dose of regret shot through John as he pulled his wobbling friend into the cool night outside their favorite pub. Shane was being more belligerent than normal, which usually meant trouble. Last time he had been like this he had bitten a waitress for taking away his beer and John had to bribe her not to call the police, leaving them broke for the rest of the week. He had honestly thought about kicking Shane out of the apartment that night - and all John wanted tonight was to get Shane home where he would pass out and wake up to be the friend John had known for so many years. _______________________________________________
So, I'm self publishing this on my blog, which means its completely useless for anything else... but I would still like to get some feedback from the pros at Hatrack. Can anyone tell me where my attempt at a hook is?
posted
Very good. I can't find much of anything to critique away on it. About the only thing that comes to mind is that I've heard its bad to introduce too many characters at once. You should start with one, then slowly work in more. So "maybe" you could not introduce John's name up front. Although, personally, it didn't trip me up at all.
It draws me in. It interests me. I want to know more about John and Shane's history.
Where my mind was taking me:
With a title like "Blood Pull", having to get home before sunrise and Shane biting a waitress, my mind immediately starts jumping toward a vampire story.
Are you looking for reviewers for the whole 5000 words?
[This message has been edited by kingtermite (edited February 11, 2008).]
posted
It is good. Interesting, except that I get no sense of fantasy. I was intrigued, but it seems like it could be AnyBar, U.S.A. I would mabye omit secondary character intros and give more background on the world you are trying to introduce. If you need a reader send me what you got.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Thanks for the feedback, I'm not completely finished with the story yet, the plot tree is done, but I just haven't finished the typing. When I do I'll ask for a complete review, getting rent money comes first though. The title makes a promise that there is a fantasy element and I plan to deliver, try not to read too much into the foreshadowing, you'll get surprised if you do - which is the intent of course . Inside the viewpoint character's head though its regular old earth, so the fantasy element will be reveiled in due course. I have two pages posted on my blog so far: http://armartin.blogspot.com if interested you can see a bit more of the development. Hopefully, I will have page 3 done today. I'll also give the bar a name and a place, now that its pointed out to me it is rather ambiguous.
I'm going to self publish a couple stories like this, and pending good reviews and requests to see more, I'll start publishing in a conventional fashion. The blog is going to be kind of like a resume, if you will.
[This message has been edited by A.R. Martin (edited February 11, 2008).]
posted
Intro paragraph given a little more life, as per Bent Tree's suggestion. Thank you . It's amazing what a couple of nouns can do isn't it?
“Ha. Ha. Ha. That one was – really - funny Shane. Now c'mon, I’ve got to get you home before sunrise.” It was late again. Too late. A heavy dose of regret shot through John as he pulled his wobbling friend into the cool New England night outside the Thirsty Toad. Shane was being more belligerent than normal, which usually meant trouble. Last time he had been like this he had bitten a waitress for taking away his beer and John had to bribe her not to call the police, leaving them broke for the rest of the week. He had honestly thought about kicking Shane out of the apartment that night - and all John wanted tonight was to get Shane home where he would pass out and wake up to be the friend John had known for so many years. I put a little more of the story on http://armartin.blogspot.com
[This message has been edited by A.R. Martin (edited February 23, 2008).]
posted
Alright Babbler, I pulled back away from my story awhile after I finished it and I took your point and added a feeler hook to let people know more about John in the beginning. How's this:
John wondered why he put himself into these situations. He was tired of the same thing, tired of the faces that he wore; sometimes he wondered if he even really knew who he was anymore. A puppet for so many people for so long, he often wished, as he wished this night, that something would happen that would allow him to find the meaning of his own existence.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. That one was – really - funny Shane. Now c'mon, I’ve got to get you home before sunrise.” It was late again. Too late. A heavy dose of regret shot through John as he pulled his wobbling friend into the cool New England night outside the Thirsty Toad. Shane was being more belligerent than normal, which usually meant trouble. Last time he had been like this he had bitten a waitress for taking away his beer and John had to
[This message has been edited by A.R. Martin (edited February 26, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2008).]
posted
The last revised beginning looks pretty polished to me. I'm not sure where the story's going yet, but I'm interested enough to turn the page.
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posted
I loved it! Specially the 'bite' part But I agree with kingtermite, there are too much characters there. Usually it's better to be two in a scene and they increase as time passes. But this is a hell of a good piece, my friend!
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. Inside the viewpoint character's head though its regular old earth, so the fantasy element will be reveiled in due course. I have two pages posted on my blog so far: 
