Mr. Renald smiled as a fairy flittered up to his window.
"It’s very good," he said, turning to Allison, "you must love making fairies."
She laughed stiffly. Busty, scantily-clad, voiceless... she hated them. Her senior thesis had practically written itself: "Fairies: False Idealism of Women." In it, she had placed blame firmly on fantasy artists and writers for continuing to produce them.
The fairy zoomed off Mr. Renald's window, and Allison felt a pang of betrayal to her old self.
I needed the money she told her old self.
Her old self wasn't impressed.
Allison showed Mr. Renald the window's interface and how to

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I hope I sound like I know the lingo... This sci-fi is still in its first draft; I've got about 1050 words so far plus an outline that takes it further.

I'm posting this as more of a "Help! I've never written before and now I've started writing and don't know what to do!" I've read a lot of the "what to do's" and felt it was time to just start doing it, and this story is the result.

Any help is wholeheartedly welcome!

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version 1.1

Mr. Renald smiled as a fairy flitted up to his sunny window.
"It almost looks real," he said, turning to Allison. "You must love making fairies."
She laughed stiffly. They were busty, scantily-clad and voiceless; she hated making them. Her senior thesis, "Fairies: False Idealism of Women in Fantasy," had practically written itself. Her past self had scorned artists and writers who made them.
The fairy zoomed off Mr. Renald's window, and Allison felt like a betrayer.
I needed the money she told her past self.
Her past self wasn't impressed.
Allison showed Mr. Renald how to unload and load the fairy file

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I couldn't keep my grimy editing hands off it. I like the flow of this one better and chose better language... "past self" instead of "old self", since "old self" could technically also mean "future self". I also gave her the feeling of being a betrayer, instead of feeling presently betrayed. I also got the initial feeling of "fantasy world" instead of "sci-fi world" on a re-read so I acknowledged immediately that the fairy was not real.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 29, 2008).]

I think the phrase,"It’s very good," should be reconsidered.
"It is very well made"
"It's very lovely"
"What a beautiful job"

Something along those lines, considering the context and characters motives.

On first reading, I questioned the repetition of the "old self" in that internal conflict scene, on second thought it worked.

I will be glad to go over it if you need some fresh eyes.

"Her old self wasn't impressed."

To me, the prose bounces around and picks up different ideas which is hard to do but here it is done very well.

My only nit, well I don't know if this is a nit or not because I'm more curious then anything; I don't know how this prose would be as an entire story. A story of one line sentences mixed around with dialog. Then again, I don't know if this style (the begining) is the full style of the entire story. It would be interesting to see when it was finished.

quote:

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Mr. Renald smiled as a fairy flittered Yeah, I also stumbled here. My dictionary only lists "flitter" as a noun ("one who flits"). That doesn't mean you can't make up a new word--a combination of flit and flutter?--but in this case, I don't think it buys you anything. I'd stick with "flitted". up to his window.
"It’s very good," he said, turning to Allison[, "y]-->. "You must love making fairies."
She laughed stiffly. Busty, scantily-clad, voicelessAt first I thought this referred to Allison. It was immediately clarified, but you might want to rearrange to prevent the possibility of that initial misconception[... ]<space>dot<space>dot<space>dot<space> for proper manuscript format. (The only problem with the included spaces is that the ellipsis might get split up over a line. But if you use non-breaking spaces (or whatever matches that idea in your word processor) that won't happen.) she hated them. Her senior thesis had practically written itself: "Fairies: False Idealism of Women." In it, she had placed blame firmly on fantasy artists and writers for continuing to produce them. The blame for what? For continuing to produce them? Or for promulgating false ideals of women BY continuting to produce them?
The fairy zoomed off Mr. Renald's window, and Allison felt a pang of betrayal to her old self.
I needed the money she told her old self.
Her old self wasn't impressed.
Allison showed Mr. Renald the window's interface and how to

---

On the story: not bad.

My take:

quote:

---

Mr. Renald smiled as a fairy flittered up to his window.
"It’s very good," he said, turning to Allison, "you must love making fairies." [Right here you should explain that it is an interface/business thing.]
She laughed stiffly. [Busty, scantily-clad, voiceless...<--Eh? Rick's right. This stopped me. I suggest either cutting it, or re-conforming it, like: "She hated the busty, scantily-clad, voiceless (something derisive)."] she hated them. Her senior thesis had practically written itself: "Fairies: False Idealism of Women." In it, she had placed blame firmly on fantasy artists and writers for continuing to produce [them<--What?].
The [fairy<--Keep the spelling the same for continuity. zoomed off Mr. Renald's window, and Allison felt a pang of betrayal to her old[Eh? What's is this about?] self.
I needed the money[,] she told her old[I won't give much leeway for explaining this, a page at most, before I consider the author failing in his/her commitment.] self.
Her old self wasn't impressed.
Allison showed Mr. Renald the window's interface[Huh? What window interface? Interface with what?] and how to

---

At the end of the thirteen lines, I was jarred out of the time period I thought I was in. The beginning talk of faeries, and with no reference to any technology until the end, I thought I was reading a Harry Potter-type fantasy.

The "old self" references were disjointed to me, too. It felt that I was suddenly smacked with them. If it's a part of her mind, I think she be addressing it while finishing what she's doing, before Mr. Renald has a reaction.

And we should know--if Allison knows--what exactly he's reacting to.

Those are my biggest beefs.

So this is going to be a short story? Are we going to get to read it?

The title "Eminess" comes from the technology that the MC uses to create her artwork.

The windows are made of millions of Emitting and Interactive Sensors, called Eminess windows for short. It took a page to describe the technology in the story, but it's essentially based on people wearing special eye contacts. The sensors use the contacts to calculate where a person is and also determine how far in the distance they are focusing. As a result, each sensor can emit the proper visual data to each eye individually, to create ultra-realistic settings. Instead of things being blurry when they're not in focus, the emitting sensors replicate the "double vision" that occurs in real life.

The technology is limited by quantity. Cheap Eminess windows can only support 1-3 people looking at the window at once. Very expensive ones can support hundreds of people.

On a less technological note, this is a story about fantasy vs. reality with a healthy dose of ethics, friendship and self-discovery.

One thing:

Her senior thesis had practically written itself: "Fairies: False Idealism of Women." In it, she //had// placed blame firmly on fantasy artists and writers for continuing to produce them.

You've already established the paper was written in the past, and presumably the thesis is still the same, so the second 'had' is superfluous (and 'hads' always stand out to me).

I loved the line:

quote:

---

They were busty, scantily-clad and voiceless; she hated making them. Her senior thesis, "Fairies: False Idealism of Women in Fantasy," had practically written itself.

---

You would have to work pretty hard to stop me from wanting to read on after that!

I liked the incongruity of fairies in a sci-fi setting and the fact that until the line about the interface / file we could be in a post-modern fairy-tale.

The old / past self – new self dynamic is interesting, although I found that “old self” read more naturally in the first draft.

A pang of betrayal jumps out at me a little and breaks the flow. “And Allison felt a pang of guilt” perhaps?

When you start talking about the technology, you might want to play up wow factor a little? It might go nicely with the fairy theme if you did something like:

quote:

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Allison showed Mr. Renald how to unload and load the fairy file
The fairies dissolved into a fine cloud of gray pixels as Allison killed the data stream.

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How it struck me, my first impression, was that it got my brain thinking very quickly early on, and was a good change from the very boring description of a setting and then the personality of the main character in that setting. As most stories usually do.