posted
This WIP will be my entry for the PARSEC annual. I wanted to take comments on the intro and possible volunteers for crit on a first draft I will complete later today. Deadline is April fifteen so I am not in a terrible rush It would be nice to get feed back by the weekend.
The burden of Fumos’ gravity wore on the crew even before they stepped out on the sun scorched ground. Nearly two hundred kilometers from the sea where the probes went offline, but they were safely landed just on the outside of the vast tidal plain. Soon the massive moon, Vos, would heave that same sea within a few kilometers of the ship, making the probes recovery all the more difficult. Lieutenant Ryals struggled to see through the steam that fogged his mask as he started a well rehearsed assembly of the raft. The rest of the crew spread the foiled canopy that would shield the ship and their sensitive equipment from the furious sun and steam. At first Ryals thought gravity was causing his distortion, but he started feeling really strange.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 26, 2008).]
posted
My first thought is to cut the first paragraph and just start with the second. Talk of "the crew" is vague and not very stimulating. Ryals trying to see through the steam is more engaging. I think you could work the info in the first para easily into an opening scene focusing on Ryals.
Though this has a touch of the has-been-done, I like stories like this (i.e. recovery missions on other planets) and I would turn the page here. Alas, I have no time this week for crittin'.
I will say that there are some grammar issues here that you'll definitely want to clean up by the final draft.
posted
I like this so far, but prefer to meet the POV character a little sooner. Perhaps if you started with the second paragraph and tweek it a little we could meet the lieutenant and then the situation on the ground.
Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Your main grammatical error that help me up was this:
Nearly two hundred kilometers from the sea where the probes went offline, but they were safely landed just on the outside of the vast tidal plain.
Even adding in a "They were nearly" or something of that sort would clear up the confusion. For me, I am more interrested in the heat, the moon, and the tide. You should probably cut the first and start with the second, but make sure not to lose what you have in the first.
You can send that to me as well, I can have them both back during or before the
posted
Another vote to start with the second paragraph. Besides the few gramatical issues, this sentence caused me some confusion:
The rest of the crew spread the foiled canopy that would shield the ship and their sensitive equipment from the furious sun and steam.
Assuming they haven't defeated the canopy in some way, it should be "foil" not "foiled". And steam rises. So a foil canopy would actually capture the steam, which would then condense on the canopy and drip all over their equipment.
Oh, and also the last line: he started feeling really strange is a bit vague. What was he feeling?
The transition from null-g to the burden of Fumos’ gravity wore on me even before I suited up and stepped out onto the scorched ground. I thought my disorientation had come from the jarring landing, but it hadn’t worn off. Details of procedures I had methodically labored over for seven months now tangled in my mind. Off-load the raft assembly. Get it together Ryals. I scorned myself as I urged my heavy feet toward the bay door. “Tick-tock, Ryals. We have to beat the tide.” The captain’s voice came through on my intercom. Although we were over two hundred kilometers from the sea where the probes went off-line, Vos, the massive moon, would soon heave that sea across the vast tidal plain within a few kilometers of us. The sea. The thought resonated, lingering in my mind.
posted
The cap on the competition is 3500 words. I thought I would go at it in the first to bring more introspect. It is about time I conquer my fear of the first. It seems to be pretty popular right now. It will no doubt be a learning expirience.
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posted
I liked the second MUCH better, and I hadn't minded the first. I enjoyed the switch to first, because you pulled it off smoothly. Good job getting in the info without "dumping" it.
Your revision was more engaging, but not so much due to the POV shift but rather that you were talking about a person and his immediate problems -- he feels ill, his boss is ragging on him, he's nervous about his important and difficult job -- you can convey that in 3rd POV as well as in 1st. (But an awful lot of published pieces are first person; I've noticed that as well.)
quote:Get it together, Ryals. I scorned myself as I urged my heavy feet toward the bay door.
I read "I scorned myself" as a tag for the thoughts, in which case I'd nit-pick and ask that you say, "I told myself" as the scorn is obvious from the words. If it's not meant as a tag for the thoughts, I'll say again that the scorn is obvious from the thoughts. You can cut "I scorned myself as" and this section will have the same meaning.
I'll read. I can probably get a critique back to you within 24 hours of receiving the story.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 27, 2008).]
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