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This one just got rejected from Chiaroscuro. I'm actually a little surprised, just because I thought it was a really good fit for that market. I'll take comments on the first 13, and full read offers. Also, suggestions if you know of any markets interested in this sort of thing. Two warnings: One, this story is of an adult nature, although its not exactly graphic. Two, bear in mind I prefer discussion over comments in a vacuum...but please, comment, I wont take offense if you don't respond to my responses.
It is intended to be dark, and a little repetitive. The first sentence is meant to be basically a continuation of the title, but I'm not sure if that works or not...
That’s what I call them. I guess they must be angels, I don’t know what else you’d call them, although they don’t seem like the angels we’ve all heard of. I’ve been seeing them for a while now, since just a little while after my accident. I was standing at the production line, doing what I always do, as I always do, over and over and over. The hair on the left side of my head had just begun to grow back in, and the stitches where the wound had been repaired seeped and itched constantly. I looked over at the worker beside me. He was doing the same thing he always did, as he always did it as well, over and over and over. But something was strange this time, something different. There was a shadow over him, like a cloud of smoke hovering nearby.
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I like the immediacy of the scene and the speculative element right up front. Definitely hooky! However, the repetition isn’t working for me. Not one bit. Neither is the reference back to the title.
How about: I call them angels because I don’t know what else they could be. I’ve been seeing them ever since my accident.
I’d cut all the lines about doing the same old thing the same way. “Production line” says it all.
I'd cut "where the wound had been repaired" -- you don't need it.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 24, 2008).]
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Yea in manuscript formatt especially the title-into-first-line thing probably doesnt carry off, so I'll have to retool that.
quote:I'd cut "where the wound had been repaired" -- you don't need it.
Probably true, thanks.
The reptitive elements are important for the mood I am going for...however, if I see a lot of negative feedback about it, I will..do something with it. Scale it back a little, or try to make it more flow-y.
This thing gave me a bit of a headache, I dont usually work in first person..
I guess they must be angels, I don’t know what else you’d call them; although they don’t seem like the angels we’ve all heard of. I’ve been seeing them for a while now, ever since my accident. I was standing at the production line, doing what I always do, as I always do it, over and over. The hair on the left side of my head had just begun to grow back in, and the stitches seeped and itched constantly. I looked over at the worker beside me. He was doing the same thing he always did, as he always did it as well, over and over. But something was strange this time, something different. There was a shadow over him, like a cloud of smoke hovering nearby.
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I guess they must be angels, I don’t know what else you’d call them; although they don’t seem "seem" is a slippery, weak verb. Do you mean "look" like?" He has seen them, as we discover in the next line. That they look different is much more important than that they "seem" differentlike the angels we’ve all heard of. I’ve been seeing them for a while now, ever since my accident. I was standing at the production line, doing what I always do, as I always do it, over and over. The hair on the left side of my head had just begun to grow back in, and the stitches seeped and itched constantly. I looked over at the worker beside me. He was doing the same thing he always did, as he always did it as well, over and over.Not sure this repetition is working for me. I'd rather know what they're working _on_. Cars, chicken parts, Barbie dolls, etc. But something was strange this time, something different.I'd cut this line and just come straight with what he sees. There was a shadow over him, like a cloud of smoke hovering nearby.
I'm not sure the flashback really works for me. I'm having a difficult time pin pointing why, exactly. I think it's because when you said "ever since" you set it up for us to find out about the accident. Instead, the accident has already happened, and he sees an "angel" in a less-than-exciting moment. If the scene in the factory is intended only to show us the angel, which is what it seems, why not just come out with it in the beginning and tell us what the angel looks like? It just seems like a long-winded way to show us what they look like. But I'm not hooked enough by the idea of the angels. I don't _care_ yet why he's seeing them. Maybe if you hinted at why these angles might be important, or how they've affected his life somehow, what they might want, etc.
quote:Maybe if you hinted at why these angles might be important, or how they've affected his life somehow, what they might want, etc.
Hmm. Well, that is gone into pretty quickly. Is it not being made clear, here, that their very existence is in itself pretty important? How would you suggest giving the additional information, in first person?
Are the angels just not interesting to you, or do you think they, or rather simply their existence presented in the very begining, wouldnt be interesting to most?
I think I agree about the last bit in the bolded part though, cutting straight to what he sees would probably be better, thanks
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 26, 2008).]
quote:But I'm not hooked enough by the idea of the angels. I don't _care_ yet why he's seeing them.
Since it's written in first person, your narrator has the power of hindsight. Therefore, it should be easy to slip in why they are relevant to him. Other than just seeing them, how have they changed his life? Do they haunt him? Are they a curse of some kind? Have they made his life better? Does he believe they are good but in fact they are evil? Are they somehow related to his work at the factory?
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Maybe I should just add "the first time I saw one," at the begining of the second paragraph. Or something like that
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posted
They are definitely bad, and they definitely torment him. I guess I figured that was already more or less implied, but perhaps not. I shall see what I can work in...don't want to be too obvious though, it breaks the mood. Thanks for the idea though.
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I liked the premise here and am curious, therefore hooked. I agree with what others are saying here. It seems over-acted, as if it's trying too hard and when a book or movie does that, it interferes with the ease of suspension of disbelief. As an audience you're too distracted by the fact that is overwritten. Like wearing a tux to a BBQ I guess.
This line for example.
quote:But something was strange this time, something different.
It actually says the same thing twice in a row and so comes off as over-stated, bordering on corny. "Something different" doesn't seem to do justice to an apparition anyway. "Something different" is what you say when someone changes their hair as opposed to being followed around by some dark spirit creature hovering just above them.
Don’t get discouraged, you're onto something really good here. We all think our stuff is great until someone else reads it and starts screwing up their face and we're saying "WHAT, what do you mean confusing - oh you wouldn't know great writing if it fell on your head. FINE, I'll change just for you."
I guess they must be angels, I don’t know what else you’d call them; although I quickly discovered that they are not at all like the angels we’ve all heard of. I’ve been seeing them for a while now, ever since my accident. Eventually, they began to see me, and then to haunt me. The first time I saw one, I was standing at the production line, doing what I always do, as I always do it, over and over. The hair on the left side of my head had just begun to grow back in, and the stitches seeped and itched constantly. I looked over at the worker beside me. He was doing the same thing he always did, as he always did it as well, over and over. There was a shadow over him, like a cloud of smoke hovering nearby. Then, the cloud turned and looked at me.
One nit: if he knows the worker's name, or identifies him by what he does then it might be more natural to refer to him by name or role, than as "the worker", which sounds rather remote and doesn't draw us in so strongly.
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He doesn't know his name. Its all very mechanical and impersonal.
This is interesting. This story is one of several I've written influenced by a writer named Simon Logan...he does what he calls "industrial fiction." A lot of the stuff in this was meant to go with that style. I was afrad for a minute that this new version lost that. But I think it still has that style...and more of my own usual aproach as well.
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I like this new revision, it is a good hook and I'd certainly keep reading.
Although I have a couple comments.
The first being: "He was doing the same thing he always did, as he always did it as well, over and over." The "as well" threw me for a loop, it totally broke my reading, I would either fully change it so there is no repetition, OR keep it exactly the same (although if I was to do that I think I would choose a shorter phrase to repeat, one a little less cumbersome.)
Second: The line "not at all like the angels we’ve all heard of" is somewhat ineffectual. Why not be a little more implicative... something like "discovered that they are not the shining, guardian beings I grew up imagining." Something that might give us a little incite into how he thinks of them, and maybe how that has changed.
Excellent, even as is. I wouldn't mind reading through more of this, although I'm not sure how soon I can get any critique done.
quote:"He was doing the same thing he always did, as he always did it as well, over and over." The "as well" threw me for a loop, it totally broke my reading, I would either fully change it so there is no repetition, OR keep it exactly the same (although if I was to do that I think I would choose a shorter phrase to repeat, one a little less cumbersome.)
Yea, I thought the "as well" was needed but its not.
quote:The line "not at all like the angels we’ve all heard of" is somewhat ineffectual. Why not be a little more implicative... something like "discovered that they are not the shining, guardian beings I grew up imagining." Something that might give us a little incite into how he thinks of them, and maybe how that has changed.
I see where your coming from, and in another story I'd agree. However, for the "rusty" stories, I some times intentionally make the protaganists thoughts a little weak or ineffectual some times. Its part of their nature.
I will send it to you, no need to rush. I'm the patient sort.
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