quote:

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"Hey Yates!" Dorian turned to see who it was calling him.

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I would move “Dorian turned to see who it was calling him.” Down to a separate line. When I first read it felt awkward because I thought Dorian said “Hey Yates!”

quote:

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The thin blue laser of the retinal scanner flashed over his eyes.
"You have been served." The young courrier handed Dorian an official-looking envelope and turned away, disappearing down the busy street.

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This was really cool. I like the retinal scan as a record of the delivery.

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He pried open the seal and read the document. "F#%$ me. It's an official notice of a thirty day hunt on my life. Someone named Ferdinand Metz.

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This seems like an info dump that can be done in a cooler way, similar to you retina scan. Maybe instead of a letter have him hand over a data-card that plays the message. It could even be holographic.

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“This is the second time this year," he said to his comrade.
"I've never been hunted. I filed for a hunt on that Bastard that ran over Karen, but when it came down to it, I was no killer, even if it were just. You don't know the guy on the

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I would mention his comrade earlier. It seemed to me that he was talking to himself until you mentioned his comrade.

HEY THE QUOTE THING WORKED! THANKS ANNEPIN

I echo your sentiments on these 13 lines. I tought that retinal scan was really cool, nice job BT.

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I'm confused about who Yates is. His friend? The courier?

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No, the Yates didnt confuse me. Knew right away, as he turned to see who it was calling him.

I did like WordViewer suggestion of starting a new paragraph with Dorien turned. that was the only part that hung me up, I orignally thought it was Dorien speaking.

I also liked the holograph speaking idea, ties in great with the retinal scan.