Sadly, the two first paragraphs didn't fit in their entirety, so I had to let go of about half of the second one, which sort of denied closure.

I'd like to know whether anyone would be interested in reading more, and what I could/should improve and/or change in order to make it better.

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The first thing a mammal will experience when its face is submerged in water is called the mammalian diving reflex. This is a response meant to keep the mammal alive under water for as much time as possible. When this occurs three things happen to the human body. 1) A reduction of the heart rate of up to 50%. 2) A restriction of blood flow to the extremities 3) The strengthening of the lungs by centering the blood around the thoracic cavity.

When the airplane I am travelling in collides with God knows what, and begins to crash towards the Pacific like a gradually disintegrating pile of burning aluminum debris, I can only do what everyone else is doing. I scream the name of whatever divinity crosses my mind first, and I pray to God that I make it out alive.

Note: The revised version can be found in my second post.

First, I would probably keep reading, so that's good.

The first thing a mammal will experience when its face is submerged in water is called the mammalian [mammarian, maybe?] diving reflex. This is a response meant to keep the mammal alive under water for as much time as possible. When this occurs three things happen to the human [mammal's] body. 1) A reduction of the heart rate of up to 50%. 2) A restriction of blood flow to the extremities 3) The strengthening of the lungs by centering the blood around the thoracic nice word, but perhaps another would do as well, that would be understood more broadly? cavity.

When the airplane I am travelling in collides with God knows what, and begins to crash towards the Pacific like <-I think this should be "as", since this is what it is a gradually disintegrating pile of burning aluminum debris, I can only do what everyone else is doing. I scream the name of whatever divinity crosses my mind first, and I pray to God that I make it out alive.

I personally don't like reading stories that are written in present tense, but that's just my opinion.

While this is an interesting style, I don't know how suited it is for the intro to a short story. It might be pulled off, but I am left with a sense of disapointment by not knowing who the MC is.

Perhaps the first paragragh should be italicised, if this is thought, or in quotations if it is dialogue. I feel it should be one or the other. The reason I think this is that it is present tense and I feel the only place for PT is in the above mentioned.

I think this could work, with a little scene setting prior to this. It is as if I want to turn the page, but I haven't gained enough trust to do so. Which is to say I am interested, but the mechanics show signs that I may be let down.

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Alright, these are my first thirteen lines that I'm posting on Hatrack, so, uh, let the bashing begin!

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Okay, you asked for it.

Their is a lot that I do not like about this. The first paragraph is an info-dump, and not your ordinary just filling you in on some relevant information to my plot type of info-dump. This is straight-out-of-the-text-book type of info-dump. very bad
The second paragraph is also an info-dump but a disguised one. That part could be fixed with a little effort, but there is more to it than that

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When the airplane I am travelling in collides with God knows what,the past verb tenses do not work at all and begins to crash towards the Pacific >like< in a gradually cut the 'ly' disintegrating pile of burning aluminum debris, I >can only< cut do what everyone else is doing. I scream the name of whatever divinity crosses my mind first, and I pray to God that I make it out alive. this person chose one divinity to scream to put prays to another???

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I suggest you cut out the first paragraph all together or work that info in a little a later. Giving a biology lesson is no way to hook a reader. The second paragraph needs redone as well. Here's my take on that one.

As my plane headed toward the Pacific in a disintegrating pile of burning aluminum debris, I did what the rest of passengers choose to do; scream. I don't know what we hit, I didn't have time to think about it, all I could do is pray that I would make it out alive.

Just one way to open, not even sure it's better.
Hope this helps and hoped you survived the bashing.

It's not supposed to be a "bashing" because we're trying to encourage each other, and being negative or unconstructive tends to reduce a writer's self confidence--thoroughly dispiriting when it happens. So if receiving a critique feels like bashing, please take it in the spirit intended--to help your writing.

On writing: for one whose natural language is not English, your command of English is great. (And, according to my Oxford English Dictionary, "mammalian" is indeed the correct adjectival form of "mammal".) Further, I'm hoping that your knowledge of Romanian, Italian and no doubt other cultures will bring a richness to your writing that those of us from purely English-speaking cultures can only dream of.

In-air collisions between aircraft are mercifully rare, and surviving them even more rare, so there's undoubtedly a story here. Also, "Helix Rush" is a great title.

I would encourage you to abandon the 'lecture mode' style of telling the story. A crashing plane is dramatic, action happens quickly. The analysis of how mammals react to being submerged in water obscures the action--I would suggest dropping that first para entirely, not least because it leads the reader to assume the whole story will be sprinkled with 'lecture mode' text. (Also, the submerging in water happens after the crash, right?--So talking about it before we learn of the crash is confusing in terms of ordering of events.)

There's more 'lecture mode' in "I scream the name of whatever divinity crosses my mind first"--for a detached observer of survival psychology perhaps this is a relevant observation, but as the "I" in "When the airplane I am travelling in collides ..." surely you aren't that analytic, you just pray to God, as we learn in the next phrase. I'd imagine the MC is not only praying, but protecting himself from debris flying around the cabin, gasping for air as the plane loses pressure, cursing the person in the next seat who's panicking, etc, so he hardly has time to be so analytic: all his energy, heightened with an adrenelin rush, will surely go into survival. I would encourage you to tell us more about what MC sees, feels, smells, hears, not what a detached observer might note in more reflective times.

Also, some kind of hint as to what has caused the collision--maybe he glimpses something large, silver and round through the window--might be a good hook, and foreshadow the SF/adventure element to come.

Hope this helps, and I look forward to seeing a revision,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited May 11, 2008).]

Secondly, Snapper, I think you meant "present verb tenses"? And, yes, I certainly did survive the bashing. It takes a lot more than that to deter me.

Thirdly, I'm not going to try to defend any weak points, but I would like to mention one fact regarding the "textbook" info-dump. It was, well, intended. The MC is actually quoting from a book that he was reading during the flight. Anyway, I removed the first paragraph entirely, though I'm saving it just in case I find a viable way to include it later on.

So anyway, the revised version. I'm still somewhat unhappy about the second half of the first paragraph, but I guess I'll see how it works out.

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I was sitting by the window, enjoying a cold drink and a conversation when my plane began to crash toward the Pacific in a pile of burning aluminum debris. As I witnessed part the wing break off and collide with the plane itself, my first reaction was a whimper, followed by prayer; like everyone else, I begged and pleaded God to get me through the crash alive. Had I kept my composure I'd have thought of it as an evolutionary response produced by the mind; abandoning all reason, my psyche told me to grapple onto anything, rational or not, as long as it got me through danger safe and sound.

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Snapper, I think you meant "present verb tenses"? And, yes, I certainly did survive the bashing. It takes a lot more than that to deter me.

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Yes i did mean present, not past. I apologize for that. It's goods that you aren't detered so easily. I've seen a lot of talented people give up because they couldn't handle the negative aspect of writing. Now about attempt number two.

Have you ever been in a car wreck or been apart of some tramatic event? There are two ways that people react. One is they lock up, freeze if you will in a catatonic state. These people usually have no recollection of what happened afterwards. The second is time slows down. Every detail and event becomes eerily clear to them, as if they are watching it in a movie threater and not part of what is happening around them. I believe you are trying the second approach.

I was sitting by the window, enjoying a cold drink and a conversation when my plane began to crash toward the Pacific in a pile of burning aluminum debris. As I witnessed part the wing break off and collide with the plane itself

This would look better if these were combined. when my plane began to crash toward the Pacific slows this down. You have the makings of a quick and gripping event. Don't write down to the reader. How about...

I was sitting by the window, enjoying a cold drink and a conversation when I witnessed part of the wing break off and collide with the plane

my first reaction was a whimper, followed by prayer; like everyone else, I begged and pleaded God to get me through the crash alive. Had I kept my composure I'd have thought of it as an evolutionary response produced by the mind; abandoning all reason, my psyche told me to grapple onto anything, rational or not, as long as it got me through danger safe and sound.

Do you really want this in? Is it necessary this early in the story? It takes away from the dramatic events playing out before our eyes. Personally, I'm not interested in this persons philosophy as he grabbles with the meaning of life and death. I am interested in a plane breaking apart and crashing into the Pacific

Then there was a faint blur

Now this is interseting. I am wondering what this blur is all about and wished you could focus on this.

, followed by an explosion that further shredded the hull, and sent people flying into the rear engine, along with all sorts of things, plastic cups, pens, notebooks, cell phones, our damned oxygen;

I found this interseting as well all though the inventory of stuff flying to the rear of the plane was a bit much.

So here is my summation. Plane crashing, good. MC telling about his meaning of life during crash, not so good.

Also, POV: if MC is in the plane it's hard for MC to know that the plane is a pile of burning aluminium debris--better would be to tell us what MC has seen or felt that tells him the plane is crashing. Then, what's he grabbing on to? And how does he know people are flying into the rear engine--why's he looking over his shoulder? Can he even see what's going on behind him? (Or is he, perhaps, in a seat behind the rear engine?)

I think that to write action like this the POV has to be close in with the character and what he is experiencing. Any distance or analysis takes us away: we aren't gripped, we're just detached observers--who might choose not to read further.

BTW I think people who have not frozen can be highly rational in a crisis. Adrenelin seems to help them to see things more clearly (that's why everything seems to move more slowly), giving them fractions of a second to think, to figure out a way of surviving, and concentrate on what it takes. The really heroic people find a way to help others to survive, too.

I understand the bit about the text-book. My experience is that people will only read things that are clearly relevant to the story. This is one aspect that makes SF especially challenging to write. Quoting text-books is not a common way of feeding in information, in my experience. That doesn't mean it can't be done, it just has to be done in a way that's clearly relevant to the story and engaging--which is almost certainly not in the first 13.

If you want readers for the whole thing it would be an idea to mention whether it's finished or not, and how many words.

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Do you really want this in? Is it necessary this early in the story? It takes away from the dramatic events playing out before our eyes. Personally, I'm not interested in this persons philosophy as he grabbles with the meaning of life and death. I am interested in a plane breaking apart and crashing into the Pacific

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Actually, after thinking it through, I decided that it was better off with out it. I'm still reworking the first sentence, though.

Also, I didn't mention anything too specific about the faint blur because I cover that point in the paragraph that comes after, though I may or may not move that part forward after I revise it again.

Pat: (I can call you Pat, right?) Right now the story has about 4.7k words, and it's not completed, in fact, I spotted something that recurred throughout it that I wanted to change, so I'm going to have to edit it before completing it.

I think of planes as crashing when they IMPACT something or something IMPACTS them. Crashing *toward* something else is making my brain hurt. Crashing is an action that happens on that impact, either when the something (faint blur?) hits the plane, or when the wing crashes into the hull, or when the plane finally impacts with the water (which is coming but we haven't seen yet in your drafts here.) But crashing toward the water? That doesn't work for me.

LOL - there you have it. Your Hatrack Nitpick for the day. No first first 13 crit is complete without it.