Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Hi

   
Author Topic: Hi
rexnipper
New Member
Member # 7971

 - posted      Profile for rexnipper   Email rexnipper         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm about 150 pages into this. This is the opening paragraph.

The plate-glass window next to me exploded, a waterfall of glass and window pane falling all around. I put my arms up as great shards fell against my head and shoulders, splattering at my feet. It took a moment, before I realized that the deafening boom I heard was not the window but the sound of
the shotgun from across the street. Every muscle in my body tightened with shock as if I were holding the wires of a light socket. My first instinct was to shoot back, but I didn't own a gun, and they didn't teach rifle design in shop class. So with glass all over me, and more shots being fired, I took off at a dead run for the back of the house. After all, I was
sure I heard my mother calling.


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Zero
Member
Member # 3619

 - posted      Profile for Zero           Edit/Delete Post 
Hello. Welcome. And this is probably going to be moved to fragments and feedback. But for what it's worth, I thought this was pretty good.

Zero


Posts: 2195 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jo1day
Member
Member # 7800

 - posted      Profile for Jo1day   Email Jo1day         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome. You would probably get a better response if you posted in fragments and feedback. But welcome to the forums!
Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
InarticulateBabbler
Member
Member # 4849

 - posted      Profile for InarticulateBabbler   Email InarticulateBabbler         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome to Hatrack.
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tiergan
Member
Member # 7852

 - posted      Profile for Tiergan   Email Tiergan         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JustInProse
Member
Member # 7872

 - posted      Profile for JustInProse   Email JustInProse         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome!

(Trust me, stay away from the light sockets!)

I too, enjoyed it.


Posts: 189 | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post 
Here is my take on your opening

The plate-glass window next to me exploded,

Should be a peroid here. A confusing way to start such a large piece.

a waterfall of glass and window pane falling all around.

If the window exploded, wouldn't the glass fly out? A waterfall suggest it poured down. The second half feels wrong. how about
and splinters of window pane fell all around

I put my arms up as great shards fell against my head and shoulders, splattering at my feet.

I suggest you put of glass after great shards and change fell to bounced

It took a moment, before I realized that the deafening boom I heard was not the window but the sound of
the shotgun from across the street.

This I liked

Every muscle in my body tightened with shock as if I were holding the wires of a light socket.

I don't like this analogy. The feeling of electrocution (I've felt it before) does not fit.

My first instinct was to shoot back, but I didn't own a gun, and they didn't teach rifle design in shop class.

What an odd reaction. Duck and cover is one that most people would have.

So with glass all over me, and more shots being fired, I took off at a dead run for the back of the house. After all, I was sure I heard mother calling

Okay, this makes him seem not so bright to me. This is how I would write this opening.

quote:
Hi,
My name is rexnipper. I am pleased to join this interesting critique site and can't wait until I get to read some of your work. I hope I will be able to help you. I also can't wait until some of you sample my own work. Hoping we can be friends
rexnipper


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Merlion-Emrys
Member
Member # 7912

 - posted      Profile for Merlion-Emrys   Email Merlion-Emrys         Edit/Delete Post 
Greetings! Have some cheesecake!
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Unwritten
Member
Member # 7960

 - posted      Profile for Unwritten   Email Unwritten         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome! Your opening paragraph definately has a hook. It's a nice start.
Posts: 938 | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post 
rexnipper, this area is for topics in which people introduce themselves.

I'm going to move your topic to the Fragments and Feedback for Short Stories area, and hope you will create another topic here to introduce yourself.


Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Merlion-Emrys
Member
Member # 7912

 - posted      Profile for Merlion-Emrys   Email Merlion-Emrys         Edit/Delete Post 
although if he's 150 *pages* in as he says, its a novel or novella not a short story.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2