posted
First 13 of a 1000 word short. I would appreciate any crits for 13 or all.
My nerves, awash in adrenaline, fired erratically, demanding a fight or flight response. My artificial heart disobeyed, maintaining a rock-steady beat. I stared blankly at the holographic scan of my soul. I wanted to puke. The image was dim and flickering. This wasn't fair; I only scanned myself to calibrate the scanner. Now what? Would my soul vanish in a silent explosion of ectoplasmic shrapnel, or would it sublimate straight to nothingness? How long did I have? As a Re-animant I was concerned; I had good reason. The living label us the Malingering Dead and call us selfish. They are angry that we don't go gentle into that good night, angrier that we don't leave them our money and property.
posted
Interesting. I think this story is about people that died but aren't dead. How they figured out how to indentify a soul I find intriguing. Sounds like an original idea. It has some problems though.
quote:My nerves, awash in adrenaline, fired erratically, demanding a fight or flight response.
Nerves are not infused with adrenaline, blood is. Having nerves fire erratically sounds like an eptilitic fit. Having a fight or flight responce wouldn't come from the nerves anyway. Needless to say, I am not a fan of this first sentence.
quote:My artificial heart disobeyed,
sounds like a heartattack
quote:I stared blankly at the holographic scan of my soul. I wanted to puke. The image was dim and flickering.
I'd switch the second and third lines around.
The rest I really don't have a problem with. Nice idea.
posted
I like the voice here. I will have to agree strongly with Snapper's first and third suggestions.
The logic in the first line was a little flawed as he mentioned and also the prose seemed a little thick, but I seemd to chalk it up to the voice, and the energy charged state it was in, but first lines are important and this should be looked over.
The arrangement in the other line would make it flow alot better. It would progress more logically.
I'll give this a once over if you want. Send it along.
posted
I understand the need to try to hook the reader in the first 13, but this seems to cram too much information in too quickly and it doesn't all make sense. For instance: Why would this person's soul vanish or explode based upon the scan? This is not obvious from the content. It is short though, so I'm willing to read the whole thing.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Robert beat me to it: you have a catchy title. Very useful.
- The nerve thing has already been commented on. - Not sure about your use of staring 'blankly' at the hologram. It would've been fine if they were in shock, but the other feelings you've described sound more like panic. Aghast is a little melodramatic, stared in horror is a little over the top... disbelief? There's got to be a word that works here, but I don't think 'blankly' is it. - Ectoplasmic. Ectoplasm. It's... well, predictable. I don't want to say cliché, but it kind of is. Is there any other word you can use / any other way of describing it? Personal preference on that one. - I assume that 'sublimate straight to nothingness' means 'disappear'?
Aside from little nits above, I do like your idea, and the voice is pretty good too. Panicked about dying [again, presumably], angry about the unfairness of it all, slightly bitter [at the situation, and at the way people treat Re-animants] - all the things you'd expect to see.
I'd like to see the rest, if you want my opinion .
Printer-friendly view of this topic
.
