posted
Ben, blinking off sleep, stared at himself in the mirror and all he saw was black and gray. If someone had said he’d look good as a blonde he would shrug in disinterested ignorance. Of course no one actually said that because color didn’t exist. Never had, and so there wasn’t anything to miss. The swirling white around the lights above his head, the fragments of dark shadow in the corners of the boxed in room were all in a typical Zdrone day.
The intercom buzzed and clicked until a woman’s voice sounded through the prehistoric speaker. She was a little testy this morning, he could tell, her lips smacking together as if she had been trying to reach him for hours. But he knew the truth; not a minute earlier he had reprogrammed the R.R.L.-Five to her
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 23, 2008).]
posted
Welcome to F&F. I love your handle. It reminds me of the French chefs I used to train under.
The first paragragh didn't really work for me.
quote:If someone had said
Why would anyone have said? If as you say, color does not exist?
This seemed to be a device to convey information. I may be alone in this opinion, but it seems the whole purpose of this paragraph is to convey this fact(That there is no color) in a clever way, which does little to forward the plot.
The second P is much better; in fact I think it would be a better place to start. There are a couple of grammar issues. But I like the way it flows.
quote:R.R.L.-Five
this was clunky. RRL-5 or somesuch might make it easier on the eyes.
Overall, I like the premise but there was not alot to hook me. There was a good deal of scene setting, but I did not pick up on any conflict, tension, or purpose.
I would also like to meet the MC, by name of course. I don't suppose this is nescessary, but I am fond of getting on a first name basis with the MC in the intro.
I was very interested in the world though. I would be glad to look over your draft if it is less than 8k. Send it over if you want.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 24, 2008).]
quote:Ben, blinking off sleep, stared at himself in the mirror and all he saw was black and gray.
I'd break this into two sentences.
quote:If someone had said he’d look good as a blonde he would shrug in disinterested ignorance. Of course no one actually said that because color didn’t exist.
And for the same reason, the character most likely wouldnt be thinking any of this.
quote:the boxed in room were all in a typical Zdrone day.
Even in context this could mean several different things. It could be a bit clearer.
quote:She was a little testy this morning, he could tell, her lips smacking together as if she had been trying to reach him for hours.
She hasn't said anything yet.
quote:But he knew the truth; not a minute earlier he had reprogrammed the R.R.L.-Five to her
whats an RRL 5 and how or why does he "reprogram it to her?"
posted
Yes, the first paragraph was a bit troublesome for me, too. It seems a waste of space for you to describe something that the character wouldn't even notice to begin with.
It's also weird, too, that while he seems familiar enough with the woman at the intercom to think she was testy this morning, suggesting he'd encountered her previous mornings, but still thinks of her as just "a woman". It seems he's expecting her, too--maybe you can suggest what her role.
posted
Interesting premise, a world of black and white--a simulated world?
As the others have indicated, the story opens in 3rd person limited POV, so the narrator can only tell what the MC sees, thinks and feels. Since MC has never experienced colour, narrator can't talk about the lack of it.
Getting across that we're in a b&w world will be tough. One way might be, for example, to give Ben a video intercom and mention the contrast of his visitor's dark grey lips against the silver-white of her face. And during the story, feed in the colours of other things we know are coloured (flames, wood, grass, steak, eggs) in shades of grey, white and black.
Alternatively, leave it out and have the characters behave apparently normally until someone from the real world arrives and wonders where colour went. (Or MC gets into the real world and thinks his head has exploded.)
A couple of other points: how could he have reprogrammed the RRL Five a minute earlier? He was asleep then. Further, for me, openings where the MC wakes up are cliched.
I think this could be an interesting story. What would a b&w world be like? Would it be free of colour prejudice? How would traffic lights work? Henry Ford would be happy, for sure ;-)
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