posted
Was putting this together yesterday, finished the first opening chapter (900 words) and wanted to know how well it flowed as well as any comments on the first 13.
Thanks!
Seasons were turning. The ominous stormclouds that had been stacked high and dark across the flatlands throughout the winter now churned and shifted, moving ever so slowly east. They were raucous in there going, vomiting up loud claps of thunder and violent clashes of lightning. The rain they produced pounded down in icy floods of refutation, harder than it had all year. But they moved on, encouraged by the spring breeze that flowed over the Balindaar mountain range in the west. Haldir opened his arms as the rain began to subside and leaned graciously into the wind as it reached him, embracing its warmth. The clean scent of the shinook held a promise of new life, but buried under it was a sickly decay, harsher and more eternal than any winter season. Above the snow topped mountains
posted
Nice writing, nice setting of scene. Trim it up though - too many extraneous words:
"The ominous stormclouds that had been stacked high and dark across the flatlands throughout the winter now dhurned and shifted, moving ever so slowly east." :
Ominous winter stormclouds stacked high and dark over flatlands now churned and shifted slowly east in a spring shinook."
"...but buried under it was a sickly decay..." Hard to imagine "buried under it" since the scent is in the air. "The air held the scent of new life mixed with the rotting decay of..." Or something similar
"...floods of refutation..." Refutation of what?
"Above (the delete) snow topped mountains..."
"The rain they produced pounded down..." - "Rain pounded down..."
"...over the Balindaar mountain range in the west." - "Over the western Balindaar mountain range."
quote: Seasons were turning. The ominous [delete: you go on to give a great description of ominous] stormclouds that had been stacked high and dark across the flatlands throughout the winter now churned and shifted, moving ever so slowly east. They were raucous [does raucous fit the mood you set up in the last sentence?] in there [their] going, vomiting [not sure I like vomiting, here] up loud [never yet heard a quiet clap of thunder] claps of thunder and violent clashes of lightning. The rain they produced pounded down in icy floods of refutation [distracting word choice], harder than it had all year. But they moved on, encouraged by the spring breeze that flowed over the Balindaar mountain range in the west. Haldir opened his arms as the rain began to subside and leaned graciously [word choice: gratefully] into the wind delete: as it reached him, embracing its warmth. The clean scent of the shinook [I need some clue what this is if the scene is going to work for me] held a promise of new life, but buried under it was a sickly decay, harsher and more eternal than any winter season [I get what you mean here, but the phrasing is confusing—I think it's the way you use “eternal”]. Above the snow topped mountain
Some strong images. I'd be tempted to trim the 1st paragraph quite a bit, or remove it entirely, so you start with Haldir doing something.
You make some odd word choices that remind me of Donaldson, “Covenant breathed in through his raw, self-inflicted nostrils”. A little of this can add an awful lot of color to a piece; cross the line and the words you use start to distract your reader from the picture you are trying to paint.
posted
I, too, feel it could be trimmed up some in the first paragraph, and was curious as to what the weather has to do with the rest of the story.
I found myself saying, "finally" when the protangonist was introduced by the second paragraph, though I am curious as to where the story may be going from here.
posted
Seasons were turning. The ominous stormclouds that had been stacked high and dark across the flatlands throughout the winter now churned and shifted, moving ever so slowly east.[this gave me pause - why would they be moving ever so slowly if there's such churning energy?] They were raucous in there[their] going, vomiting up loud claps of thunder and violent clashes of lightning. [The rain they produced - cut, "Rain" is enough] pounded down in icy floods of refutation [this is a bit over the top for me as a metaphor. Refutation of what?], [harder than it had all year - cut]. But they moved on, encouraged by the spring breeze that flowed over the Balindaar mountain range [I don't think spring breezes usually flow over mountain ranges... the convection currents meet the mountains, rise, and cycle, creating storms on one side and arid weather on the other] in the west. Haldir opened his arms as the rain began to subside and leaned graciously into the wind as it reached him, embracing its warmth. The clean scent of the shinook[chinook] held a promise of new life, but buried under it was a sickly decay, harsher and more eternal than any winter season. Above the snow topped mountains
I liked the nature imagery. I took it as a metaphor for what was to come: there's some kind of decay and turmoil spread over what could have been a majestic land. So I wasn't bothered that the narrator didn't get introduced until the end, because there was plenty of conflict going on already.
posted
Awesome, thanks guys. I took what I think I needed from your observations. I get too cinematic sometimes. Thanks Pyraxis for the info on the Chinook, I actually looked it up after your comment because I thought it came from the warm coast, but your right, I think i changed to wording to relect this, I also tried to move the plot along a bit more with losing the feeling. Let me know if you folks think this works better
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Seasons were turning. The storm clouds that had been stacked high and dark across the flatlands throughout the winter now churned upon each other in agitated unrest as they moved ever so slowly east, encouraged by the spring breeze that flowed from the Roquay Mountain range in the west. Haldir opened his arms as the rain began to subside and leaned gratefully into the wind, embracing its warmth. The Chinook held a promise of new life, but buried deep within it was an ailing scent of decay, harsher and more eternal than the winter rains had seemed. Above the snow topped mountains in the far distance the reddish glow of the setting sun could be witnessed for the first time in well over five months. It too seemed cruel, menacing in its triumph over the clouds. There was an evil over the mountains, and that evil had
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