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Author Topic: Visitation at the 6th Ward
MadFrenchie
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The majority of the crazies called him Captain because when he wasn’t drooling from the latest stem-shot or screaming at the men in white who could care less about who was locked up in the sixth ward he told stories about the stars. It wasn’t that he eloquently regurgitated the first landing on the moon or the first pioneers to sail to Mars, no, he had memories of his own and they weren’t without terror.

Samuel T. Irons fiddled with a plastic dinner knife while humming to the subduing jazz that snuck through the vent just above his bed. Sure, they had music but only during piss tests and naptime. His life was a series of appointments now, and none without the dreary, mountain fog of P-4. But somewhere beneath the heaviness of drugs he felt a longing for the starry paths that had nearly cost


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kathyton
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I quite liked this piece, once I really read it. But it is a challenging intro. The intriguing character in distress can easily pull a reader into a story.
However, starting with a long, complex sentence doesn't invite the reader into the story.
Compare
quote:
The majority of the crazies called him Captain because when he wasn’t drooling from the latest stem-shot or screaming at the men in white who could care less about who was locked up in the sixth ward he told stories about the stars[quote]
with
[quote]Sure, they had music but only during piss tests and naptime.


The second is direct, clear, and engaging.

I presume Captain is Samuel T. Irons, but that isn't clear.

I think tightening would not only clarify, but also allow you to introduce the conflict of the piece -- what specifically does Samuel want? (that this story will share)


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InarticulateBabbler
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quote:

The majority of the crazies called him Captain[,] because when he wasn’t drooling from the latest stem-shot or screaming at the men in white who could care less about who was locked up in the sixth ward[,] he told stories about the stars.<--[Long sentence. Ran out of mental-breath reading it. and POV? It wasn’t that he eloquently regurgitated the first landing on the moon or the first pioneers to sail to Mars, no, he had memories of his own and they weren’t without terror.<--[Nice Hook, but too passive a voice.]
Samuel T. Irons [Who?] fiddled with a plastic dinner knife while humming to the subduing jazz that snuck through the vent [just<--[IMHO - Cut.] above his bed. Sure, they had music[,] but only during piss tests and naptime. His life was a series of appointments now, and none without the dreary, mountain fog of P-4. But somewhere beneath the heaviness of drugs he felt a longing for the starry

I cut my comments off at the thirteenth line.

The hook is in the terrorizing memories.

1) The first sentence is long and not properly punctuated. I had to read through twice to get it. (That's bad.)

2) Though the hook is a strong idea, it lacks the potency it would by having an active voice.

3) It is unclear why you meantion Captain in the first paragraph and then detail the day of Samuel T. Irons.

4) This is an infodump-ish beginning. I suggest you cut the first pragraph, or show us People calling Samuel T. Irons Capatin, and in what context:

Samuel T. Irons shuffled across the 6th floor common area of the St. Jude's Center for the Insane. He didn't look the others in the eyes, but he could feel their appraising stares.

"Tell us about your star voyage again, Captain," George Mullins, who was certain he was the reincarnation of Genghis Kahn, said.

Samuel shuddered. The endless sea of stars was breathtaking, but there were other memories--horrible memories--attached to the image. Memories that he couldn't get away from, no matter how many drugs Dr. Piper pumped into him.

Good luck with this.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 14, 2008).]


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Merlion-Emrys
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I like it quite a lot as it is. The first sentence is definitely a little long though. Of course I dont have a problem on any personal level with passive voice or exposition beginings like most do, if it fits the story and feel.

Also the two paragraphs do seem a little disconnected. Those are the only problems I see.


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