I've given serious thought to the excellent advice everyone has given me on my story. I've written a completely different beginning that brings the element of magic and fantasy in much sooner. I also ditched the woodland elf idea and went with an American Indian angle instead. I think this ties in nicely to the use of Appaloosas in the main part of the story. See what you think, and be aware that this is a work in progress:

“I loved Grandfather’s stories about Red Hawk,” Mom said.

Wyatt McGovern had tried his best to steer clear of anything pertaining to his ancestor, but the stories were Mom's favorite topic. The tales of the Nez Perce shaman were legendary but hadn’t even been part of the discussion before she brought it up.

“Remember your first trail ride at Yellow Paint Forest where you saw a man change into a hawk?” She asked. He’d never realized she’d seen it too, and she caught his reaction before he could hide it. “I knew Red Hawk had come east with us,” she went on like nothing had happened, “and so proud when you told me he’d appeared in your vision quest. The medicine horse is a strong totem and will guide you to your true destiny.”

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited June 15, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited June 15, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 15, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited June 27, 2008).]

Wyatt McGovern arrived at the auction barn in time to join the handlers Dad was leading through the rows of holding pens. “Silas, the odd numbered pens in this row are yours. Wyatt, you have the even,” Dad said.

Silas gave the horse in pen twenty-two a quick inspection. “This can’t be right,” he said.

I think you could do more to ground us in Wyatt's POV, or whoever is your MC (assuming you're going for 3rd person limited).

Wyatt McGovern arrived at the auction barn in time to join the handlers Dad was leading through the rows of holding pens. “Silas, the odd numbered pens in this row are yours. Wyatt, you have the even,” Dad said. Sounds like Wyatt's POV, since you mention his name right off the bat, but it's not entirely clear

Silas gave the horse in pen twenty-two a quick inspection. “This can’t be right,” he said.Weird that you switch to Silas here, though technically not in his POV, at this early stage it's hard a bit much, first Wyatt, then Dad, then Silas. I suggest rephrasing this so it's clearly in Wyatt's POV. Maybe Wyatt's about to open the door to the pen of the horse he's supposed to inspect when he hears Silas over his shoulder.

quote:

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Wyatt McGovern arrived at the auction barn in time to join the handlers Dad was leading through the rows of holding pens. “Silas, the odd numbered pens in this row are yours. Wyatt, {you have the even,” Dad said. we know this is his dad, I'd leave off the Dad said.}

Silas gave the horse in pen twenty-two a quick inspection. “This can’t be {right,” he said. ditto to the he said.}

“What’s not right?” {Wyatt said before he peered into the pen. I'd remove said before he} The leopard Appaloosa’s { remove returned } gaze held a touch of familiarity that {Why did it give him the creeps? Did he not like his spirit guide? gave him the creeps.} The mare was an exact replica of his spirit guide. “Black Rain.” His lips said without a sound. {"Black Rain," his lips moved without a sound.} Only Mom was aware of his totem’s identity, and he decided to keep his discovery to himself. The rest of the handlers would tease him for months if they knew he could

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The POV is frequently difficult for me to challenge, so I won't go there. You already have some good input on it.

Is it a stall or a pen they keep horses in? I initially thought of pigs.

I enjoyed this beginning. Keep going!

Gina

quote:

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“I loved Grandfather’s stories about Red Hawk,” Mom said.

Wyatt McGovern[The last name seems unweildy here why not bring it in later. Discussing lineage will make it easy had tried his best to steer clear of anything pertaining to his ancestor, but the stories were Mom's favorite topic. The tales of the Nez Perce shaman were legendary but hadn’t even been part of the discussion before she brought it up.[The tail end of this line seems to work backwards. It might be better to use an active structure or ut this all together.

“Remember your first trail ride at Yellow Paint Forest where you saw a man change into a hawk?” She asked. He’d never realized she’d seen it too, and she caught his reaction before he could hide it. “I knew Red Hawk had come east with us,” she went on like nothing had happened, “and so proud when you told me he’d appeared in your vision quest. The medicine horse is a strong totem and will guide you to your true destiny.”

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Overall this is nice and has a fresh feel. I would turn the page.

Wyatt peered into the holding pen, and the black leopard mare chose that moment to hold his gaze with her own. He drew in a startled gasp. She was a ghost that had stepped right out of his past, and goose bumps chose that moment to crawl up his arms.

“Black Rain,” he whispered.

He shot a quick glance at Silas standing behind him. Good. He hadn’t heard him. Only Mom was aware of his spirit guide’s identity, and he wanted it to stay that way. Silas had one, too, but the vision quest had been just for fun to humor Mom when they were children. After all it was her side of the family that traced back to the Nez Perce.

“So, do you want to trade or not?” Silas asked him again.