posted
Biting the bullet. I can't say I even rightly know what genre I'd stick this in honestly. It reads less flat out science fiction and more general speculative in my opinion.
I'm looking for critiques, opinions, and eventual readers. This is a WIP but I know exactly where I'm taking it so I thought I'd go ahead and run this up. It's funny, I wrote to this point a couple of days ago and then the rest of the story hit me just tonight. The problem is going to be finding time to write it given I'm working on picking up my Fall job. Here's to notebooks!
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“This won’t solve itself, Mom!” “It’s not our problem, Charles!” They were fighting again and Freddy sat quietly watching cartoons. He liked to watch the news, hoping to see Dad, but Mom hated hearing the news. This wasn’t the first time this argument had happened and Freddy prayed it wouldn’t be the last time. Bad things were happening in the world. When the arguing stopped, people left. “I won’t have you end up like your father!” “He’s fighting for what he believes in! What the Hell are you doing?” “Don’t you dare talk to me like that! I’m working to keep this family together.” “Then why aren’t we together Mom?” Freddy stopped watching the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 16, 2008).]
posted
The hook is not strong enough for me. Yes, there's a conflict and bad things are happening in the world, but the scene is a quite ordinary. If you do not want to introduce a speculative element just yet, then make me care enough about one of the characters to keep reading, your best bet is probably Freddy.
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posted
Your big problem here is that we know nothing about the characters beyond their names and their sex (and the last is a bit of an assumption). The dialogue is good but give us a little more. How old are Charlie and Freddy? Is their mother a harried, chain smoking 95 pounds, or is she big and domineering with a gigantic double chin?
posted
Okay so this may become a lengthy evaluation. I am trying to give you an accurate account of what is going through my head here.
First, before a single word was read, I was already biased against this. I am a proponent for dialogue in introductions, well first thireen, which technically isn't an introduction, but before I read a single word(even now as I write I haven't) I saw that this was clearly entirely dialogue, and their didn't apear to be any beats of action and really didn't look like any tags. Now I will read.
quote:“This won’t solve itself, Mom!” “It’s not our problem, Charles!” [[Okay, I was wrong about the action beat, and you did well setting the characters within the text here]They were fighting again and Freddy sat quietly watching cartoons. He liked to watch the news, hoping to see Dad, but Mom hated hearing the news. This wasn’t the first time this argument had happened and Freddy prayed it wouldn’t be the last time. Bad things were happening in the world. When the arguing stopped, people left. [[This is a large block of action, which seems to make the actual events stop surrounded by so much dialogue. In a way it makes me feel like the Twilight zone narrator. At the begining when the scene stops and he speaks.]] “I won’t have you end up like your father!” “He’s fighting for what he believes in! What the Hell are you doing?” “Don’t you dare talk to me like that! I’m working to keep this family together.” “Then why aren’t we together Mom?” Freddy stopped watching the
Ok, so I admit I was wrong about the action, but I wanted to offer you that perspective, because the looks of our text in the MS we write and submit affects the way the readers mind absorbs the information.
That out of the way, I would recomend breaking up that large body of information and weaving it into the beat of the conversation. I think it will make this both more readable and less intimidating visually.
As for the speculative, I think you are right. I get no sense of it. There is conflict here certainly, but as a product of dyfunctional family, well I guess it is just somewhat mundane to me. There are two points to consider, I suppose. Is the story starting in the right place. Is this the true moment of incitement? If so, I would consider reorganizing a bit to make this a little more compelling.
Well I am out of gas as I should be. Sorry about the long winded rant.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 16, 2008).]
As others have identified, there's not a speculative element in the hook which might be a problem for some markets. I did get intrigued by the premise that the father was someone important, but it didn't really give me a hint as to what kind of story was to come.
I always think it's always that little bit tougher to open up with a lot of dialogue, so the hook has to be pretty strong. Is there a way to strengthen the hook within the dialogue? There is a lot of unattributed dialogue too which, as Bent Tree has identified, gives an offputting visual. I'd suggest, as he has, interweaving the dialogue and some action cues to change the pace and rhythm of the opening.
I'd probably read further, but I'd have to get something interesting fairly soon. Otherwise, it seems like a nice, strong start.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited July 16, 2008).]
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