posted
About 4k. Looking for comments on the 1st 13, or ideally crits of my first draft.
quote: Angus stood at the foot of the lighthouse and looked up. Time and sea had crusted the walls with barnacles, layered over with kelp and algae, and changed the tower into something organic about which the smell of seaweed and decay hung like a sea fret.
A wave washed up around his ankles, cold brine and seaweed that twined and clung. He took a step towards the door and more water sloshed where his feet had been. The tide was rising fast. The rocky causeway behind him was already mostly submerged. Five hours walk on a treacherous path to bring him here and he wouldn't be going back again until the tide turned; but Pa said the Light Keeper had asked for him by name and you didn't argue with that.
He knocked, then hammered at the door, to no effect. The drenched beams smothered the sound. Behind him, another wave
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited July 13, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited July 13, 2008).]
posted
I am a bit conflicted here. The scene setting is well done, although:
quote:Time and sea had crusted the walls with barnacles, layered over with kelp and algae, and changed the tower into something organic about which the smell of seaweed and decay hung like a sea fret.
this line seemed overwritten.
I am seeking out the character, but he never seems to show up. From what I learn of him, he seems but a boy. But the voice, the narration doesn't seem to convey this. To me, the prose is great, but I get a sense of a high and distant narration.
I liked the injection of the motive for his trip to the lighthouse. It served to lure me, But I would like a little more character and ater I turned the page, I would be disapointed not to see it develop right away.
posted
Damn, I did a long post for this and then lost it! Needless to say (sorry!) I won't do another.
quote:Five hours walk on a treacherous path to bring him here and he wouldn't be going back again until the tide turned;
This reads wrong, it feels clipped and short--perhaps you didn't want to cut your over-written sentence (which I quite liked, despite that fact) and so cut extraneous words from this one.
It took a five hour walk along a treacherous path to bring him this far and he couldn't return until the tide ebbed;
Also, where are these beams from? Do light houses have external beams--seems a little like a design flaw as they would swell and distort--same goes for a light house door. Also to refer to the door as beams would be incorrect--beams are elements of a construction (building) or a means of instantaneous transport use by the federation. Lighthouses near enough to the sea to get covered in barnacles and kelp would have metal doors, in my mind. Doors usually have frames and panels, a beam implies some sort of weight-bearing application.
This turned out to be as long as the original post.
I liked the voice and the description. The hook was light, very light. If you sent this to a pro-mag I would imagine you would get the response that it starts to slowly.
posted
Sounds promising. The setting is enough to keep reading for another paragraph or so, as are the questions "Why isn't the keeper answering the door?" and "Why was Angus sent for?" I can, however, tell this is a first draft, as some of the wording is clumsy, like you're trying too hard to establish a certain ambiance, or something. But this is the beauty of first drafts, no?
I read another dark story that took place in a lighthouse, published, I believe, in Penny Dreadful some months ago. I'm interested to see where this one goes. Please, send it along.
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