I'd be glad to take comments on the intro as well. Horror is something in which I lack confidence.

Primal inheritance—that’s what I coined it—that look you saw in my eye. I caught it the second you noticed. I suppose those pretentious quacks might have another explanation. What else could it be? I have studied it. It is the same look you see in the eye of a wild animal about to attack you. Millions of years of killer instinct. This is something which cannot be simply replaced with social conditioning.
The very fact that we surpress this, our primal inheritance—well we are in essence, caging that lion within us. Pushing it into a corner. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a caged lion? You caught a glimpse of it. Then in the blink of an eye, you realized. I saw your testosterone and alchohol induced bravodo revert to that of the cowering child—the prey, the quarry.

After a quick read of the first 13, the only thing I had issue with is the consistent use of "it" in the opening few sentences. Had to reread a couple of times to sort out the "its." However, the subject matter intrigues me, b/c (confession time) I inherited a rage problem that can only be termed "primal." Anger management? Ha, yeah right. For this most personal of reasons, I'd turn the page, hoping to discover your take on the disturbing places instinct takes a human being.

a)Primal inheritance—that’s what I coined it—that look you saw in my eye. I caught it the second you noticed. I suppose those pretentious quacks might have another explanation. What else could it be? I have studied it. b)It is the same look you see in the eye of a wild animal about to attack you. Millions of years of killer instinct. This is something which cannot be simply replaced with social conditioning.
The very fact that we surpress this, our primal inheritance—wellc) we are in essence, caging that lion within us. Pushing it into a corner. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a caged lion? d)You caught a glimpse of it. Then in the blink of an eye, you realized. I saw your testosterone and alchohol induced bravodo revert to that of the cowering child—e)the prey, the quarry.

a)Not sure you have done this right--at least in my opinion, which doesn't say a lot, as I overuse dashes. It just reads wrong to me. Perhaps not to others. My preferred option below:

I coined it primal inheritance--the look that you saw in my eye.

b) You middle sentence isn't a sentence as it contains no verb. You may argue this is first person narration and so can follow dialogue rules--which is true--however you can avoid it. See below:

You see the same look in the eyes of a wild animal ready to attack you--millions of years of killer instinct. It cannot be simply replaced with social conditioning.

c)Comma.

The very fact that we suppress this--our primal inheritance—well, we are, in essence, caging the lion within us.

I don't think you need the in essence bit. It weakens what you are saying.

d) What is the it? Obviously, I know but it made me pause for a moment.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a caged lion? You caught a glimpse of it.

I would re-phrase for explicitness. e.g.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a caged lion? Did you see the same glint in mine?

Just an example.

e) Replace the word the after the dash to to. You are saying that he reverts to a cowering child, reverts to prey, reverts to quarry. See below:

...induced bravado revert to that of the cowering child—to prey, to quarry.

I hope your narrator, when he seems to speak to this guy, is actually going speak to him--or is this merely a mental conversation with himself.

It has a hook and is well written. Most of the stuff I have pointed out is nit-picking and can be safely ignored!

Adam

-Edited due to screwing up my ABC.

I did think there were an awful lot of em-dashes. Even if it is how the character speaks, it can be a bit exhausting to read. Breathless, like.

This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it or dismiss me. I think a readable story is one that is easy to read--the story comes through without the reader being caught up too much on the actual prose.

If you are trying to establish a voice I would recommend that you do this with the minimum of grammatical mistakes (narrator mistakes) you can, as this makes it easier for the reader to read. I would be immediately put off if the writer used a voice that didn't make sense on the paper. I am not saying your narrator is such a one, but I certainly think it could be tidied as my nit-picking suggested.

When we talk about voice we are trying to achieve a some charactersation but this, in my mind, shouldn't be at the expense of clarity or readability.

Some people like to use phonetic spelling to achieve accents--but I can't stand that and will drop a story that does it no matter how 'good' it is. Quite simply I can't be bothered. I am happy with a hint of the accent--clever word choice etc. can create the same effect and strengthen the odd 'ain't' or whatever you use.

This is purely personal and others may disagree.

Please be aware I did like the piece in general, and there was hook.

I am not a great fan of 1st person, especially where it doesn't identify any time or place, and the narrator seems to be talking in a vacuum--there no setting. There is a difference between 1st Person that seems to be describing something that has just happened (moments ago)and something where it could have happened weeks, months or years ago. I prefer the first, I would give your story a little more time in the hope it would slip into more of a standard story narrative.

"Primal inheritance—that’s what I coined it—that look you saw in my eye. I caught it the second you noticed."

This is a bit complex, there's a look that the second person sees in the first person's eyes, and the first person notices that the second person noticed the look... Too cumbersome for me.

'Primal inheritance—that’s what I coined it—that look you saw in my eye.'

'Primal inheritance' doesn't work for me. It sounds too formal for a regular person and not formal enough for a scholar. It almost reminds me of a roleplaying game, where you know the name of certain traits people wouldn't normally label. He might refer, in passing, to it as a primal inheritance, but he wouldn't coin a specific name for it unless he was a scientist (which you suggest he might be), but then I'd make it more technical. It's almost like naming his anger 'Maggie'. Unless there's a very good reason for it contextually, it's just not realistic. And if it's meant to be a scientific term, it doesn't sound formal enough.

Consider: 'Primal inheritance--that's what it was--that look you saw in my eye.'

'I caught it the second you noticed.'

Caught what? His/her recognition of the primal inheritance? The primal inheritance itself? A passing sparrow?

'I suppose those pretentious quacks might have another explanation.'

But by labelling it 'primal inheritance', he sounds like one of those 'pretentious quacks' he decries. And I'm not sure he would decry such people, because he says he's 'studied' it. He is one of those 'pretentious quacks'.

'What else could it be? I have studied it.'

Anger management issues? Be careful of amateur philosophising.

'It is the same look you see in the eye of a wild animal about to attack you. Millions of years of killer instinct. This is something which cannot be simply replaced with social conditioning.'

I'm getting theme, mood and emotion, but not much in terms of story?

'The very fact that we surpress this,'

Spelt 'suppress'.

'our primal inheritance—well we are in essence, caging that lion within us. Pushing it into a corner.'

Delete 'in essence'.

'Have you ever looked into the eyes of a caged lion? You caught a glimpse of it. Then in the blink of an eye, you realized. I saw your testosterone and alchohol induced bravodo revert to that of the cowering child—the prey, the quarry.'

I'd hyphenate 'testosterone- and alcohol-induced', and it's 'bravado' with two As and one O. Also, the writing's a little clunky at times here. Words like 'revert', 'the quarry' and 'the cowering child' crowd the last sentence. Consider: 'Your boozy bravado slipped back, and you were a child again. All soft meat and nerves.'

Good luck with this. Send it to me if you like