posted
Another flash I just finished.I won't stop til I get a pro pub. Any takers? Flash is quick and relatively painless.
Hialeah Convalescent Home- Miami Florida, 1953
“Good morning, Senor Castillos,” said the nurse. “I am just going to change your IV.” He did so hate the cheerful tone she kept. “There is good news. A musical group from the university is coming this afternoon,” she said as she switched the saline bags. At least this one speaks decent English. I wish you would just speak Spanish. Does it not occur to you that my name is Spanish? I have been speaking that language, in one dialect or another for over four hundred years. But he was now reduced to a shell of a man—skin and precious little bone. He couldn’t speak at all. “They are called the Campus Owls. They are volunteering their
posted
I would like to take a look if you don't mind. I'm not sure that I will be of any real help, but when you do get published, you shall have to market to the plebs at some stage no? It does look very interesting, so I should think at this stage that you'd at least have no trouble selling it.
posted
My first reaction was: Please tell me this is not another Juan Ponce de Leon story.
quote: "Good morning, Senor Castillos,” said the nurse. “I am just going to change your IV.” (IVs were dangerous until the 70s. You may want to keep that in mind. On first read, it felt, too modern) He did so hate the cheerful tone she kept. [This implies a familiarity, but she doesn't have a name.] “There is good news. A musical group from the university is coming this afternoon,” she said as she switched the saline bags. [This Company developed "the VIAFLEX plastic IV container" during the 60s and introduced it in 1970.] At least this one speaks decent English. [Huh?] I wish you would just speak Spanish. [Huh? With the last sentence, this is confusing.] Does it not occur to you that my name is Spanish? I have been speaking that language, in one dialect or another for over four hundred years. [Nice hook, but it feels forced.] But he was now reduced to a shell of a man—skin and precious little bone. [PoV? This reads like it's very distant.] He couldn’t speak at all. “They are called the Campus Owls. They are volunteering their
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 15, 2008).]
posted
Great link, IB. Thanks for the comments. I couldn't find much on the subject. I will look into it a little more.
Nope, not a fountain of youth story. I can see your concern though. I might rearange this a little to get more of the speculative in it now that you mention it. I am not sure I can rely on the title.
I'd agree with IB that the following dialogue is confusing:
"At least this one speaks decent English. I wish you would just speak Spanish."
The hook is nice, but it does seem like an unlikely self-dialogue. Given he is mute, could the nurse patronise him and have him mentally give a prideful response (i.e. Don't treat me like a child, I'm 400 years old) set out your hook? I'm presuming that his age is the hook you want to get across, rather than his precise origins.
Other than that, it seems like a promising 1st 13. Regards,
posted
Thank you all for the comments. You have given me an idea for revision, but for the sake of respecting those kind enough to read I will post a revision once their feedback comes in, and I have analyzed it.
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