posted
Looking for readers on this one. And any suggestions on how to make the first 13 more "hookish."
And FYI this is "tear" as in water running down my face, not "tear" as in "rip." That becomes more clear right after the first 13.
Tear stepped away from the lamb roasting in the fireplace. Her cat rubbed against her leg. “It is not done yet, Orange.” She peered through the barred window into the street. The townspeople of Graem went about their business. Across the street Cade bargained with the baker for a sweetloaf, and then trotted away. He was no doubt on some errand for Tralleur, the owner of the house in which she stayed. Was forced to stay. She scratched under her eye. The cloth tear-catchers irritated her skin, but Tralleur would yell if she removed them. She hated the name even more than she hated wearing them. Every uttering of “tear-catchers” sounded like a personal insult.
posted
Nice effort. There are perhaps too many names in the opening lines, however - five in the first two paragraphs - which makes it sounds as if you're rushing into details, stuffing as much info as you can into the opening. Also, "she hated the name" threw me for a moment. I don't want to have read the next couple of sentences to figure out that she hates the word 'tear-catcher' rather than her captor's name.
However, sounds like you're well on your way to creating an interesting situation. The concept of the tear-catchers is hook enough for me to keep reading. Please, send me the story.
posted
I liked your opening. Here are a fewideas for you consideration:
--Move some form of the two lines about the tear-catcher to the very beginning, so that the context of the name is known from the get-go. --In the present version, find a way so that 'Tear' is not the first word in the sentence, so it's recognized immediately as a name. --The reader might read past this 'she', expecting it to refer to Tralleur: He was no doubt on some errand for Tralleur, the owner of the house in which she stayed. --Was forced to stay. Because you set this apart, the reader expects this to have great gravity, but I didn't feel it. Maybe combine it with the previous sentence, something like: ...the owner of the house in which she was /forced/ to stay. --We don't really know why this is so: Every uttering of “tear-catchers” sounded like a personal insult.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 13, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
