It's been a while since I posted something of my own, but I was curious to see what people thought of this one. Any and all comments welcome [note: British spellings and punctuation].
quote:Brian sipped his tea, and considered the object in front of him. The glass was pristine, entirely unspoilt, and it held the soft light of the room in delicate crimson swirls. A figurine, beautifully crafted.
‘Tell me, Sam,’ he began, peering over the rim of his teacup, ‘and think very carefully about this. From whom, and I want the truth, did you steal it?’
On the other side of his workbench, a young woman’s expression faltered. ‘But I didn’t-’
‘Don’t lie to me, Sam,’ he cut in. ‘This thing is Jovian glass; I don’t have time for lies.’ Neither did she, for that matter.
‘I don’t know,’ she snapped, ‘I found it! What the hell does it matter where it came from? It’s valuable isn’t it?’
A couple of concerns: * Was thinking about either changing 'On the other side of his workbench' to 'Across his workbench', or cutting the whole line entirely. Keep it / change it / scrap it? * Thought about rewording 'From whom, and I want the truth, did you steal it?' to 'From whom did you steal it', and putting 'I want the truth' either before or after it. Keep / change? * Thought about inserting 'She dropped the pretence.' as a single line between 'Neither did she, for that matter' and ''I don't know,' she snapped'. Yes / no?
Thanks for reading , Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 09, 2008).]
posted
I like this a lot. If you keep the contested line, I would go with the 'Across his workbench....' (That's what I was going to suggest until I noticed your further comments.)
Since you've chosen a name most will assumed to be male, I wouldn't drop the line working in an earlier 'she' or 'her', such as:
‘Tell me, Sam,’ he began, peering at her over the rim of his teacup,...
You can probably drop the 'and think very carefully about this' or 'and I want the truth'. When someone wants the question answered untruthfully, then give extra instructions; otherwise, it is assumed the truth is desired. Of course, you're painting the character's personality and may want to drive home that she is not reliable.
Personal peccadillo: I'm not too hot on complicated tags. The 'he cut in' is redundant because her dialog was cut off with an en dash. Consider an exclamation point instead of 'she snapped.' (But in that case, drop the second exclamation point.)
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 09, 2008).]
posted
Hey WouldBe, thanks for reading - glad you liked .
I'd like to avoid dropping the line entirely (I'm quite attached to his workbench - maybe just because it's the only piece of setting so far), but something's just not quite right. 'On the other side of' is too long, but 'Across' doesn't seem to work either. I did briefly consider 'Beyond', but it was a bit melodramatic. I suppose I could just default to 'Across the room', or 'Opposite him' or something.
I'm still hanging onto 'I want the truth' for some reason (the latest rework is 'and think very carefully about this; I want the truth. From whom did you steal it?'), and I think that's the one I'll drop if I do.
Ha, I must admit, I am treading on the toes of a said bookism ('he cut in' was originally 'he said', and 'she snapped' was a last minute addition). I was hoping that I'd pushed it as far as it can go before sounding obvious. Actually, I've just noticed - I did it again with 'he began'. I think I could safely change that to a 'he said' - does that improve things?
Anyway, thanks for your comments . Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 10, 2008).]
posted
This is intriguing and ready to roll. Nothing here that I wouldn’t put down to personal writers style, and I like your style. Would like to read the whole thing if its ready. If not, keep going with this quality and you’ll soon be a published writer. But send me a copy when you can.
Tracy
Wait, your questions.
My reading eye flowed over the workbench without a hiccup, so I say don’t fix what isn’t broken.
I loved the dialog, don’t change it. Your suggested change is less than the original.
“She dropped the pretense” breaks into telling when you did a perfect job of showing.
Nope, your first instinct was spot on. A regular Bradbury, lol (he refused to change anything already written)
Ok, one nit. "Neither did she, for that matter." should be on the same line as, "I don’t know,’ she snapped,"
But thats it! Thats all you can change, you hear me. lol
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited August 10, 2008).]
posted
Hey Tracy, thanks for the great comment! I'm really glad you liked it . I'm afraid it's nowhere near finished, but I'll e-mail you to see if you're still interested when it's done.
I think you're right about 'she dropped the pretence', and I must admit, I do quite like my dialogue. Still unsure about the workbench bit though - it seems to stick out at some people, and others think it's fine.
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