Added a slightly revised version

Lightmaster Aronos crested the ridge, his white and gold garments sparkling in the sun, and gazed down into the valley below. It stretched before him, a bare and rocky expanse. At the far end, mountains reared their shoulders from the earth, and at their feet, small seeming in the distance, he could discern tumbled ruins that stretched crumbling stone fingers throughout the valley.
Aronos grinned, heart quickening with excitement. He had nearly reached his destination. It was all he could do not to leap down and run across the valley toward the ruins.
Instead, grabbed his companion, Zorthas, the Dimensionist, by the shoulder. “Look, Zorthas! The Ruins of Vorestos, at long last!”

New Version

Lightmaster Aronos crested the ridge. His white and gold garments sparkled in the sun as he gazed down into the valley below. It stretched before him, a bare and rocky expanse. At the far end, mountains reared their shoulders from the earth, and at their feet, small seeming in the distance, tumbled ruins that stretched crumbling stone fingers throughout the valley.
Aronos grinned, his excitement fluttering from heels to head. He had nearly reached his destination. It was all he could do not to leap down and run across the valley toward the ruins.
Instead, he grabbed his companion, Zorthas, the Dimensionist, by the shoulder. “Look, Zorthas! The Ruins of Vorestos, at long last!”
Zorthas smiled. “Yes, it appears your information was correct,

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited August 27, 2008).]

"his white and gold garments sparkling in the sun" - makes it sound like someone else is the POV. If Aronos is the POV this is probably a POV violation.

Also, you're missing a word -
"Instead he grabbed his companion . . . "

My take:

Lightmaster Aronos crested the ridge, his white and gold garments sparkling in the sun (delete), and gazed down into the valley below. It stretched before him, a bare and rocky expanse. At the far end, mountains reared their shoulders from the earth, and at their feet, small seeming (delete) in the distance, he could discern (delete)tumbled ruins that stretched like (add) crumbling stone fingers throughout the valley.
Aronos grinned, heart quickening with excitement (this last sentence is rather cliche, if feel like i read "heart quickening" way too often - your writing is stronger than that) . He had nearly reached his destination. It was all he could do not to leap down and run across the valley toward the ruins. (like this, much stronger, use something like this instead of "heart quickening")
Instead,he (add) grabbed his companion, Zorthas,(delete) the Dimensionist, by the shoulder. “Look, Zorthas! The Ruins of Vorestos, at long last!”

Just a matter of a bit of cleaning up. You have a solid bit of work. I would consider reading on depending on a rewrite

quote:

---

I don't think the POV switch at the beginning works well here. It takes on a very cinematic view, and in those regards becomes overly descriptive. When this happens I feel limited as a reader - Almost like the Author is telling me what to see as opposed to showing me and letting me build the scene myself (though I admit you do not get carried away with it, I do still feel it takes away from the rest of the writing.) Why not just take it out? does it really hurt your story whether or not his clothes are sparkling in the sun. I think it reads a lot better just taking it out.

---

Well, its working at the begining or not aside, the issue still remains of how does one do any descreption of ones POV character without breaking POV? Other than switching POV between scene breaks of course.

The only thing I'd change in the first 13 is:

From:

Lightmaster Aronos crested the ridge, his white and gold garments sparkling in the sun, and gazed down into the valley below.

To:

Keep in mind - this short "jump" from Aronos' 3rd person does not add anything to you story - it is purely for description - and does not do anything to move the story along. I know I would do this almost exact same thing to a much more drastic degree and had it pointed out on numerous occasions. Ask yourself how your story is going to suffer from not having that in there.

At some point, many people are going to want to know what the POV character looks like. But to show that requires either breaking point of view, changing point of view after a scene break, or inserting some obvious device like having them look in a mirror. So, it does add something to the story...but something that some will want, and some not. Whether its at the begining or somewhere else, the overall issue is going to come up.

I have been told by some that a little breaking of POV for a reason can be acceptable...however, i am curious as to others thoughts, as well as any methods or tricks anyone may have for handling this issue as smoothly as possible, because its one that tends to come up pretty frequently for me in many stories.

quote:

---

Well, its working at the begining or not aside, the issue still remains of how does one do any descreption of ones POV character without breaking POV?

---

Why do you need to describe him or more accurately his clothes? If he's fussy about the clothes, somewhere else you'll probably have a scene where he's fussing. There are lots of ways to show me what he is like without telling me or going to cliches - looking in the mirror.

He can do all sorts of things if the vestments are important. After riding for some long-ish time, he can check to see that they aren't mud splattered. They can stop to change from "riding clothes" to formal ones. But, since he's about to head into a "ruin" I doubt the clothing means much at this moment.

He can compare new people to himself. IE - her skin was a slightly lighter ebony than his; she was a whole head shorter than he. Most of the way we define others is in relations to us - taller, shorter, thinner, fatter, prettier, uglier, etc.

Breaking POV "rules" can work if you do it well and are willing to pay the price. Most readers, although not editors and agents, are less picky than we are here.

quote:

---

Why do you need to describe him or more accurately his clothes?

---

Well, all I know is when I havent given some descreption of my characters in stories, its usually mentioned negatively in critiques.

And, this character doesnt have a fixation on his clothes...but it is one of the main things you'd notice about him visually.

quote:

---

He can compare new people to himself. IE - her skin was a slightly lighter ebony than his; she was a whole head shorter than he. Most of the way we define others is in relations to us - taller, shorter, thinner, fatter, prettier, uglier, etc.

---

Now thats a good idea, in general at least, and more of what I am looking for. However, for this scene I think it works ok as it is, in part because it is at the begining. I've taken great pains to keep everything else in the story in very tight POV...so its as if the POV zoomed in nicely after this one line (much as annepin mentions)

I dunno, I just personally feel like having some idea of a characters appearance relatively early on is important. I might be wrong.

quote:

---

Most readers, although not editors and agents, are less picky than we are here.

---

Yes. Something I find quite odd and frankly stupid, since supposedly publications are primarily for readers, not editors.

quote:

---

Well, all I know is when I havent given some descreption of my characters in stories, its usually mentioned negatively in critiques.

---

Maybe they're picking up on the wrong problem? When I have a *strong* picture of what a character looks like in a story, it's usually due to something clever the author has done with characterisation, not actual description. If the character is strong in my mind, my imagination tends to fill in the rest. I might swear that the author has included a full description of the character, but upon re-reading the story, discover they've done nothing of the sort. Maybe this is the issue that your critiquers are picking up on? (I don't know, I haven't read any of your stories yet).

My feeling with visual descriptions of clothes, appearance, etc. is that they don't matter if I'm already hooked, but they have the potential to make a weak hook weaker. I'd probably save any description for the body of the story.

Regards,

Bob parked his car into the faculty parking lot and hurried toward the administration building. He wore a brown suit, a yellow shirt, and his pink tie flapped behind him. If he hurried he wouldn’t be late. He didn’t want to keep the Dean waiting.

-or-

Bob screeched to a stop in front of the administration building, determined not be late. He had thrown on his brown suit, the only one he owned. The ill fitting pants exposed the holes in his socks. At least his hair was combed. This would be his last chance to make his case before the Dean.

In the first paragraph, the description doesn’t do anything to tell the reader about Bob. He’s wearing cloths. That’s it. The suit could be Armani, and that might tell us about Bob. The suit could be borrowed from his Dad, and that might tell us about Bob. But what we have instead is just a grocery list description. It doesn’t help.

In the next paragraph we learn that Bob is the kind of guy who only owns a single suit, and an ill fitting one at that. Bob is the kind of guy who doesn’t usually care about making a good appearance, but because of some conflict with the Dean, he is trying to make one this time.

So anyway, what I get from the white and gold garments in your 13 are that the light master has a regal and cleanly appearance even though he is about to go exploring some ruins. That tells me something about the character. I get the impression that he is something of a bookworm who is about to get his hands dirty with some field work. I mean he’s not dressed like Indiana Jones, he looks like he might have dinner with the King. He might not be prepared for what’s ahead. I like your use of description in this case because it adds to an impression of WHO THE CHARACTER IS.