The girl stood still at the center of the large hall, too afraid to raise her eyes from the floor. From her place in the outer circle, Soona watched the girl tremble as tiny beads of perspiration formed on her face. No man from the inner circle had spoken since the girl entered the hall and the silence seemed only to add to her fear.
Poor thing, Soona thought, eyeing the dark gray headband the girl wore. She hadn’t even started the worse part of her life as a mood-maiden yet. She thought she was afraid, but she didn’t even know what fear really felt like.
“What is the meaning of this? Is she not marked yet?” roared Vaiduur. ”Have we come all this way to be humiliated? Is this how much you value this marriage?”

REVISED:

The girl stood still at the center of the large hall, her eyes on the floor. No man from the inner circle had spoken since she entered the hall. From her place in the outer circle of women, Soona watched as tiny beads of perspiration formed on the girl’s face. The silence seemed only to add to her fear.
Poor thing, Soona thought, eyeing the dark gray headband the girl wore. Naaz hadn’t even started the worse part of her life as a mood-maiden yet. She thought she was afraid, but she didn’t even know what fear really felt like.
“What is the meaning of this? Is she not even marked yet?” roared Vaiduur. ”Have we come all this way to be humiliated? Is this how much you value this marriage?”

My big problem is The POV. You first line is telling us the girl is afraid, and then we jump "into" Soona. rather confusing.

You're trying to convey that Soona can see the girl is afraid. You can't really just come out and say it.

you should start off with something like

"The girl stood still at the center of the large hall, eyes on the floor. Soona watched as tiny beads of perspiration formed on the girls face.." This is showing what Soona sees and we can pick up the message that there is fear here. Or, if soona has been through the same experience, you can convey some sympathy. "Soona had been in the circle before. The fear there was unbearable" etc...

They way you have it now jumps from the girl's POV to Soona's POV in a sentence.

There is also confusion with the use of the word "she". I feel as though Soona is a female as well and the way "she" is being used is making it hard to distinguish between Soona and the girl.

I also thought Soona was female. I suggest changing the name to Derek (not really!).

Female sounding:
Soona
Neena
Vella

Male sounding:

Fracat
Jerik
Zoran

Soona IS a female and she is the POV. My biggest problem here is that she doesn't do much during the first scene, but it is still an important scene I don't want to leave out.

I am also torn between trying to describe how people sit(inner(men's)-outer(women's) circle business) and what really is going on in the scene.

I was afraid that there is already enough going on to confuse people and that was why I left the girl as just a 'she'. Maybe I should give her name from the start as well.

Do you think there is also so much information that you end up missing the hook(if it was there at all) or would fixing the POV issues make it interesting?

In your intro you talk first of the girl in the middle, then the focus shifts to theouter circle, and then goes to the inner circle of men. This is not a logical shift of focus for the reader, and becomes confusing, especially in an intro where all sorts of other data is being chucked onto the reader's brain. Be logical, start at the middle and work outwards in your description--it's easier to follow.

The trembling girl stood alone in the centre of the inner circle of men. From her place in the outer circle of women, Soona watched the girl. Tiny beads of perspiration covered the girl's face. Sonna sighed. The girl was too afraid to even raise her eyes.

Just an example.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 09, 2008).]