Wyatt peered into the holding pen, and the black leopard mare chose that moment to hold his gaze with her own. He drew in a startled gasp. She was a ghost that had stepped right out of his past. He shivered and felt goose bumps spread over his arms. “Black Rain,” he whispered.

He shot a quick glance at Silas standing behind him. Good. He hadn’t heard him. Only Mom was aware of his spirit guide’s identity, and he wanted to keep it that way. Silas had one, too, but the vision quest had been just to humor Mom when they were kids. After all it was her side of the family that traced to the Nez Perce.

“So, do you want to trade or not?” Silas asked him again.

He shook the past clear of his brain. Silas knew he hated

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Wyatt peered into the holding pen, and the black leopard mare chose that moment to hold his gaze with her own. He drew in a startled gasp. She was a ghost that had stepped right out of his past This tells me that this was a real horse at one time that Wyatt had when he was a kid or something. But it's not, right? It seems the more pertinent part of this is that the horse this horse, up to this point, existed only in the spirit world. That would be a much better hook, I'd think. This feels a bit cliched to me (the "from his past" bit).. He shivered and felt goose bumps spread over his arms Not sure you need shivered and goosebumps. A little redundant. I'd go for goosebumps over shivered.. “Black Rain,” he whispered.

He shot a quick You could safely cut "quick"--glances usually are glance at Silas standing behind him. Good. He hadn’t heard him. Only Mom was aware of his spirit guide’s identity, and he wanted to keep it that way. Silas had one, too, but the vision quest had been just to humor Mom when they were kids So... does he still think it's full of crap? I'm unclear of the extent of his experience with the horse. Is this what makes him believe in his mom, or has he already been believing in his mom? Reworking this line could make this clear, and provide a better hook, IMO. After all it was her side of the family that traced to the Nez Perce.

“So, do you want to trade or not?” Silas asked him again.

He shook the past clear of his brain A little cliche. Also, not necessary--he's already pulled himself out when he shot a glance at Silas, in my opinion. Silas knew he hated

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I'll have to give some thought about making Wyatt's beliefs about his mom stronger, though I do bring that out more later on. It's not really the strong point of the story but more a vehicle to an end.

I largely agree with Annepin here. I think the hook could be clarified a little and information needs to given to the reader as it's needed.

If Black Rain had just been something to pacify his mother, would he react with the kind of shock you’ve described? My initial impression was that his reaction should be more puzzlement and disbelief. The goosebumps works fine, but the gasp seemed a little overdone. That may just be me.

The flow of information may be a little bit better if you shifted your starting point just slightly. One opening sentence framing the situation and then letting things flow would probably help the “trust” issues be less apparent.

I doesn’t sound like my kind of fiction, but I’ll give it a read-through if you’re not in a hurry for a response.

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 04, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 04, 2008).]

Just like every Saturday morning, Wyatt inspected the sale horses he’d be leading through the auction. He stopped to examine a black leopard mare in the nearest holding pen when she chose that moment to capture his gaze with her own. His arms tightened with goose bumps. Deep in her eyes was something he hadn’t seen in years.