posted
Hopefully I'm understanding the 13 lines rule correctly!
I started this story while deployed in Iraq. It will be in 3 parts, and right now I'm about 1/3 of the way through part 2. I would love feedback on part 1 though.
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It has been my unfortunate experience that after the fourth solid punch to the face, your teeth start to feel more than just a little loose. If you’re lucky enough to still be able to think at this point, or your eyes haven’t swollen shut just yet, this would be a good time to duck, run, or maybe go on a vacation. You could try fighting back, but trust me, if you haven’t by now, you should just resign yourself to the beating you’re receiving and look forward to waking up with a headache. Soon you and the floor will be on the best of terms, and upon when you come to I wouldn’t expect to have any money left in your pockets. That’s what always happens to me at least, but who knows; there may be those luckier than me, even amongst those who are getting punched in the face.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by drmfreek (edited August 01, 2008).]
posted
Hi, I like the idea of a wizard who can't defend himself, it has humor potential. Here are some suggestions to make it flow, or read more clearly. (This is my first attempt at constructive criticism for someone who actually asked for it!) I haven't figured out how to get the fancy quotes in to edit them.
"If you’re lucky enough to still be able to think at this point, or your eyes haven’t swollen shut just yet, this would be a good time to duck, run, or maybe go on a vacation." Would be improved by changing to "If you're lucky enough to still be conscious and your eyes aren't swollen shut . . ."
"Soon you and the floor will be on the best of terms, and upon when you come to I wouldn’t expect to have any money left in your pockets." Reads better if changed to "Soon you and the floor will be on the best of terms and you will come to with no money in your pockets."
posted
Thanks mary, I am very guilty of an addiction to commas.
The short beginning there is a bit of a prologue, which then leads into a look back to how the character got to this point. He is a wizard yes, but this first glance has him very down on his luck indeed. How he got there is really the whole point of the story.
I liked the tone of the piece (as marywillow said, it has the potential to be quite funny). The only thing I would change is 'and upon when you come to' - it's awkward and clunky. Maybe 'and upon coming to / coming round' , or 'and when you wake up'?
I see why marywillow suggested some shortened versions of sentences (your prose can be a tad 'wordy'), but I think her suggestions were too drastic - some of your style was lost. My advice is try to find single words here and there that you could safely lose (e.g. the 'just' in 'or your eyes haven’t swollen shut just yet' - perhaps even the 'yet'), and restructure a sentence or two so that you vary sentence length.
Otherwise fine, I'd read on . Hope this helped, Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 03, 2008).]
posted
I hate to say it, and maybe I'm way off base, but it sounds so much like a rough draft for a Dresden Files novel by Jim Butcher. Harry Dresden is a wizard for hire in modern day Chicago. Now there's nothing wrong with running with the same idea as that of an established author, but Harry is always getting beat up and the story is first person with Harry telling the story. I sincerely hope your wizard for hire is something different than one that's already in popular fantasy.
I hope I haven't burst your bubble, and good luck with your story.
Sorry, have to agree with Crystal. It sounds like a page from Jim Butcher's Dresden Files. Might be difficult to pull this off, given the similarities.
Other than that major point, your writing is engaging. I would turn the page.
posted
Dresden Files was certainly an inspiration for the story, I'm not trying to trick anyone. It was certainly not my intention to make it appear so! This work is not something I plan on publishing for profit. I have tried to step away from making a glorified fan fiction, though. There are certain things that occur in 99% of all fantasy stories, and then there are things Butcher has in Dresden. I have always been a fan of 1st person with a noir feel, but I'd hope that having main characters that are wizards would be the end of the similarities, and I've worked to keep it as such.
Thanks for the feedback.
Oh, and the 'upon when you come to' was definitely a typo on my part. I changed the sentence and a remnant remained.
[This message has been edited by drmfreek (edited September 18, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by drmfreek (edited September 18, 2008).]
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. Hope this helped,
