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Arthur had just thrown a steak onto a smoking skillet when the phone rang. His excitement over the prospect of a fine lunch plummeted. Bill collectors. He'd scraped together enough cash this month to pay the phone bill. Mistake. Next month he'd buy paints instead. Leave me alone, he thought, groaning. The phone kept screaming. Fingernails scraping his eardrums. Arthur punched the Talk button. "Calling for blood now?" he demanded. "Arthur? It's me." Ah, God. Mom. He preferred the bill collectors. At least their intrusion was impersonal. "I tried to call a couple of times since New Year's," Mom said, "but I guess you weren't home." No, he probably had been.
*** Okay, so TheOnceandFutureMe's "Scarechild" inspired me. This is my first attempt at horror and my first attempt at flash. I'm freaked out about even posting it. Readers, anyone?
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited September 17, 2008).]
quote:had just thrown a steak onto a smoking skillet when the phone rang. His excitement over the prospect of a fine lunch plummeted. Bill collectors. He'd scraped together enough cash this month to pay the phone bill. Mistake.
He's short on cash but is cooking a steak? Irresponsible. Have him cooking macaroni and cheese instead. More believable.
quote:Next month he'd buy paints instead.
I have no idea what this is supposed to mean.
quote:Leave me alone, he thought, groaning.
Hmmmm, how about... Leave me alone, he groaned
quote:The phone kept screaming.
A phone screams?
quote: Fingernails scraping his eardrums.
Not sure about that. How about Like fingernails
quote:Arthur punched the Talk button. "Calling for blood now?" he demanded.
Drop he demanded
quote:"Arthur? It's me." Ah, God. Mom.
Italicise Oh, God. Mom.
Intriguing, although I don't know what it is about at this point.
I'll agree with Snapper's comments and expand upon one point in particular...there's no hint at the moment as to where this flash is going to go and there isn't a particular "atmosphere" to make us think it's going to be anything but the story of an ordinary day. Throw in something askew in the opening 13 or open the story at a different point.
One of the reasons that I think TheOnceandFutureMe's flash piece worked as a hook was because the opening 13 gave a hint of tension. He built up a good horror atmosphere in very few words.
I hope this helps...I wish I had the skills to tackle flash fiction.
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