posted
Today I received my first submission response, a friendly form rejection. After reading the response, I felt silly for not posting the first lines of that, or any, short story for review. So, here is the opening to a related story, urban fantasy less than 1,000 words long. If you want to read more, let me know that I may send you the complete story.
----- Gregg shifted in the well-polished wooden seat across from an official half his age.
"Operator Gregg, this is your second official warning. I see you refused to explain yourself during the first warning. At the time, we knew only that you were creating an inconvenience for drivers by changing the light for individual vehicles. We have since determined your actions are not random; you change the light to red whenever you see a red vehicle. Now that we have identified your pattern, would you care to explain your actions, for the record?"
Gregg kept his eyes low. "Hm? What record?"
The official, whose name Gregg had already forgotten, dropped his head into his hands. These officials knew nothing of
posted
Hi There, I'd be happy to read the rest. Some intitial thoughts on your 13:
I like the first line. It immediately raises the tension.
The second line confused me. I mean I had to read it a couple of times to figure out waht was going on- and I am still not certain that I have it. It may have made more sense if it had been told to Gregg as a series of infractions, rather than a lecture. Not sure though, send me the rest. I can read and respond by week's end.
Firstly, send it through and I'll do my best to have a look at the whole thing within a reasonable time frame.
My initial thoughts on the first line is that it could be sharpened a bit.
Other than that, there wasn't anything "wrong" with it from my perspective, but it didn't particularly grab me either. Part of that may be personal preference as it seemed to promise something frivolous (and for many readers, that's a great promise). I wasn't hooked, but others may be.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 02, 2008).]
posted
The first line didn't grab me. He's shifting in his seat. Maybe he could do something with more action and tension to it, like squirm or hunker. Also, that the seat is well-polished and wooden are nice details for later, but I would leave them out of the first sentence. For me, those words diminish the pop.
I had to read the second paragraph a couple of times to understand what was going on. The first sentence is good. Then it might help to cut to the point, that he's changing stoplights.
I like Gregg's reaction -- "What record?" -- like he doesn't even hear the official at all. Having him forget the name is a nice touch. The official's reaction of putting his head in his hands struck me as a little melodramatic.
posted
Congrats on that first rejection. Isn't it odd that it felt good to get it? You did however post these 13 lines once before (I remember it). This is amusing and don't let it bother you if anyone say they couldn't get the second paragraph. Here is an equation in written comedy that you need to remember.
quote:A joke is twice as funny when only half of the people get it.
However, that first line is not needed. It starts off better without it. Good luck and happy writing!
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