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This is my latest. I wanted to finish in time for Q4 but I missed the deadline. I likely won't be able to check back in for a at least a few days and maybe a week, but I would be interested in comments on the intro as well as any dedicated critters for the entire piece. Thanks in advance.
Dresuela squinted through the radiating air, scouring the orange dessert for her child. Why must her little one be so different? She wasted valuable time keeping up with little Dijin. He was a standoff—always separate from the other children who kept pace with the foragers, just out of range to potentially spook off the kendrels they sought. Yet they were never out of sight as was Dijin , now barely visible, digging alone in the obsidian-flecked burnt orange sand. She glanced over shoulder to see if Kenju noticed her dallying son, but the group was easing over the ridge. The brilliant sun glinted off the ripples of his golden corded back. Reluctantly, Dresuela abandoned her kendrel hole just as she felt the skittering vibrations below. She would be
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Hey, Bent Tree, it's good to have you back. I hope things are going well for you.
But you wanted comments on this piece. I think it's one of your best and can't really find anything to fault. The only thing that bugged me was the use of the boy's name Dijin. At first I thought you were describing the lad instead of stating his name. I thought you were calling the boy a djinn, more commonly known as a genie. Other than that, I'd love to turn the page and read the whole thing .
Desert is what you walk thorough and get sunburnt.
Dijin. A Djinn is a word meaning genie, something that lives in the desert. Your name is very similar and I read it as Djinn first. I would consider changing it unless you are looking for a relationship between the two words.
Dresuela squinted through the radiating (radiating? In my mind heat radiates which in turn causes the air (or objects seen through it) to 'shimmer'--there's a better word but I can't find it) air, scouring the orange dessert(see above) for her child. Why must her little one be so different? She wasted valuable time keeping up with little Dijin (see above). He was a standoff—always separate from the other children who kept pace with the foragers, just out of range to potentially spook off the kendrels they sought (Your comma use in this sentence needs re-visiting--I think you need an additional one). Yet they were never out of sight as was Dijin (no space), now barely visible, digging alone in the obsidian-flecked burnt orange sand. She glanced over shoulder to see if Kenju noticed her dallying son, but the group was easing over the ridge. The brilliant sun glinted off the ripples of his golden corded (muscles?)back. Reluctantly, Dresuela abandoned her kendrel(what is a Kendrel) hole just as she felt the skittering vibrations below. She would be
There is one sentence where the structure confuses me.
1) He was a standoff—always separate from the other children who kept pace with the foragers, just out of range to potentially spook off the kendrels they sought.
Try:
He was a standoff. The other children kept pace with the foragers, staying just far enough away to avoid spooking the kendrels, but Dijin was never with them.
or something like it.
Otherwise is has a nice tone, Dijin is begining to sound interesting. I would read on.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 05, 2008).]
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Good start. The main things that confused me have already been mentioned: dessert/desert and the use of the name Djinn. You do a good job of establishing the setting. I'm interested to know what a kendrel is. You do use the word "little" twice in two sentences, and I think you're missing a "her" in "over shoulder."
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Dresuela squinted through the radiating air, scouring the orange dessert Yummy! Orange sorbet?for her child. Why must her little one be so different? She wasted valuable time keeping up with little Dijin. He was a standoff I’m not familiar with this word used in this context. A standoff, as a noun, is a draw.—always separate from the other children who kept pace with the foragers, just out of range to potentially spook off the kendrels they sought This last phrase is a little confusiong. The other children are just out of range to potentially spook off…? Out of range of what? The kendrels’ senses? I think this could be reworded to make it clearer and more concise. Maybe “just far back enough to avoid spooking the kendrels the hunters sought.”. Yet they were never out of sight as was Dijin , now barely visible, digging alone in the obsidian-flecked burnt orange sand Lots of adjectives here--makes the sentence unwieldy and weighted toward the end.. She glanced over shoulder to see if Kenju noticed her dallying son, but the group was easing over the ridge. The brilliant sun glinted off the ripples of his golden corded back. Is this Kenju or Dijin? Feels like it should be Kenju because that’s the last thing she sees, but her reaction seems to indicate it’s Dijin. Reluctantly, Dresuela abandoned her kendrel hole just as she felt the skittering vibrations below. She would be
Nice to hear from you again! Glad to see you’re still writing. Over all, this hooked me. I like that you drop in “Kendrel” but in a way that’s clear enough for us to have a sense of what they are. I would read on to find out a) what happens to Dijin and what his deal is, b) what these kendrels are, c) Why she’s living in a hole, and a kendrel hole at that, and d) what the skittering vibrations mean.
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12000 words, eh? That helps explain where you've been. Good for you.
The opening here has lots of vivid descriptions. This I like. However, by the end of the third sentence, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I'm sure "kendrel" will be made clear and things fall into place, but up front, all the names felt like too much at once.
Yet the setting and the mother's concern draw me in. I'll look at the rest if you'd like.
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I feel like when the Title is withheld im being lied to as a reader, your setting up a hook based on something the character would already know, so I should know it too...
LoL Just kidding
I enjoyed the opening sentences, I wasn't overly hooked by anything in the writing, but more by the writing itself. You seem to set up a believable and interesting world. good job
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Oh, I forgot to say, I'd be happy to read. That offer goes for anything you've got going on. No need to ask--just send it whenever.
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posted
My main problem in this one was the name, as another critter mentioned, it is too close to Djinn and took me out of the story for a moment as I've been reading some of Ian McDonalds shorts lately and wondered if this was a similar type of world.
Other minor quibbles--I'd have preferred you to mention the child's name in that first sentence, it just seems more natural telling us his name and then in the next sentence mentioning that it is her son.
The repetition of "little" in the second and third sentences was noticable, maybe just have it in the second sentence and then in the third "...keeping up with Dijin" would be fine as we already know he is little.
Yet they were never out of sight as was Dijin , now barely visible This just sounded strange to me. So does Dijin never stray out of sight, seeing as he is still visible? If so then that "yet" isn't needed. Or, if he does sometimes stray out of sight, maybe it might be better having him out of sight in this scene.
just out of range to potentially spook off the kendrels they sought probably just me, but I stumbled on this one. I'm thinking they are staying out of range so they won't interfere with the kendrels...the "potentially" just throws me as it suggests they still interfere with the kendrels. Anyway, maybe "...just out of range so as not to spook off the kendrels..." might be better?
As for whether I would read on: I think I would. I don't see any major "hook" but I see enough of an intriguing world to make me want to give the story a few more pages to see where it was headed.
Hey pal, how are you? I am such a bad friend. I got a get well card I just refound in my truck. I forgot to send it. Oh well, I'll guess it will go to Skadder when he gets his next rejection.
Now about your 13. I have a few problems with it.
1) It's an info-dump.
2) I'm not sure if Diijn is lost in vat of a orange sherbert or a color-coated wasteland.
3) Too many weird names and terms. Dresuela, kendrels, Diijn, Kenju, kendrel hole.
Dresuela sounds like a vampire, Diijn like a genie, and Kenju sounds like Johnny Quest's Indian friend that could levitate (yeah, he was pretty cool) I'm not saying you need to eliminate all those names but you could ease up a bit at introducing them. I also suggest you add some dialog to soften that info dump. Maybe something like.
quote:Dresuela squinted through the radiating air, scouring the orange desert for her child. "Diijin! Time to come in!" Why must her little one be so different?
And if they're non-human, show us that.
quote:Dresuela blue cat-like ears twitched as she squinted through the radiating air, scouring the orange dessert for her child. "Diijn!" Why must her little one be so different?
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