I waited at my bedroom window for the storm to build above the fields of wheat. Swathes of swaying green stalks stretched to the distant horizon where they seemed to touch the swirling blue-black clouds. Within moments the skies darkened and the rain began, drumming on the old farmhouse’s tin roof. Then came the wind.
Dad said it took all three, wind, rain, and dark skies for the Ever-Wheat to react. The fields rippled, like a massive gust of wind struck at them. The articulated stalks of the Ever-Wheat folded, shortening and strengthening themselves, ready to withstand the storm’s fury. It amazed me each time I saw it.
“It’s cool isn’t it, Jodie?”
I jumped at the sound of my Dad’s voice. I thought he was in the poly-tunnels or his make-do research lab, working on The Idea--as he called it.

Revised:

I waited at my bedroom window for the storm to build above the fields of Ever-Wheat. Swathes of swaying green stalks stretched to the distant horizon where they touched the swirling blue-black clouds. Within moments the skies darkened and the rain began, drumming on the old farmhouse’s tin roof, then the wind picked up.
Dad said it took all three, wind, rain, and dark skies for the Ever-Wheat to react. The fields rippled, like a massive gust of wind struck them. The articulated stalks of the Ever-Wheat folded, shortening and strengthening themselves, ready to withstand the storm’s fury. It amazed me each time I saw it.
“It’s cool isn’t it, Jodie?”
I jumped at the sound of my Dad’s voice. I thought he was in the poly-tunnels or his make-do research lab, working on The Idea--as he called it.

Revised (2):

Dad said it took either strong wind or heavy rain for the Ever-Wheat to react. I watched from my bedroom window as storm clouds built above the fields of swaying green stalks. Within moments the skies darkened and the rain began, drumming on the old farmhouse’s tin roof, then the wind picked up.
The fields changed, like a mexican wave passed through them; the articulated stalks of the Ever-Wheat folded--shortening and strengthening themselves--ready to withstand the storm’s fury. It amazed me each time I saw it.
“It’s clever, isn’t it, Jodie?”
I jumped at the sound of my Dad’s voice. I thought he was in the poly-tunnels or his make-do research lab, working on The Idea--as he called it.

Not sure about this one. A few points:

* I'm not sure it adds anything, starting with just 'wheat' and then revealing 'Ever-Wheat' later on - it might prove more of a hook, opening with '... to build above the fields of Ever-Wheat'. Just a thought.
* I know there's an agricultural connotation to 'swathes', but I still can't help but think 'bandage' when I see it.
* '... where they seemed to touch the blue-black clouds' - hmm. If you're going to go with it, why not just go all the way? '... to the distant horizon where they touched the blue-black clouds' / 'and touched', etc. As it stands, the 'seemed to' is almost apologetic, somehow. Conceding.
* 'Then came the wind.' - this seemed a little overly dramatic to me: weather, black clouds, wheatstalks... and then came the wind. Though it didn't do anything in particular. Why is it separated so?
* 'poly-tunnels' - small nit, but I can't think what they are, exactly. I get the image of plastic tubes underground.

Most of this is minor, but I do think it would really help, starting straight off with 'Ever-Wheat'.

Oh, before I forget, you may get looks from a lot of World of Warcraft fans if you call this 'Emerald Dreams'.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

One comment - if it takes all three, wind, rain, and dark skies for the Ever-Wheat to react, and I'm assuming the point of the wheat is it's indestructibility - then this wheat wouldn't necessarily be safe from straight line winds or tornadoes. I guess it wouldn't withstand flooding either. Just an FYI since I'm not really sure where you are going with it.

This is just one facet of the Ever-Wheat. It will grow under a foot of water, too.

This was a sketch I did of the idea:

Dad invented Ever-Wheat. It was his idea and GenCorp ran with it—he was the best scientist they had, so they trusted him. He tore apart a wild wheat’s genome and spliced in segments from other species, re-sequencing entire stretches of DNA himself as he birthed the new species.
Dad called it Mutant-Wheat. When rain, wind or dark storm clouds approached, the wheat fold in the fields, righting its crush-resistant stems only when the danger had passed. It had an unparalleled resistance to disease and could grow under a foot of water. Very little good weather was needed to get a good yield.
Within two years it was feeding billions in the developing world, resisting disasters of all kinds, but when Dad asked

I take your point about the wind metaphor, Monstewer, not a great idea when wind is a key ingredient in the actual action.

I didn't know of the world of Warcraft title. I don't want an association like that. Perhaps i will use my original title, 'Verdant Dreams'.

Yup, it would be better if it reacted to any of the stimuli rather than just the combination. The story isn't about the wheat though, I just invented it to establish Dad as geneticist--a good one. He is gonna create something even better.

I liked it. Even thought it starts with a description, it isn't static or overly purple.

I might take "Dad said it took all three: wind, rain and dark skies, for the Ever-Wheat to react" and make it the first line. It lets me know why the MC cares that it's raining over the field.

The only thing that threw me out of the story was "It's cool, isn't it, Jodie?" It just didn't sound like "parent" language. It's odd that it bothers me since I say "cool" around my kids and get rolled eyes in response. Sigh.

Although, if the "Idea" is the bigger part of the story, I'd rather spend less time with the Ever-Wheat. Right now I'm assuming the two ideas/items link at some point. If not, you might want to scale back a bit on the Ever-Wheat description.

This -
The fields rippled, like a massive gust of wind struck them. The articulated stalks of the Ever-Wheat folded, shortening and strengthening themselves, ready to withstand the storm’s fury. . .

seemed a bit redundant. IMHO, pick one image. I think the second sentance is better because it tells me something "new." All wheat ripples when the wind rushes through it but the Ever-Wheat changes length and width. Very neat.

Darn - missed the question. To answer the question, I'd read on. So for me it's enough. There are at least three hooks for me. (1) strong writing, descriptive but not purple prose; (2) Ever-Wheat; and (3) the Idea.

I think you had the right idea with your first version. I really liked that first paragraph. I could visualize the rolling hills of wheat beneath a dark sky. Your voice in that one set a good solemn mood.
Changing fields of wheat to fields of Ever-Wheat makes it, too clinical and the piece loses some of that mood.
The problem I have is the next paragraph. I prefer you built on that majestic setting. I could feel your MC soaking in something bigger than herself. But the first sentence of that second paragraph...

quote:

---

Dad said it took all three, wind, rain, and dark skies for the Ever-Wheat to react.

---

robbed every bit of emotional setting you were building up. It's the only part that is an info-dump but it sticks out like a picker-weed in the middle of a flower bed. Maybe it's because of that Dad said. Maybe it's subliminal, but hearing that has a way of taking away any emotional wind out of my sail. The end of that sentence is what I liked the least Ever-Wheat to react. I think you could use the voice you established to dress this up. Something like...

quote:

---

It took all three, wind, rain, and angry skies, to make the fields of Ever-Wheat to come alive.

---

Okay, not great, but I think you may know what I'm getting at.

What comes next? ^_^