Look down on the thread to see the new opening.

EDIT: I am now completely done writing and am looking for readers and feedback on the whole story.

[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited September 18, 2008).]

I think someone--me--ought to tell you that your title says "New writer." At some time or another we all have the idea of making something ordinary into something special, as a story.

Few people want to read about ordinary people. We want to know what makes them special.

In your first 13 I'd like something specific to hook me. What is the product. Tell me, and I'll decide if it's special anough to spend--precious--time reading about. Tell me it's a secret and I'll move on to the next story, I'm afraid.

And what's with the rain? Why's it special?

Please consider a more specific start to your story that hooks us into an understanding of why the ordinary salesman and his special product are worth reading about.

My story is more actually about the salesman and his product being extraordinary, but to him it is not extraordinary. Almost immediately after the first 13 you can see that, but I won't divulge any more. The title is a pun of what is to come, making fun of what all too often happens in the genre of science fiction and fantasy.

Those questions you asked are precisely the questions I meant for you to ask. That is part of the reason I envision it being so short. I do not want to string people on for more than 5 pages. You already know what the Product does, isn't that enough of a hook to find out what the Product is?

I don't know what the product does, all I know is what the salesman promises it achieves. And the promise is unbelievable. I need something to help me willingly suspend my disbelief if I'm to read on.

Also, there needs to be a plot. Finding out what the product is, isn't enough reason to read on; if that's all there is, this is a speculative essay, not a story.

This story has a plot. Just because you don't know exactly what is going to happen from the first 13 lines doesn't mean there is not a plot. I am a huge advocate for non-formula science fiction. Most of what I read in terms of short stories is not go here, do that, save the girl, and become a hero sci fi. That being said, I am taking your comments into account. I may change a different section to be the beginning. I wonder if you might want to read the different section with more action that I'm considering. I don't want to post it here yet, because it is definitely going in the story.

I stopped and looked at the rain. I hadn't done this before. What power did the rain have this time to cause me to do such an extraordinary thing? Ok, this person is crazy, or having a moment of self-reflection.

All my life I rush from place to place, hurrying to go to the next business to sell my product.Confusion just kicked me out of the story. Now we are in present tense, where we were just in past tense before.

"And what is your product?" you might ask.Whoa, 2nd person now? It's really hard to stay in a narrative with all this tense and POV switching, but at least it sounds like we're about to get the point explained to us (what the character is doing and why)

I might reply "That, my friend, is a secret known only to few, those few who truly understand." Or maybe "The telling would spoil the surprise."This is where I stop caring. You just promised the reader a plot, a point, a reason, then you jerked it away.

Anyway, I stopped and looked at the rain.If you took out the "Anyway,", this would actually be a better starting point for your story

I smiled and said to myself "You've hit it big, you've really hit it big." I have made a visit to every business in Town that might take an interest in my Product. I come to them saying something like "Sir, how would you like to increase production, decrease costs, decrease advertisement expenses, ...all for $19.95?"

My suggestion is to firmly plant the reader in a POV, introduce a character, and tell us what the deal(conflict, problem, idea) is. Whatever he's selling might be the point but, by telling me that I don't get to know, you're withholding crucial info and rendering your 1st thirteen plotless, because now its just a guy looking at the rain.

I haven't been around here for that long either (a month or two), but I have a huge amount of respect for TaleSpinner's ability to nail exactly what doesn't work in the first 13. In my opinion both Alliedfive and he have correctly identified significant problems in your first 13.

The POV changes were a problem for me, but the biggest issue that would cause me put the story back on the slush pile was the witholding of information. It's a cheap way of building tension and I'm frankly not that interested in reading five pages before I find out what the product is. For me it raises the suspicion that I'm going to recieve the "we're all living in a jar of tang!" trick ending lampooned in the turkey city lexicon.

Regards,

Nick

My take:

quote:

---

I stopped and looked at the rain. Why I hadn't done this before. What makes this rain different? If it's a key to a flash back, just tell me. If it's just stage dressing, down play this What power did the rain have this time to cause me to do such an extraordinary thing? Power? Extraordinary? Eh? Stopping to watch the rain isn't extraordinary, it might be unusual for him but not extraordinary, people do it all the time

All my life I rush from place to place, hurrying to go to the next business to sell my product. Hu? I don't follow the connection between the rain and this line of musing "And what is your product?" you might ask. I might reply "That, my friend, is a secret known only to few, those few who truly understand." Or maybe "The telling would spoil the surprise." Hu? You can tell me, I'm the reader after all and still looking for a way to connect the two thoughts

Anyway, I stopped and looked at the rain. you already told me this. You could start here and lose nothing

I smiled and said to myself <-- not necessary. Just italicize the thought. "You've hit it big, you've really hit it big."

I have made a visit to every business in Town A name would be better that might take an interest in my Product A name would be better even if it doesn't mean anything to me, yet .

I come to them is that how he thinks of potential customers or does he consider them "marks" saying something like "Sir, how would you like to increase production, decrease costs, decrease advertisement expenses, ...all for $19.95?" I really did like this line

---

Given your estimated size, the story's going to have to really move to finish in the word count. The problem with wanting Talespinner or any of the readers to ask the questions he's asking is you've lost him. TS wouldn't read on. Give us a hint about what the Product is or does to nudge us.

I'd be willing to read it all and give comments. I'll be trapped on a plane for 4 hours tomorrow so reading material is welcome.

On the morning of September 17, you wake up to a nice sizzling sound and light from the window. You wonder if your spouse is making bacon for breakfast. You slowly get out of bed and look out the window. Dawn. You have the whole day ahead of you. You decide to go take a shower before going to eat breakfast. You step into the shower and turn on the water. You notice the smell of the bacon. It's different from normal. It must be a new brand. You wash and get out of the shower. As you dry off, skin begins to peel off of your body. You look at the clock. It says in blinking red lights: 1:15 am. Damn.

It has long been a policy of mine not to request stories by e-mail unless something in the title or the first 13 appeals to me. (And if I receive stories unsolicited, they're deleted unread.)

The second version is in second person, and there are several discussions elsewhere on Hatrack about how difficult this POV is to handle. Suffice to say, I stopped reading (and started skimming) when it mentioned my spouse, thinking, "I don't have one--thankfully." When you tell me things about me that aren't true, or that I wouldn't wish to be true, willing suspension of disbelief becomes hard. Had you referred to a blonde maid instead of a spouse ...

That said, this start is a little better because it has a hook, the apparent disconnect between dawn and 1.15 am. However, I have a vague feeling that the narrator is unreliable, so if it had been third person I might have read on but cautiously. (And, can you smell bacon in the shower?)

Hope this helps,
Pat

As noted (sigh, always a bit too late) 2nd person is a big risk. You're almost forcing the reader to identify with the POV and it doesn't take much to stop them rebelling against that. It's also a fairly mundane situation at this point, though the disquiet brought about by the 1.15am change is a nice promise that something is askew. However, things would have to start moving pretty quickly for me.

Nick