I like the "What the heck" sense at the end of the first 13. The second version is too static for me - just two "guys" sitting around a train yard.

The numbers and details in 2 were distracting.

Shouldn't it be: he trod, though?

Although I think the period of the end of the first sentence here should be turned into a comma.

quote:

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His pulse quickened and again he stepped aside, but again the train adjusted, closing in. The tracks materializing at his feet wherever he moved.

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Version 3 is a nice start and an effective hook. Well done.

I'd agree that having "as if" three times in the opening 13 is a bit too much. It's a slightly unusual construction, so it does stand out when you use it three times in such close succession.

There's a bit of vagueness in the opening too...I realise the protag doesn't know exactly what's going on, but I felt a little bit lost too. He knows what he's doing there (even if he doesn't know the source of the hum), so it feels strange that we don't know why he's following the hum.

I'd cut the "as if aiming for him" (if it can follow him after he's jumped off the rails, it's implied that it's aiming for him). I'd also cut one of the instances of the protag looking down and seeing the tracks shift. You've shown the train following him, you only need to explain how it does this once for the scene to work.

Hope this helps,

regards,

quote:

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Kaz, what if I change it to "the tracks materialized at his feet..." instead of "materializing" would that work better?

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I like version 4, it seems to do everything you need it to do from my viewpoint. Don't re-write too much and lose your voice.

I'd probably choose to write it a different way, but it's not my story. You can't please everyone and I think it's fine as an opening 13. It doesn't seem to choppy to me; certainly not so choppy that it would dissuade me from reading further.