REVISED VERSION BELOW--3rd Person Version.

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From my desk, I stared out at the lunar landscape as I waited.

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Cut those first three words, or you may want to rearrange it.

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Coloured highlights and layers of factual data flowed across the pockmarked lunar surface.

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You really need to consider learning to spell wrong and get rid of those british 'u's. The flowing of data across the lunar surface is a head scratcher. Is it moving across the window like a ticker tape?

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Chroma-grain in the desk's surface flickered into life and JULIE smiled up at me.

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Also confusing, is the android built into the desk or is it a reflexion?

Could he glance at the blank, windowless wall and see the lunar landscape streaming by in the digital background?

Or is the landscape projected on a wall screen?

EDIT: Oh. There's a window looking out, and the digital feed is the overlaid data. Yes?

Maybe The chroma-grain ?

Otherwise I like this. Interesting technology and ordinary relationship tension are both "hooky".

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EDIT: Oh. There's a window looking out, and the digital feed is the overlaid data. Yes?

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Correct. The sensors in the transparent dome walls monitor his eye movements and enhance his view to make it more interesting, as well as providing factual data.

It is obviously a bit confusing.

'From my desk, I stared out at the lunar landscape as I waited' - it's not a bad opening line... I dunno. I'd be tempted to switch the details around, and start with the highlights and data flowing across the lunar surface, and then work in the desk and the waiting afterwards. Otherwise, what are you opening on? Person, on moon, staring [metaphorically] out of a window.

'responsive sensors slaved to my eyes' - I found this confusing; 'slaved to my eyes' is a little ambiguous.

'My uncle wouldn’t be long; he never missed an opportunity to gloat' - it gets more interesting, now. You know, I'm tempted to suggest cutting the lunar view entirely and starting here instead. You'd need to insert the word 'desk' into the 'hard teak' bit somewhere (and possibly change 'desk's surface' later on to something else) I suppose, but it could work. I guess my problem is, I don't see what the current opening paragraph adds to the story (other than guy is on moon (which you could easily work in with a word or two further down), and he has weird topographic camera-vision for some reason).

'Chroma-grain in the desk's surface' - 'Chroma-grain' as a plural? Mmm, not sure about that. I'd suggest either 'Chroma-grains in the desk's...' or 'The chroma-grain in the desk's...'. That said, I had no trouble with the concept itself.

As I say, I am interested, but only from after the first paragraph, and I think the lunar vision thing could do with a little clearing up (if you don't scrap it).

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You really need to consider learning to spell wrong and get rid of those british 'u's.

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Cut those first three words, or you may want to rearrange it.

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Hope this helped,
Daniel.

I didn't feel confused. I got and liked the slaved sensors and the chroma-grain. (In fact, I'd rather feel confused by a narrator who doesn't talk down to me, than patronised by one who does.)

"as I waited" I think it would be natural to complete the sentence with "for my uncle", or some such. He knows what he's waiting for and it feels a little like witholding, though not much because we find out soon enough.

"responsive sensors slaved to my eyes gifted a kind of digital beauty" I hesitated over "responsive" because I think sensors are, by definition, responsive. It took a moment to realize that "responsive" referred to being slaved to the movement of his eyes. Also, I thought that "gifted" was an odd word choice--not wrong, just odd; maybe it's a taste thing.

I wondered why Julie appears once in caps, once normal.

I like the casual mention of "tri-vis", we know exactly what it is.

The scene is well drawn, for me, but not quite enough to pull me in. I might read on, but cautiously, for I'd really like to know--quite quickly--what's bothering them.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Daniel

Dust on the window sill reflected the evening sun.

Isn't that the same as 'Chroma-grain on the the desk's surface...'?

Wood has a grain structure and is referred to as grain. Perhaps you thought I was refering to particles (grains of something), which this is not. It is more of a technical stucture grown within the tree (genetically manipulated).

Talespinner.

JULIE is the technical name of the android and I thought if I caps'd it, it would be clearer. Obviously when the guy speaks he can't speak in caps.

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Wood has a grain structure and is referred to as grain. Perhaps you thought I was refering to particles (grains of something), which this is not. It is more of a technical stucture grown within the tree (genetically manipulated).

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I did indeed think it was 'grains of something' (see below), but it still has to be THE grain here. You couldn't say 'I looked at grain of the wood' or 'Grain in the wood gave it a nice texture' - you have to use 'the grain', and hence it has to be THE Chroma-grain [in the wood].

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Dust on the window sill reflected the evening sun.

Isn't that the same as 'Chroma-grain in the the desk's surface...'?

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No. In linguistic terms, dust is a layer (a singular object) - a group of particles, not a lone one (you can't say 'the ornament was covered in dusts', unless you mean several kinds of dust), which is why it can stand on its own. The 'The' is implicit. Grain, unfortunately, can be plural (give the horse some grain, etc) as well as singular (a grain of sand). Unless you clarify it as either grain singular (a grain / the wood grain, etc) or grain plural, it is ambiguous.

Thanks for the explaination. Your logic does sound right to me and I will correct it.

Out of interest, I know you are studying at university, but are you studying liguistics or english? Your analysis was very comprehensive. To be honest, I just wrote it the way it came out of my brain (ambiguosly, I agree), but since I knew what I meant it made sense to me.

Thanks for the help.

Sitting at his desk, Jeff stared through the transparent walls of Arizona Dome and waited. The dome's walls digitally enhanced the stark monochrome lunar view with an eden-like beauty. Trees swayed in a virtual breeze; deer grazed on virtual grass on the banks of a digital stream that cut through the barren and airless Yardin Crater.
Jeff hardly noticed. His fingers drummed a rhythm of their own on the hard teak. The call would come soon.
The chroma-grain of the desk's surface flickered into life and image of JULIE smiled up at him.
"Your uncle, Mr. Martin Andrews, is here to see you, sir," the android said, her blue eyes twinkling.
My uncle? He must have got wind of LunaDroids demise.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 03, 2008).]

One nit and an aside.

Nit: I think he'd know that Martin A is his uncle, and I guess JULIE would know that too, so surely she'd just announce "Mr. Martin Andrews is here ..."? (Unless he knows two Martin Andrews's of course.)

Aside: I took "chroma-grain" as a vague play on Kodachrome, the 35mm slide film--which, too, has a "grain" because it's coated with photo-sensitive particles. There's a nice double-play on film grain and wood grain ... for those of us who can remember pre-digital imaging technology.

*chucks magnum*

It's just a little nit pic, but do you think it's wise to start this piece with an -ing word? I'm not the greatest critique there is, but I can't help but think this intro could be done just a hair better. JMHO

Ha, technically I'm studying English, so I've probably set myself up for a fall by using the phrase 'in linguistic terms'. But, on the other hand, there's a lot of crossover - you can't study English without studying Linguistics to some degree.

That's my excuse, anyway .

'but since I knew what I meant it made sense to me' - a trap I often fall into myself.

As for the third person revision:
- It almost feels like you've done it just so you can legitimately include the description of the digital scenery; if Jeff 'hardly noticed it', you can't really describe it in the 1st person.
- I preferred 'My uncle wouldn’t be long; he never missed an opportunity to gloat' to 'The call would come soon'; the revision seems a bit deliberate. You could just change it to 'his' for 3rd person.
- I like the addition of 'Yardin Crater'. It gives the area a sense of 'place'.
- [just a question, this one] Has the image out of the 'window' changed? In the first version, I had visions of factual data streaming across the view - I don't know, rock densities and compositions, topographic overlays, that kind of thing. It wasn't always the idyll that's there now, was it? I can't decide which I prefer - I suppose it depends on what kind of facility the place is. If it's a residential comlpex, then the fake scenery works best; if it's a moon base or something, the technical data might be more apt.

Either way, I'd still read on, but I think I prefer the original - the revision lacks the sense of anticipation that the original had (for me, at least).

I liked the third-person version. Streams of factual data and no scenery is boring. I want flavor because in that environment, one might expect a dry technical setting. It captures my interest simply by deviating pleasantly from something that might be expected otherwise.

Good changes all around. I agree with Bluephoenix about "The call would come soon" by keeping the original. If you say "his" call it is sort of confusing when paired with the sentence before it. Starts with "his" but refers to the MC. Doesn't work with the call.

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Magnum is a chocolate coated ice-cream over here.

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I like the third person better. It has more life to it, though I can't quite pinpoint why.

Nevertheless, the opening seems a little convoluted to me. He's waiting for a phone call, but it's not his uncle's phone call--it's someone else's, right? Therefore he's taken aback by his uncle's phone call. It seemed almost like a sleight of hand trick or something. I'd like a hint of what the _other_ phone call, the one he's expecting, was about. Because then he'd have two problems on his hand, rather than just one.

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My uncle? He must have got wind of LunaDroids demise.

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The hook here is miled. I'm not entirely sure I would turn the page. A lot hinges on the LunaDroids, but I don't know enough about them, or Jeff, to really care what happens yet. So far it feels a bit generic.

Oh, and twinkling blue eyes is cliched. But maybe that's the point?

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited October 07, 2008).]

I didn't have any issues with the way Julie announced the uncle's call. But then, after 10 years, our receptionist still says "It's your sister, Christine," when she calls and I only have one sister. The MC may have more than one Uncle so the name would be necessary. I also didn't mind the "blue eyes twinkling" because while it's cliche, it's something I'd expect an android to be fitted with for that very reason.

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Sitting at his desk, Jeff stared through the transparent walls of Arizona Dome and waited Waited for what? . The dome's I'll assume the walls are part of the dome already walls digitally enhanced the stark monochrome lunar view with an eden-like beauty. The word order seemed strange - Why not, "the digitally enhanced walls overlayed the monochrone lunar view with an eden-like beauty"? Trees swayed in a virtual breeze; deer grazed on virtual the repetition of "virtual" is probably not necessary grass on the banks of a digital stream. IMHO this part of the sentance can be cut because I already know it's a barren, monochrome lunar view that cut through the barren and airless Yardin Crater.
Jeff hardly noticed So why is he telling me? You might consider cutting that line because the next shows me what he thinks of the landscape. . His fingers drummed a rhythm of their own on the hard teak. The call would come soon. some hint about whether this is an anticipated or dreaded call might be nice
The chroma-grain of the desk's surface flickered into life and image of JULIE smiled up at him.
"Your uncle, Mr. Martin Andrews, is here to see you, sir," the android said, her blue eyes twinkling.
My uncle? He must have got wind of LunaDroids demise so, this isn't the call he's been waiting for? Also, I'd like a hint about whether this is a good or bad call. I assume bad because of the word "demise" but I'd hope that the next line would give me some indication on which way the conversation is likely to go .

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Even with the NITS, I'd read on.