posted
ok, heres my first go at this. comments on the first thirteen greatly appreciated.
Dannin felt for the smooth hexagonal ring in his pocket. He nervously flipped it, tracing his fingers around its intriguing edges. The familiar shape seemed to have a calming effect on him, like a worry stone. He felt compelled to explore its shape again, eventhough he knew the flat ring as well as his own body. Some people twirled their hair, some bit fingernails, but for Dannin, it was this curious object that he had found months ago. More than a habit, however, it had become a compulsion, part of his stability.
posted
I think you're quite a bit short of 13 lines there. Anyway, here were my thoughts on what you have:
He nervously flipped it, tracing his fingers around its intriguing edges. "Intriguing edges" means nothing to me. Why are they so intriguing? What is so different about them? What do they feel like?
The familiar shape seemed to have a calming effect on him "Seemed to"? As we started with Dannin, I (maybe hastily) presumed we were in his POV, but now this "seemed to" has come up, I'm wondering what POV we are in.
He felt compelled to explore its shape again, eventhough he knew the flat ring as well as his own body He's calming down, so why does he need to explore its shape again? And missing a space in "eventhough".
And those are the only nits I had. I don't see any clear hook at the moment, but seeing as you're short of the 13, I suppose that's only natural
Good luck with it and congrats on taking the leap
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited October 10, 2008).]
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