She cracked her eyes, letting the light invade her dreams. Blinking away her slumber, Sophie stretched languidly. She nudged an ancient bloodhound at her feet. His gruff response was unintelligible for he still slept. She replied,

“Good morning, Chester. Wake up and let’s get some food.”

Sophie yawned and stepped off the front porch. She turned
slightly when she heard a voice inside the house. Cody was awake, too. She wagged her stubby tail and began to lick herself.

Dawn broke quietly (adverbs are a no-no, find another way of saying what you mean.) over the hills, waking the earth out of its pious reverie (a little purple). A glass (glass or glass-like?) lake shimmered with delight (purple)as the wind followed the morning heat(I was still in the dawn, which I don't associate with heat). The breeze, as gentle and caring as a mother’s touch (purple), rustled Sophie’s dark German (how do you know? Perhaps she had Venezuelan hair! Does it speak?) hair. The front porch where she lay was soaking (soaked) sunbeams (purple) into its wooden frame.
She cracked (cracked? like an egg? that must have hurt!)her eyes, letting the light invade her dreams (is she sleeping or awake) . Blinking away her slumber, Sophie stretched languidly (adverb). She nudged an (her?) ancient bloodhound at her feet. His gruff response was unintelligible for he still slept (but she can understand dog language normally?). She replied, (this should be on the same line as the dialogue)

“Good morning, Chester. Wake up and let’s get some food.” Dialogue feels unnatural)

Sophie yawned and stepped off the front porch (so she stood and then stepped off). She turned
slightly (adverb) when she heard a voice inside the house. Cody was awake, too. She wagged her stubby tail and began to lick herself. (So she IS a dog. This is not clear enough at the begining. It is not a hook to withhold the MC's species. You should have been up front in establishing that Sophie was a dog really early

That said there is no hook as I see no conflict or sense of where the story may go. There are no unanswered questions. Your intro is too purple. Simpler is generally better. Choose verbs that are clearer. 'Cracking your eyes' is not an image I would associate with opening eyes that were encrusted with a night's worth of gunk.

That said you can turn a phrase. Tone down the purple, poetic bits and use sparingly and where appropriate.

Adam

I guess I have more questions than agreement. Not that you're wrong, I love criticism. Why are adverbs a no-no? Is that more "telling" than anything? That's all I got from that. Sometimes I feel like I can't avoid them.

Would it be better to say, "She cracked her eyelids open..."? I've seen the verb used before in that context with published authors and it made sense to me. Maybe I just went about it all wrong.

The part where "she nudged an ancient bloodhound at her feet", are you saying I should say HER bloodhound? Because what if it isn't? Even if she was a person and there was no dog twist, she could be laying on a porch with a bloodhound that she does not exactly have ownership of. Is that little fact really going to ruin the hook? I'm asking honestly, not challenging your opinion. I really do appreciate your comments, thank you! I'm just bein' a little difficult

Oh! One more little thing...would you really change the word "soaking" to "soaked"? I'm not getting that. Or do you mean you would change the sentence so the word "sunbeam" was gone and soaked makes more sense? I personally think it works either way but I suppose if any reader interprets it like that I should take a closer look at it.

Thanks again!

I have to second Skadder's comments. When you have purple prose, it's much more about the author saying "look how smart I am" than trying to set a scene. The descriptions are so thick they've become distracting from the story. Darn near every noun has a adverb or descriptive clause. For example I was wondering what "German hair" was and not about your MC.

Show me she's a dog upfront. If I'm the kind of reader that likes stories from an animals POV, which generally I am, you'll have my interest for a few more lines. If I'm not, I'm going to be annoyed, feel tricked and put the story down when it's clear she's a dog.

Nothing is happening yet. The dog on the porch wakes up, stretches and licks herself. There's nothing to catch my interest. Try starting the story a bit later. What happens next? Surely something that the story is based on.

My take:

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Dawn broke quietly can it break noisily? Lose the adverb over the hills, waking the earth out of its pious reverie "pious reverie" is a good example of going purple. First, what the heck does that mean? Second, it's too much, too over the top . A glass really, it's glass? Since I don't know the genre, I'm going to take adverbs like this literally lake shimmered with delight Try to stop giving everything human "feelings" as the wind followed the morning heat. The breeze, as gentle and caring as a mother’s touch not every noun needs an adverb or descriptive clause , rustled Sophie’s dark German hair What's German hair? If you wanted to show me she's not human, you could probably say "Sophie's coat" and be more effective. The front porch where she lay was soaking sunbeams how is she "soaking in sunbeams" if the sun is just rising? into its wooden frame.
She cracked her eyes, letting the light invade her dreams. Blinking away her slumber you already told me she just woke up , Sophie stretched languidly the dreaded adverb strikes again! . She nudged an ancient bloodhound at her feet. His gruff response was unintelligible for he still slept. "For he still slept" is a bit awkward She replied "said" might work better ,

“Good morning, Chester. Wake up and let’s get some food.” this sounds unnatural

Sophie yawned and stepped off the front porch. She turned
slightly just slightly? Again, telling me "her ears pricked up" would do a lot more to show me she's a nonhuman and do better at catching my interest when she heard a voice Since she recognizes it, you can just tell me it's Cody's voice and thier relationship - Ex: Her boy, Cody's voice inside the house. Cody was awake, too. She wagged her stubby tail and began to lick herself TMI .

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Strive for clarity and clean lines. If you move forward to the action and tone down the descriptions a bit, this could be very nice. Don't let the desire to overdescribe get in the way of the story. I have the opposite problem. I write mostly dialog and have to have people say, "ahm, a bit of description would be nice." See, we all have writing gliches we need to work on? Don't give up.

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Not sure what the bit about purple has to do with it all...that's just me I'm sure. Too much metaphoric description, I suppose.

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Purple prose see link: http://tinyurl.com/4mftc7

But it basically means prose that is overdone.

quote:

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Why are adverbs a no-no? Is that more "telling" than anything? That's all I got from that. Sometimes I feel like I can't avoid them.

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Pick up a copy of Strunk and White's 'The Elements of Style'. If you have it, then I apologize. The idea is that an adverb weakens a verb. Your prose will improve if you can avoid them--I still use them, but I try not to. Unless yo make a concerted effort to not use them your prose will become littered with them. The odd one is OK. If you can get the same effect without the adverb it is usually better and more evocative as you have selected a stronger verb or have structured the prose better.

Dawn broke slowly over the land...

Dawn crept across the land...

He swung his sword swiftly...

His sword was blur as it swept

Avoidance of adverbs is generally (not just me) considered to be a key point in improving prose. It does create a headache for the writer--but it gets easier with time. When I have finished a story I usually (as with most people on Hatrack) do a search on the document for words ending in -ly and the try to iradicate them all. I usually leave the odd one.

Metaphor is good.

quote:

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Would it be better to say, "She cracked her eyelids open..."? I've seen the verb used before in that context with published authors and it made sense to me. Maybe I just went about it all wrong.

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Your choice. I don't like the verb 'cracked' as you have used it. It seems more active than just opening her eyes, almost like she reaches out and cracks them. Certainly I would recommend the change from cracking eyes to cracking eyelids. It's less gory!

quote:

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The part where "she nudged an ancient bloodhound at her feet", are you saying I should say HER bloodhound? Because what if it isn't? Even if she was a person and there was no dog twist, she could be laying on a porch with a bloodhound that she does not exactly have ownership of. Is that little fact really going to ruin the hook? I'm asking honestly, not challenging your opinion. I really do appreciate your comments, thank you! I'm just bein' a little difficult

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I critted as I read it. The point about I made about her bloodhound was because I assumed she was human and so had a relationship with the bloodhound. I had to radically revise my image of what was going on when I discovered she was dog too. If this is written from her perspective (which it is) wouldn't she think of the bloodhound by the name she later uses? e.g.

>She nudged an ancient bloodhound at her feet.

>Chester lay at her feet, and she nudged the ancient...

Just an example, but it is an opportunity to name the beast as it is introduced. Generally, your 'twist' would be called witholding. Readers will assume an MC called Sophie will be human--if it is not the case, you should inform them as soon as you can. (Read OSC--'Characters and Viewpoint').

The intro is your chance to draw a reader in and describe the situation creating the hook, but you will annoy them if you mislead them (at this stage). Readers don't want to have revise the mental image you have built in there heads--it pushes them out of the story and comes across as poor writing. If it isn't poor writing, then it's a bit like the author thumbing their nose at the reader and saying, "Look, I tricked you." Obviously, tricking the reader is something we often do, but we do it later, and we give them (retrospectively, of course) the sense they had a chance to spot it, but didn't. And by that time we have built a relationship with the reader and they are more accepting of the trick.

quote:

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Oh! One more little thing...would you really change the word "soaking" to "soaked"? I'm not getting that. Or do you mean you would change the sentence so the word "sunbeam" was gone and soaked makes more sense? I personally think it works either way but I suppose if any reader interprets it like that I should take a closer look at it.

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In 'The Elements of Style' (I think) the rule of brevity is emphasized. I am paraphrasing-- Use fewer words, where possible, to get the same image into someones's head and your story will read better. Why say was soaking when soaked will do the same job quicker. You may argue that was soaking creates a more immediate, present feel in the readers mind--it doesn't.

Other words I search and destroy, where possible, when a story is completed are:

was
had
-ing

There are more, but probably others will add to the list.

Feel free to challenge my opinion, and you should write the way you want to. My dislike of your use of 'crack her eyes' is my opinion, the rest is general writing advice that I received and is considered effective in making your prose improve.

Certainly editors don't like adverbs. After reading The Elements of Style, I made changes based on the info in there--removed all the adverbs, etc.--and made my first fiction sale.

Happy to answer and more questions--even if you want to be difficult! Taking crits can be hard.

I'm going to take all of that into heavy consideration and come back with a different product. Now that those things are all pointed out and I re-read it, it makes total sense. I don't like where it was headed and it made much more sense as I wrote it (time and commitment to the words) than when I read it with a critical eye (quick and A.D.D.)

I was going to clarify why I thought your 13 lines lacked a hook.

Hooks can be created by your style of writing alone. In my opinion this is one of the hardest ways to create a hook (on its own). The writing itself has to be done so cleverly that people engage with the 'voice' you establish. This is usually something only very experienced writers can do and novices can't. As prose improves, your 'voice' will improve and will certainly add to your total hook.

Hooks can be created by the characters you create. If your create an interesting character people will read on to find out what your characters opinions and thoughts are. Often this will require elements of a good 'voice' to make it work successfully.

Hooks can be created by the world you create. If you give people a glimpse of a world that they want to know more about, you have created a hook.

Hooks can be created by the situation you describe. This is the most common. You introduce someone (MC) and something interesting/exciting happens. Some sort of conflict, perhaps. It doesn't need to be the main hook/conflict of your story, but it needs to be enough to pull them through until your next hook catches them.

Items can create hooks. Interesting technology or magical powers etc. can create hooks.

Unanswered questions create hooks, as long as they don't smack of withholding.

This is not an exhaustive list, I am sure I have left stuff out--it is mostly my opinion.

The reality is that writers try to use aspects of most of the above when creating a hook. Your story lacked a hook for a few few reasons.

1) The purple prose wasted space that you could have used more effectively, and added nothing. It also pushed your stories hook out rather than sinking it deeper.
2) Your character is not particularly interesting apart from being a 'talking' (in the sense we can hear her) dog. Any hook value you may have got from her you lost by 'tricking' me. However she is just a dog so far. She hasn't thought anything or said anything that shows off her character.
3)The situation is very everyday. Nothing has happened that is interesting. there is no hint of conflict.
4)The world seems to be the world of everyday--nothing there then.
5)No interesting items have popped up yet.

In your intro, let's say Sophie (already awake) begins chewing on a bone she dug up yesterday, bu the bone seems to vibrate as she chews it...why? A shaman's bone, a aliens bone? How will it affect Sophie (who we care about, because you showed her being cute and playful)? That would be a hook.

Also regarding the waking cliche, her is a link to something called the Turkey City Lexicon, and it is full things to avoid:

Sorry, I got all pedantic about it.

quote:

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The terminology of ADD expired with the revision of the most current version of the DSM. Consequently, ADHD is the current nomenclature used to describe the disorder as one distinct disorder which can manifest itself as being a primary deficit resulting in hyperactivity/impulsivity (ADHD, predominately hyperactive-impulsive type) or inattention (ADHD predominately inattentive type) or both (ADHD combined type).

DSM-IV criteria

I. Either A or B:

A. Six or more of the following symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months to a point that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

1. Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
2. Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
3. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
4. Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
5. Often has trouble organizing activities.
6. Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
7. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
8. Is often easily distracted.
9. Often forgetful in daily activities.

B. Six or more of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

* Hyperactivity:

1. Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.
2. Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.
3. Often runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may feel very restless).
4. Often has trouble playing or enjoying leisure activities quietly.
5. Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".
6. Often talks excessively.

* Impulsiveness:

1. Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.
2. Often has trouble waiting one's turn.
3. Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).

II. Some symptoms that cause impairment were present before age 7 years.

III. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g. at school/work and at home).

IV. There must be clear evidence of significant impairment in social, school, or work functioning.

V. The symptoms do not happen only during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder. The symptoms are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g. Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).

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[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 07, 2008).]

Also, I got confused here: "...a voice inside the house. Cody was awake, too. She wagged her stubby tail..." Is Cody a dog or a person speaking? Or is Sophie a dog, too?

OK, so I read the rest of the critiques above, and Sophie is a dog. Hmm.

I doubt I can add anything much to this thread (skadder's given you a whole load of good advice), but for the hell of it, here are my notes:

'Dawn broke quietly [aaah, adverbs. Techically, I think we're supposed to eliminate them without exception, to the point where the damn things have almost earned themselves taboo status. I think that's silly; I must admit, I do still use them, but very sparingly (ha). I wouldn't open your piece with one, though - they ARE weak words] over the hills, waking the earth out of its pious reverie [yuck. 'Pious reverie' is, ironically, a little pretentious for me]. A glass [glassy or glass-like] lake shimmered [glass does not shimmer. Glass is smooth and flat; shimmering implies vibration and movement. If, by 'glass(y)' you mean 'clear', find another adjective] with delight [you seem to be personifying the landscape for some reason. It's an almost Teletubbysish opening - I keep expecting the sun to arc giggling into the sky. I'm not a great fan of water that shimmers with delight at the passing wind] as the wind followed the morning heat [not sure what that actually means. Followed the morning heat - the sun presumably; is it going away from the sun (west)?]. The breeze, as gentle and caring as a mother’s touch, [that's terribly cliché] rustled Sophie’s dark German hair [is she actually German? Because I don't think German people are as... flowery as this]. The front porch where she lay was soaking sunbeams into its wooden frame [arguably, the sunbeams soak into the wooden frame (the wood does not soak sun into itself). It implies that the wood is actively absorbing the sunlight, when it's the sun that's the active party here].

She cracked her eyes [ouch, sounds painful], letting the light invade her dreams [being able to open your eyes consciously while you're still asleep and dreaming is quite impressive]. Blinking away her slumber, Sophie stretched languidly [I'm not happy with the use of 'languidly' here - she seems to be making an effort, getting herself up, etc. I don't get a sense of her being languid about it. Do you just mean 'stretched slowly', or 'tiredly' or something? Languid is not a synonym for these]. She nudged an ancient bloodhound at her feet. His gruff response was unintelligible for he still slept [I think someone already asked the 'what, so she speaks Dog?' question]. She replied,

“Good morning, Chester. Wake up and let’s get some food.”

Sophie yawned and stepped off the front porch [she hasn't actually stood up yet, you know - she was stil lying on the porch, last we knew; all she's done is stretch]. She turned
slightly when she heard a voice inside the house. Cody was awake, too. She wagged her stubby tail and began to lick herself. [the dog thing only makes sense now]'

You have saved it with the last line - I am interested because your main character is a dog, which I wasn't expecting, but I'm not so keen on the description beforehand. It'd also be nice to see one or two subtle hints in the opening about her being a dog, to create a kind of 'oh yeeaah' effect when you reveal her canine... ness.

To be honest, I think all it is is de-purpling your prose a little, and reworking the cliché of 'sun rises over pretty hills and lakes, and main character wakes up in the sunshine'.

Hope this helped,
Daniel .

jump in with the plot! The scenery is beautiful, but unless it's organic to a compelling story (i.e. problem being dealt with) it means nothing, and doesn't give us a reason to read on. Good luck trimming this down.