Catherine gripped the railing of the Aspiranto. Mathis stood by her side as they watched the parting of the clouds.

She raised the telescope to her eye; touches of blue were beginning to break through with the red. And below this swirling sky the island waited, the branches of the riyas trees bending under the breeze which carried the Aspiranto.

Catherine snapped the telescope back. “Ready the men.”

Two boats were all that were waiting. On the first sighting of an island in this dark world there had been seven boats to take the men. And there had been laughter and cheers. They knew better now. The Destirur had caught them unawares last time and

Catherine gripped the railing of the Aspiranto. Mathis stood by her side (I think you could have said how he stood next to her; it would added to the detail and made the placement firmer.)her side as they watched the parting of the clouds.

She raised the telescope to her eye(the last three sentences start with either Cathersin, Mathis, She--vary sentence structure); touches of blue were beginning to break through with the red. And below this swirling(swirling twice in a small bit of text. Try another adjective.) sky the island waited, the branches of the riyas trees bending under the breeze which carried the Aspiranto(I am not certain because of the clouds as to whether she is seeing the island or imagining it below the clouds. I am fairly confused as to if they are in the air or on the sea. It may just be me but if I am flying through the air, then I need to know this (clearly) before you begin painting the picture of the sunrise--it's more important.).

Catherine snapped the telescope back (back? 'Back' seems weird--snapped it shut or closed--Do you mean on of those old-fashioned telescopes that gets longer and shorter? You may be referring to some lens cover, I am not certain). “Ready the men.”

Two boats were all that were waiting(There were more before? Perhaps you should swap the two parts and have the present situation at the end. E.g. She glances down noting there are only two boats). On the first sighting of an island in this dark world there had been seven boats to take the men. And there had been laughter and cheers. They knew better now. The Destirur had caught them unawares last time and Catherine snapped the telescope back. “Ready the men.”

I must say that this didn't hook me for a few reasons.

The sky confused me, I couldn't quite picture it. There was I felt an over emphasis on visual imagery, but without other sensations it felt flat (apart from 'gripping'). I would like to know if the rail was cold, if the wind touched her, how he was standing, if the telescope was heavy, if the boats had something worth knowing about them. Just a detail. e.g.

Catherine snapped the telescope shut.

“Ready the men.”

When an island was sighted through the perpetual gloom there used to be seven boats to take the men--and there was laughter and cheers.

Last time, they were caught unawares by The Destirur.

Now they knew better, but only two boats clanked against Aspiranto's old hull.

Your last line feels a little passive.

You have a mild hook at the end.

Generally, I’d agree with what Skadder has to say; there’s a lot of description for not quite enough payoff. If you must go with a description-loaded first thirteen, I’d suggest something a little more ominous. Without the hook of the last line, there’s little sense of mood from the description. When I’ve seen description-heavy openings, they’ve always worked because they set a strong atmosphere from the get-go.

As such, I’d suggest cutting the first line (it runs perilously close to purple prose and doesn’t really establish mood) and giving us a clearer picture of what is happening (I’d assumed the Aspiranto was a boat, but upon reading Skadder’s post, I can see that there’s ambiguity).

It’s also a very visual opening. In my opinion, descriptions around sea-craft work best when a few of the other senses are involved. Anyway, I’d get to the hook quicker and save the description for later in the story.

I’m happy to read if you’re not in a hurry…I’m waiting to see if Bent Tree sends through his story and since his is so large (and I’ve currently got another story to review) you might have to wait a bit.

Regards,