posted
This is the first draft of a sci-fi piece I've been working on--about 6,000 words, in all. Comments on the 1st 13 would be welcome; offers to crit the whole piece will be met with rapture.
Revised version posted below.
quote: When Remy first saw Clarisse Penard, he was lost for words. It was a his first day in the Ancient Literature stream and he was there under duress.
It's an opportunity, his councilor told him; after all, how often did an athletics prime get to experience life in an academic stream? Which was all well and good, but when that opportunity came right after an uncomfortable interview with the Principal about the incident with the classics student and the dumpster, it was hard to see it as anything other than cruel and unusual punishment.
The class was almost full when he walked in, with just one seat left on the far side of the semi-circle of chairs arranged around the instructor's station. The hum of conversation went
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited October 27, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2008).]
posted
Clarisse Penard: I like this name; she *has* to be gorgeous.
he was lost for words: I know what you mean, but the pat phrase is 'at a loss for words', so it is a little distracting.
If you want to make room for some zinger in the first 13, here are some ideas for could tightening this up a bit:
Which was all well and good[a throw-away phrase, covered by 'but'],
The class was almost full[implied by 'with just one seat left'] when he walked in, with just one seat left on the far side of the semi-circle of chairs arranged around the instructor's station. The hum of conversation went up a notch <as he entered>[could drop since he's already entered] and <began to make>[made] his way <over> to the vacant place.
posted
When Remy first saw Clarisse Penard, he was lost for words. It was a his first day in the Ancient Literature stream and he was there under duress. I think you need something stronger for the first sentence than a well-worn cliche like "lost for words". Also, if Clarisse is going to be important to the story I think you might need to keep the focus on her rather than jumping to the Ancient Literature stream, or better yet, introduce both together, something like "Remy first saw Clarisse Penard in the Ancient Literature stream..." Also you have an extra "a" in there before "his first day"
I'd agree with Wouldbe about where you could tighten this opening. As it is, I see little hook here--some guy met a girl in an Ancient Literature stream and there's no hint of why that might be important, and the whole middle paragraph doesn't seem to serve much to the opening other than slow it down and take the focus away from what is actually happening--for now, I'd be happy just to know he's there under duress and you can fill the rest in later.
I'd be glad to read the rest if you want to send it over.
posted
Thanks for the fine suggestions. I've grabbed the ones that trim enough fat to get my hook into the 1st 13. Still mulling over the rest. Here's my second shot at it:
[Edit] Newer version posted below.
quote: When Remy first saw Clarisse Penard, he was dumbstruck. It was his first day in the Ancient Literature stream and he was there under duress.
It's an opportunity, his councilor told him; after all, how often did an athletics prime get to experience life in an academic stream? But when that opportunity came right after an uncomfortable interview with the Principal about the incident with the classics student and the dumpster, it was hard to see it as anything other than cruel and unusual punishment.
The hum of conversation went up a notch as he entered the classroom and began to make his way over to the last remaining seat on the far side of the instructor's station. About a half way there, his peripheral vision picked up something flying
The revised version is on its way, Martin. Thanks for reading.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited October 28, 2008).]
posted
For my two cents I think you should cut out those first two sentences and place them later in the piece. The opening reads a lot smoother without them.
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The hook is pretty mild and I'd question whether the story is starting in the right place...there's two quick jumps in the opening 13. I like Snapper's suggestion of removing the opening two lines to somewhere later in the piece.
Depending on timing, I might be able to critique. Email me and let me know your schedule.
posted
Minor tweaks that help the flow. With Snapper and Nick adding their voices to the emerging “too jumpy” consensus, it looks as if I may well need to re-write the intro. I'm a gonna sit on it for a while first though.
quote: When Remy first saw Clarisse Penard, he was dumbstruck. It was day one of the Ancient Literature class and he was there under duress. His councilor had told him to treat it as an opportunity; after all, how often did an athletics prime get to experience life in an academic stream? But when that opportunity came right after an uncomfortable interview with the Principal about the incident with the classics student and the dumpster, it was hard to see it as anything other than cruel and unusual punishment.
The hum of conversation went up a notch as he entered the classroom and began to make his way over to the last remaining seat on the far side of the instructor's station. About a half way there, his peripheral vision picked up something flying
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 28, 2008).]
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