After all, time is everything in this line of work – oft, and all-too-easily, cut short.

She turned to the far exit, an archway at the end of the room; into the silence had crept a sound: the click-clack of sandled feet. A moment, and there came a person – a thin, ceremonial creature, appearing like a wraith in the archway. It paused, bent double under the weight of office, and fixed Sandy with a look.

* * *

Heya, hope you liked. There are a couple of things that I added to this just before posting - should I keep them, or go back to the original [see below]?

'... After all, time is everything in this line of work.

Into the silence crept a sound: the click-clack of sandled feet...'

* 'She turned to the far exit, an archway at the end of the room' - that bit wasn't in the original, and so neither was the 'had' in 'Into the silence had crept a sound'.
* 'oft, and all-too-easily, cut short' wasn't there originally either.

Couple of other things:

* I'd considered deleting the whole 'After all,' line altogether - yes/no?
* I worried about my use of 'ceremonial' - any complaints on that score?

Otherwise, does it hook you, would you read on, etc? Hope everyone who's doing it is getting on well with NaNoWriMo this year .

Thanks for reading,
Daniel.

To your questions:

"'She turned to the far exit, an archway at the end of the room' - that bit wasn't in the original, and so neither was the 'had' in 'Into the silence had crept a sound"

I'd revert to the first version, because it's the sound that made her turn, presumably. "Into the silence crept a sound" is a great line and the stuff around diminishes it.

I'd keep the "After all" line because it introduces a sense of foreboding; I'd match tense and POV with the rest, so "time was everything in her line of work ..." I would not include it if it's something she doesn't alraedy know, for then it would be a narrator's observation and those I find annoying.

The "ceremonial creature" is interesting and doesn't bother me, but the "weight of office" seems an unnecessary puzzle--if it's a medallion, for example, why not something like "bent double by its heavy medallion of office" (and your prose is better than that, so not that exactly).

And a nit or two--do sandals click and clack? I think their sound is softer than that, unless they have wooden soles. Also, I'd not think of sandflies as "wicked"--accursed, maybe.

Heya, thanks for the comments.

'Dry air': I was trying to create a sense of thirst (and breathing dry air when you've got a throat like sandpaper is painful). I suppose I could change it to 'parched air', and/or revert to the original 'dry air and cracked lips'.
I think I'll go back to my original in the case of 'Into the silence [had] crept a sound', so that eliminates the 'she turned' problem.
The 'After all' was meant to be an aside from Sandy herself (though it's still not quite right), so I've no problem with it having its own tone and familiarity.
'Priest' was exactly what I was hoping for when I wrote 'ceremonial', so that's good.

Thanks again .

To Pat:

Hey Pat, thanks for reading - glad you liked . Lol, 'tis not a horror story (I don't like them either), but it will have a little gore in it from time to time.

I think you're right about 'Into the silence crept' - I'd liked that best originally, but then I thought 'I haven't actually clarified where Sandy is looking, nor that she turns to the sound, so how does she see him 'appearing like a wraith'?'. It was implied, but I worried not strongly enough. Maybe it was a case of over-thinking it.

Ach, that blasted 'time' line. I want an aside from Sandy herself, there - a thought direct from her, but it's still not quite working, somehow. It's definitely something she knows, though - she's been here many times before.

'weight of office' was meant to do two things at once (to work with 'ceremonial creature', reinforcing the idea of the priest in ceremonial garb, and to be metaphorical - bent double with the weight of his position; sagging under the pressure). Was it jarring to read, or something you only picked up in critique mode?

Ah, the sandals - I too thought about this, but I couldn't think of a better word. You know those things that Japanese people sometimes wear, like sandals but with one or more wooden blocks on the bottom (I think geishas and people who work in those sand gardens wear them)? They're kind of like those, but I didn't know what else to call them.

Thanks again .

Daniel.

I won't retread. One line that was distracting to me was:

After all, time is everything in this line of work – oft, and all-too-easily, cut short.

It was a lot of punctuation breaks for so short a sentence.

They're high to keep the girls' kimonos out of the mud. Or maybe you knew that.
http://www.japaneselifestyle.com.au/fashion/geta_clogs.html

Of course, calling them "geta" or "geta sandals" introduces a strange-to-Western-eyes word to the first 13, and whether that's a good idea or not I leave to your good taste and judgement.

Bending under the weight of office is so clever, so subtle, such a good idea, I completely missed it :-(

Thanks for the comment, glad you liked . Yeah, that sentence is really niggling at me. The only comma I can really remove is the one after all-too-easily, which doesn't make a huge amount of difference. I'll have to think of something else, I suspect.

To Pat:

Themmm's the onnesss - ty for the info! I'd only really seen them on Memoirs Of A Geisha, lol, so I didn't know what they were, exactly. Anyway, they're roughly what I had in my head, yes (though you're right, calling them geta-sandals might create an odd concept. Maybe I should just change them to cloggs or something ).

Thanks again,