I'm working on a short story and I wanted to get the first 13 down before moving on to finish the rest of the story. Any feedback is most welcome. Thanks,

Cheers, Will

“What do you mean she never got on the plane?” Thorburn asked, his knuckles white, as he gripped the phone. “Do you know how bloody hard it is to arrange a hurricane?” He wore a crimson velvet long coat with silver diamond-shaped buttons over a finely tailored charcoal Armani. “Yes. Fine. We’ll arrange it.”

The phone slammed down and Thorburn paused for breath before pressing the intercom. “Miss Durbin will you please place a call to Ran. Tell him we have a problem.” As he turned to watch some lightning playing across the dark sky beyond his office window his face was impassive.

The intercom squelched Miss Durbin’s reply “Yes Mr. Kee. Shall I have him meet you in the ritual room as usual?”

Thorburn rubbed his chin. “That will be fine. I shall meet him

Note from Kathleen: You have to start a new paragraph when you change from one speaker to another.

Thorburn asked, his knuckles white, as he gripped the phone Don't think you need that second comma.

He wore a crimson velvet long coat with silver diamond-shaped buttons over a finely tailored charcoal Armani. You have a nice hook and then pause and lose the effect by telling us what this guy is wearing. Made me stop and wonder what POV this is as well.

The phone slammed down Sounded strange. Why not "He slammed the phone down."?

As he turned to watch some lightning playing across the dark sky beyond his office window his face was impassive. "Some" is weak, show us what the lightning looks like, even if its only something like "a fork of lightning lit the dark sky" or something like that--"some" just sounds a bit lazy. Also, POV again.

The intercom squelched Miss Durbin’s reply "squelched" is a wet sucking sound, I don't think you mean that unless its a new kind of intercom.

Outside the lightning lit up the night sky like a billboard nice.

So, nice hook and I'd probably read on to see where you're going with it. Good luck!

Thanks for the feedback.

The second comma I'm not sure about myself actually. I originally only had the single comma, but then MS Word complained. I figured someone on here would come to the rescue on the correct use since I don't trust Word's interpretation.

I was meaning to use squelched as in the radio use of the word to give the impression that her reply sort of jumped to life but I see it will cause some confusion so will re-word that sentance for clarity. Maybe even go the opposite idea and have it crackle her reply to indicate a bit of old-fashioned tech.

I'll do some editing in regards to the other comments as well. I'll see if any others have any input before tweaking. Thanks again,

Cheers, Will

UPDATE: I had some time at lunch and finally have my laptop back from repairs so took a stab. Here is the latest edit incorporating the feedback. I'm not sure about the first sentance in terms of proper use of the quotes (which I changed from the first draft) and the second comma. Let me know if this is better.

“What do you mean ‘she never got on the plane’?” Thorburn asked, his knuckles white as he gripped the phone. “Do you know how bloody hard it is to arrange a hurricane?” Wincing, he held the phone away from his ear for a moment before responding. “Yes. Fine. We’ll arrange it.” He slammed the phone down and paused for a breath before stabbing at the intercom. “Miss Durbin will you please place a call to Ran. Tell him we have a problem.” As he turned to watch a flicker of lightning playing across the dark sky beyond his office window his face was impassive.

The intercom crackled Miss Durbin’s reply “Yes Mr. Kee. Shall I have him meet you in the ritual room as usual?”

Thorburn rubbed his chin. “That will be fine. I shall meet him

[This message has been edited by Monk (edited November 24, 2008).]

I'd offer to read but between NaNo and report cards my slate is full. If you still want readers in December, I'll be free then.
If you can wait you can send it to me whenever.

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't 100% sure how paragraphs counted or not in the first 13. I actually have a little space in the re-worded second draft that could work.

Hmm, so far 1 for the clothing description, 1 against .

Thanks for the offer to read. I will take you up on it when it is complete, so no rush. I'll see if you are available to take a look at it then. With packing for a move, and the holidays it may even be Jan.

"Hi," she said.

"Back at you," he said.

is two lines. What fits in the text is what is allowed. So for yours, when you put the normal spaces in, your 13 ends (KDW correct me if I'm wrong),is probably here: "The intercom squelched Miss Durbin’s reply."

Anyway,

My take:

quote:

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“What do you mean she never got on the plane?” Thorburn asked, his knuckles white, as he gripped the phone. Whose POV is this? Is he going to notice his white knuckles?

“Do you know how bloody hard it is to arrange a hurricane?” Nice

He wore a crimson velvet long coat with silver diamond-shaped buttons over a finely tailored charcoal Armani. Again, who is telling me this because: (1) it is telling and (2) isn't Thorburn's natural thought. He could interact with it, toss it on or something, if you want me to know about it but right now to me, it's an intrusion.

“Yes. Fine. We’ll arrange it.”

The phone slammed down and Thorburn paused for breath before pressing the intercom. IMHO, break this into two sentances and two pargraphs. Use the way the words lay on the page to help set pacing. If you do that, you don't have to tell me "he paused for breath" or have me wondering why all of the sudden he's out of breath. Also did the phone slam down of its own accord or was it slammed down? There's an important difference between the two

“Miss Durbin will you please place a call to Ran. a bit formal but it might work if the rest of the dialog is this formal or if he's always this formal with her Tell him we have a problem.”

As he turned to watch some lightning playing across the dark sky beyond his office window his face was impassive. two issuse here for me. "some lightning" is an odd usage and threw me out of the story - "the lightning" or a "shaft of lighting" might work better. The second - "his face was impassive." WHO is telling me this??? He's not looking at his face. If he's working to keep his expression calm/neutral or whatever, show me that, don't tell me "his face was impassive" because that means nothing

The intercom squelched Odd word choice, which threw me out. The normal sound is a "squawk." Miss Durbin’s reply , “Yes Mr. Kee. Shall I have him meet you in the ritual room as usual?”
Thorburn rubbed his chin. “That will be fine. I shall meet him there this evening.” the formal dialog is grating a bit since the initial dialog was so informal
Outside the lightning lit up the night sky like a billboard. Not sure this image works. It didn't for me because Billboards aren't usually that vibrant. Neon signs are though

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You have an interesting hook. Darn it. Just realized you'd revised this, although it doesn't change most of my comments. But, this line "Wincing, he held the phone away from his ear for a moment before responding." - is nice.

Thanks for the input kings_falcon. I'm still absorbing it.

With Miss Durbin the character is that formal with her since she is an employee and he is a bit haughty with her. His earlier dialogue is looser since he is not talking with an employee (the opposite in fact) and I'm hoping to show he isn't normally like that but the event starting the scene has made him angry and therefore pushed him out of his, normally cool, facade.

Okay, now the newb style question. The POV. I get that we should try to show, not tell, in our stories, but does that mean the narrator can never add external description to the scene? For example, describing his knuckles as being white to show that he is holding the phone a bit more tightly than he normally would? Or is it because there is a mix of 3P ltd. and omniscient?

Thanks again for the feedback!

-W.

If the POV looks at his knuckles and sees them turn white, the narrative can comment on it. But, in that example, he's more likely to notice the pain in his fingers from holding the phone too tightly and the sweaty grip. A POV that's watching him may see the white knuckles and then can naturally comment on it. What external details you use all depends on the perspective from which the story/scene is being told.

I have an MC that always notices eye color because hers is unusual. Every time she meets someone there's a mental note as to the eye color. That's fine because its important to her. Another character who is pretty haughty and self-centered doesn't notice clothing (unless he's hoping to get the woman out of it) much less eye color. If HE noticed eye color, and I'm in his head I'd most likley be violating his POV to tell the reader something. He doesn't care unless it helps him get something.

So, show me what's important or noticed by the character. So your MC's isn't likely to notice that his face is impassive or the clothes he's wearing. He's more likely to notice that he has to draw a calming breath or wipe the sweat from his palm on the robe.

Does that help?

Yes it does. When first reading your initial post I knew what I could do to fix it but after this one I have a better idea of why I would want to. Thanks.

-W.

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