posted
"Will I ever see you again?" The eight year old asked The temptation to lie was strong, but she didn't want her sisters last memory of her to be a lie. "No, probably not." "Why do you have to go?" "There's no choice, if he wants me no one can stop him." "I am the only one who will miss you." So her sister had caught onto the animosity of the others. Sheila forced her voice to be cheerful "Well, they don't like someone who dances better than them." Lira giggled "I will be a great dancer someday too" she said proudly As Sheila leaned forward to kiss her little sister she whispered sadly "Yes, someday you will."
[This message has been edited by tngcas (edited November 28, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by tngcas (edited November 28, 2008).]
posted
I don't have a title for this story yet and it isn't finished but I was trying to figure out how to catch the readers attention. My question is: Would you keep reading?
Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
I'm going to vote no, because I don't know who these people are, what they are doing, who the person is who wants her, or why I should care. Too vague to be interesting. Also, I would go ahead and use their names the first time they speak, you gain nothing by withholding that information and I atleast find it irritating. You might also want to cut back on the dialog and give some reasons and emotion to the characters.
Just my 1.5 cents worth, I'm sure others will have better ideas for you.
posted
I vouch for going at the story from a different angle. Goodbyes can be told later, but a more informational beginning is needed to interest a reader. Perhaps if you added a scene before where the main character is looking out the window, contemplating her situation, and be sure to answer some questions, like
Why is leaving important? Whats her parents feelings, or does she have any parents? If so, do they care? Why does the main character care whether she lies or not?
I'm not sure whether you answer these question in the rest of your story or not, but you have to have a hooker. You have a starter-"Will I ever see you again?"-now, explain this more. Build on it. Make me care if these two sisters ever see each other again.
posted
"Will I ever see you again?" The eight year old asked Say this is her sister right away, or use her name right away. The temptation to lie was strong, but she didn't want her sisters last memory of her to be a lie. "No, probably not." Okay, this is good characterization. Something like this will make me like your character. But I have no idea who "she" is yet. Use her name at the very least. "Why do you have to go?" Okay, at this point, I think you can delay the dialogue for a moment and give us some insight into the situation. I have no idea who, what, when they are. Place your characters in a setting. Right now they are just voices in the mist. "There's no choice, if he wants me no one can stop him." Who? I'm lost. Who wants to stop him, why? You have some mileage from the fact that they are young girls, and therefore sympathetic. However, that will only go so far. We need to know more of what's at stake, besides the fact that they aren't going to see each other again. "I am the only one who will miss you." Okay, now you've dislodged me. i probalby wouldn't read on. This sentence feels like a non sequitur, which is fine, given that they are kids, but I need more context. So her sister had caught onto the animosity of the others what others? Tribe? Colony? Space ship? Village? Nation? Not that you have to say, but with a little context we could guess, and be more grounded. Sheila forced her voice to be cheerful "Well, they don't like someone who dances better than them." Lira giggled "I will be a great dancer someday too" she said proudly As Sheila leaned forward to kiss her little sister she whispered sadly "Yes, someday you will."
It seems like the hook is the relationship between the two girls. That's a good one; however, the two girls are parting, so their relationship is obsolete, except in back story. So, I'm thinking the story is going to be about what's going to happen to Sheila. I'm not compelled to read on, because I don't know what's happening. Is she going off the dancing school? Being sent to an orphanage? Being sacrificed?
posted
Thanks, all very good points and I think I can see what you mean by the fact that obviously they aren't going to see each other again so maybe this part of the story isn't important enough to start with. I'll work on it.
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