posted
Hi all. Here's what I've been working on lately. I would like some comments and critiques on the first 13, as well as some people who would be willing to critique the whole story. Thanks for your help! ---- Matthew was performing routine maintenance on the Scheherazade's engine when a representative of the Connected Sorn entered engineering. It was accompanied by Captain Jamison, Chief of Security Jennings, and Amanda Harrison. The Sorn looked tiny next to these three, especially since it was about half the height of the tall, musclebound Jennings. The humans were arranged in a semi-circle around it. Amanda spoke to the other humans as if she were translating for the Sorn, though she never actually spoke it.
Matthew vaguely remembered a briefing sent to all the low-ranking crew about why they were in orbit around the Sorn's planet. They had landed a shuttle there because they detected life on it, but that life didn't respond to repeated hails.
posted
Hiyas////has a bit too much of a star trek feel/// did your translator not speak Soran or use telepathy? I'm wondering if that sentence is missing a word or two // Amanda spoke to the other humans as if she were translating for the Sorn, though she never actually spoke (to) it. ?? ////vaguely ? remembered? I would think a contact on a new world might stir up a little excitement///maintenance on the "Scheherazade's" engine ///ships name is a mouth-full/// consider your title///The Connected Sorn's Offer///what would happen if the story was from it's pov?///as it is it's a bit too star treky to really pull me into story///can you provide a twist really quickly at start to change it from a star trekky feel to something different? I probably wouldn't read on at this point unless something more engaging happened at the start hope this helps Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
It sounds good, I just think it needs a little more "otherness", so to speak, something that makes it read a little more like sci-fi/space adventure. Maybe a description of the Sorn, or something more about the mission, the planet, the spaceship, the hierarchy and the placement of the characters within it, basically anything. I like the name "Scheherazade" for a spaceship.
"The Sorn looked tiny next to these three"
the word "these" felt out of place to me
"though she never actually spoke it."
I think you may have left out the word "to" between spoke and it, unless I'm reading it wrong.
Hope this helps you out some. I'll be sure to check for the next revision.
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 27, 2009).]
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This feels dense. I had to work to get through the names thrown at me in quick succession and try to keep them straight. It also could use some tightening. How about: The Sorn was tiny, about half the height of the musclebound Jennings.
You tell me that Amanda appears to be speaking for the Sorn but it might work better to *show* me that.
Does it matter that the humans are in a semi-circle? Maybe that sentence could cut.
posted
Going to second Jennifer and Brant on this.
It was a bit difficult to read, due to the information being thrown out so quickly. Perhaps it would be better to ease in some of the things happening here.
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Honu, I do have some other related stories from the Connected Sorn's point of view. For this one, I wanted to follow Matthew around.
So making it Star Trekky is a bad thing? I admit that Star Trek is a big influence on my SF, but I'm trying to still be original.
Thanks also to Brant, Jennifer, and Gan for your comments. How's this? --- Matthew was performing routine maintenance on the Scheherazade's engine when a grey-hooded representative of the Connected Sorn entered engineering. It was accompanied by three humans talking politely while the Sorn stayed silent. It looked like a child in comparison to them, especially the tall Chief of Security. One of the humans, who Matthew recognized as Amanda, turned to the Captian and said ",the Connected Sorn would like to compliment you on your style of dress. They think your lack of ornamentation suits someone of your position."
Matthew vaguely remembered a briefing sent to all the low-ranking crew about why they were in orbit around the Sorn's planet. They had landed a shuttle there because they detected life on it, but that life didn't respond to repeated hails.
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It looks like this thread got buried under newer posts, so I'm making a post to try to bump it back up to the top. I'm still looking for critiques of the first 13 lines and people to read the whole story!
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2008
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Matthew was performing routine maintenance on the [Scheherazade's]--Yikes, In general I think it's better to make names easy enough to pronounce that they are not distracting. engine when a grey-hooded representative of the Connected Sorn entered engineering. [It was accompanied by three humans talking politely while the Sorn stayed silent. It looked like a child in comparison to them, especially the tall Chief of Security.]-This whole part could easily be boiled down. Something like: "It was silent, and small enough to look child-like next to the humans."[Could use a paragraph break here One of the humans, who Matthew recognized as Amanda, turned to the Captian and said "[,]move the comma outside the quotes, I think. the Connected Sorn would like to compliment you on your style of dress. They think your lack of ornamentation suits someone of your position."Hah, nice.
Matthew vaguely remembered a briefing sent to all the low-ranking crew about why they were in orbit around the Sorn's planet. They had landed a shuttle there because they detected life on it, but that life didn't respond to repeated hails.
Interesting. Not much really wrong with the writing, but I think you could reduce the whole thing down a lot and focus on the dialogue, weaving in your descriptions during or after. This might give you more room to dangle a hook. Right now there's no conflict or hint of conflict, or mystery, or really anything to motivate me to read on.
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What's wrong with "Scheherazade"? She's the storyteller of One Thousand and One Nights, so I assume choosing that name has some significance to the story.
The "It" that opens the second sentence threw me. So is a Sorn a robot that it should be deemed genderless?
"though she never actually spoke it." This "it" throws me too. Do you mean "never actually spoke to it" or "never actually spoke the language" ?
However, having a low-ranking crewman as the POV character, rather than the ship's captain or some science-genius, is refreshing.
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Just realized I commented on the earlier version. Sorry about that. I do like the new version better, though the opening paragraph introduces lots of characters at once. Not a big problem if it's handled right.
"One of the humans, who Matthew recognized as Amanda" -- This could probably be buffed up a bit. What's Amanda's position that qualifies her to be there? And why need to identify her as a human in the first place?
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Maybe I should explain the name Scheherazade, since it isn't explained anywhere in the story because Matthew doesn't care about it. It is a reference to the Thousand and One Nights. The Connected Sorn seem to act like Scheherazade for me. When one story ends, there's always another more exciting story for the next night. I've currently written 3 Connected Sorn stories, and I have ideas for about a dozen more. It's my current obsession.
This story is in 3rd person limited POV, following Matthew around. Do you think I should have him explain the name in this story, since so many people on here seem to have an issue with it? I can't really see Matthew caring whether the starship he's on is called the Scheherazade or the Big Hunk of Flying Metal. Perhaps another character could explain the reference to the CS?
And yes, the CS are essentially genderless. I make a big deal further down the page on how Matthew is trying but can't determine the CS rep's gender. Do you think some of that should be bumped up into the first 13?
[This message has been edited by alittleofeverything (edited February 10, 2009).]
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