posted
This is a short story I'm working on for a contest on another site. It's a suspence short story, so I'm out of my element. I need to know does this have a hook and how can I improve it? Any comments welcome, thanks.
-Revision below-
-second revision below_
Amelia stared into the cold water rushing over the rocks. Her sight blurred until the teardrops overflowed down her dirty cheeks. A cold wind blew cutting through her thin clothes, sending a shiver down her young body. She hardly noticed, hardly cared. Why were the other kids so cruel? They would pay someday. She glanced around to the woods. On occasion, she had caught a glimpse of him there, just for a second before he turned and disappeared into the dark woods. Most of the other children didn’t believe in him, or at least they said they didn’t, that he was just a dumb story that grown-ups told to scare naughty children and keep them from the outskirts of town. She knew better she thought, as she watched him walk into the dark woods.
[This message has been edited by tempest (edited December 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by tempest (edited December 08, 2008).]
posted
hi tempest....not real hooky for me atm....I don't know whether to feel concerned , scared,...is this a stalker? a fredie kruger?.....looked around (to) the woods? last sentence a little troubling to me also but not sure why I think if you can create some suspense...the hook would be there but so far I can't distinguish the man as anything more than a street person.....
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The hook for me is that the PoV has seen somebody or something that isn't supposed to be real. That could work.
The intro might be stronger if you focused on the mystery, rather than the misery of the PoV. I don't know the PoV, yet, so I don't much care about how they feel. When I read a piece that begins with the PoV in tears I feel like I've been cornered by that weepy drunk in a bar and my flight instinct kicks in. Emotion means more to me if I know who is experiencing it and have a reason to care about them.
There's some redundancy in the last paragraph. “Woods” is repeated 3 times.
posted
Thanks for the comments! honu- yeah, not alot of info up front on 'him', I'll see what i can do. Toby W.- I can see what you're saying about the emotional right away before caring about the MC. And, oops on the woods, didn't even see that.(missed the woods for the trees?)
posted
There's a hook for me but it almost comes too late. I'd rather see less of Amelia's teen angst and more hints about the "him." Some description of him would hook me. Right now I don't know if he's the same species as she is or something completely different.
posted
Thanks kings_falcon, I'm working on revising it, concentrating more on 'him'. He's a legend, but very real as her tormentors come to find out.
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Amelia glanced around to the woods. On occasion, she had caught a glimpse of him there, just for a second, tall and grim, as he turned and disappeared into the shadows of the trees. He looked ominous, but he didn‘t feel ominous to her. Was he really the Dark Man, the one who steals souls and feeds their bodies to the river? Most of the other children didn’t believe in him, or at least they said they didn’t, that it was just a tale that grown-ups told to scare naughty children and keep them from the outskirts of town and the old stone bridge. She knew better she thought as she watched him glance at her then walk slowly into the gloomy wood.
[This message has been edited by tempest (edited December 07, 2008).]
MUCH better hook this time. Watch for redundencies, like so: "... she had caught a glimpse of him there, just for a second..." The first implies the second, so you don't need it.
In addition, you could shorten the first part of the fifth sentence (if I counted right, it's the fifth), and say something like "Most of the other children claimed they didn't believe in him, that it was just a tale..."
Hope that helps. Let me know if or when you're interested in readers. I can start critting short stories again after my finals are done on Thursday.
posted
BoredCrow, Thank you so much, it does help! And YES I would like a reader. I haven't finished it yet, hope to tonight. It's a real mess at this point but I'll finish it and clean it up a bit-it'll probably take till after thursday anyway. If you're still interested, I'll send it to you. thanks again! tempest-
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posted
Much more accessible. You might like to start with a time when Amelia sees the Dark Man, rather than several non-specific occasions.
quote: Amelia glanced towards the woods and saw him, just for a second...
Could stand a little tightening up and "She knew better" needs some commas. Moving her thoughts into the 1st person might help bring the character to life?
Niggles aside, a nice rewrite. Good luck with this.
posted
This is mildly creepy. A change in the last line will add to the creepiness. But first…
quote:Amelia glanced around to the woods
This sounds like double speak to me. Either glanced around or glanced at the woods I think would clear it up.
quote:She knew better she thought as she watched him glance at her then walk slowly into the gloomy wood.
I think she thought as should be cut and She knew better should be a sentence on its own. I think you could rework the rest of the sentence to elevate the creepiness you already teed up for us.
She knew better. Amelia watched as his eyes fixated on her, then witnessed him walk into the gloomy wood, disappearing as if he melted into the shadows of the trees.
Just an idea, Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 07, 2008).]
Toby W.- I will play around a little and see what happens. Question: If I move her thoughts to 1st person, do I have to change the overall POV to first person?
snapper- the "she knew better" part has bugged me for a while. I have tried several different things unsuccessfully, but you tidied it up nicely! I'm going to try to tighten it some more.
“Would he be there?” Amelia thought as she glanced at the woods. On occasion, she had caught a glimpse of him there, tall and grim, as he turned and disappeared into the shadow of the trees. He looked ominous, but he didn‘t feel ominous to her. Was he really the Dark Man, the one who steals souls and feeds their bodies to the river? Most of the other children claimed they didn‘t believe in him, that he was just a tale that grown-ups told to scare naughty children, keeping them from the outskirts of town and the old stone bridge. She knew better. She stood motionless, watching him. His black eyes burned their way into her. She held her breath as he moved slowly into the gloomy wood, disappearing as if into mist.
posted
snapper, Yeah, I think I see what you mean. The "On occasion" part is giving me all kinds of trouble, possibly because originally it was coming off another thought that isn't there any more. Maybe I'll cut it out or rewrite it somewhere else.
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