posted
Looking for readers of this completed 5K word sci-fi short story... (And suggestions for a better title!)
Here are the first 13 - crit away on those:
The bell chimed once but Montfoil ignored it, intent on transcribing what he felt to be a particularly insightful portion of his polemic on the Contact Treaty. Withdrawing his quill from the inkwell he scratched it across the vellum in grand strokes, his eyes narrowed in concentration. Before he could complete his thought, however, the bell chimed again more insistently, then continued on in a steady stream: Ding-ding. Ding-ding-ding. Ding-dingdingdingdingding. He grimaced as the words fled from his head, vanishing into the ether. Damn him! He has the worst timing… Montfoil slapped the nubbin of his quill on the desk
posted
I'll take a look. I might not be able to give it one of my super legendary crits, like the ones you've probably heard about, the ones that are synonymous with the name, 'Troy' -- the ones that so many published writers of short stories of the roughly 5,000 word range have credited, at least partially, for being responsible for the publication of their stories, but I could, at least, take a pass at it, give some general comments -- perhaps not the epiphany inducing miracles which are my usual comments -- but I could give it a quickover.
Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
This line pulled me out of the pov. Read to me as if someone was watching him, versus him narrowing his eyes in concentration.
(insistently) There is no need to tell, as you do such a good job of showing it with, the line of the, steady stream. The line of dings, didnt really work for me, but that may be just be me. I might suggest just 2 and have them fade out and then go into the next line.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
