quote:Cobberstone wasn't a very forward dragon, as far as dragons go. He didn't enjoy capturing and devouring young maidens, or even their shining knight rescuers, the few times he did so just to keep up appearances with his peers. He didn't have much use for jewel and gold hordes, or for terrorizing villages or making off with their livestock. In truth, he wasn't all that keen on being a dragon. He thought he might rather be a human bard or a musician. There was a way for that to happen. Ogelthorpe the wizard would sometimes help humans and creatures that found themselves at odds with their lives to change into something else. Cobberstone decided to go see him.
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quote:Cobberstone no longer wanted to be a dragon. He didn't enjoy capturing and devouring young maidens. Or fighting shining knight rescuers, though he did it a few times to keep up appearances with his friends. He didn't have much use for jewel and gold hordes, or for terrorizing villages and making off with their livestock. In truth, he thought he might rather be a human. Perhaps a bard or musician. Cobberstone decided to go see Ogelthorpe the wizard. # After flying the better part of the day Cobberstone landed at Ogelthorpe's small keep. He lumbered up to the door and carefully knocked . Of course he tore the door from it's hinges,
[This message has been edited by honu (edited December 21, 2008).]
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I like the opening until the wizard part. I enjoyed the dragon's voice, light and humurous. Then it starts telling too much. I heard the dragon's voice and I like him, now I need to be shown what's happenning next. If I were you I would stop the telling after you say "There was a way for that to happen." Then start the scene with him going to the wizard, or talking to him or whatever. Show me the wizard. I don't need to know before hand that he helps, I get that as soon as you say he's a wizard.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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I agree that the narration is amusing, but in itself it is not a hook. I also agree that there is an awful lot of telling here. Perhaps bring in the internal conflict a little sooner. Even a slight change could do it. My Take: Cobberstone wasn't much of a dragon. As far as that went, he wasn't even sure he wanted to be a dragon. He didn't enjoy capturing young maidens never mind eating them. He battled would-be rescuers only to keep up appearances. He had no use for jewels and couldn't even bring himself to hoard gold. As for terrorizing villages and making off with their livestock? ...Sometimes Cobberstone thought he would rather be a human. A bard or a musician sounded nice.
Even that is a lot of telling, but you can get away with that much if the story starts right away. I agree with Satate that you should mention the wizard and then start showing us the story.
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thanks satate and Cheyne ver 2 is posted, I tried to get right into Cobberstone's thoughts and decisions, does ver 2 work better? Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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lol no i never heard of it so I guess a name change is in order....after reading the wiki it....the story reminds me of that movie where sean connery did the dragons voice though....my plot line is nothing like the wiki....or the movie ....so after the name change I should be all right...thanks for the heads up Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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I thought about your 'Dragon coming out of a closet' metaphored opening last night. I believe I know why your piece fails to hook.
This feels like a childrens fairy tale. All that's missing is colorful pictures. I don't think that's what you want.
I suggest that you start the story with Cobblestone in the Wizard castle. You could axe those info-dumps and use dialog instead. Have the wizard ask your dragon why he doesn't want to be a dragon.
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Hey Honu, I like your opening. I think Snapper's idea is a great one. I was wondering if you wanted any readers?
Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2008
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heyas snapper and tempest....interesting that you thought it had a child's fairy tale feel to it and also interesting that satate, Cheyne and tempest found some amusement in the story...this was my first attempt to write some child oriented fiction and I was trying for that orientation and to add some humor lol.... I heard a blurb on npr this weekend (national public radio) where a publisher was being interviewed and was asked what was happening in the novel industry...she said their sales had taken a noticeable economy related hit...also when asked about the e zine kindle type stuff she said it will continue to grow but it only represents less than 1% of the market...boo, hiss huh?...then she went on to say that while there had been a decline in adult fiction, there had actually been a 300% increase in children's sales !!! wow huh? when asked about it she said adults consider their reading a luxury so they don't buy as much and use the library more...whereas children's book sales are seen as a necessity....therefore guess who is trying some children's writing lol? btw this was sent off as a 1000 word flash so I will gladly take any readers so when it gets rejected ....I will do better next time thanks guys as always!! Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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Think about going into deeper POV when you get to the part about jewels and gold. For example, rather than just stating "He didn't have much use..." give us the idea from Cobberstone's perspective. Something like "And sleeping on lumpy piles of gold? It left him dreaming of feather beds and goose down pillows."
As you get deeper into POV, you can drop some of your tags. "In truth, he thought he might rather be a human." can become "In truth, he might rather be a human."
Hordes v. hoards. The former is a throng of people, the latter a stash of valuables. I would also recommend "hoards of gold" rather than "gold hoards".
If it's aimed at kids "keep up appearances" might be above their heads.
In your revision you've lost the motive for going to visit Ogelthorpe. Giving more POV from your Cobberstone should solve that.
"Of course he tore the door from it's hinges," that's terrific. Give it a period instead of a common with another clause for max effect. Also "its" instead of "it's".
[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited December 22, 2008).]
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ver 2 is posted, I tried to get right into Cobberstone's thoughts and decisions, does ver 2 work better? 
