posted
My first attempt at something this short. Opinions on the 1st thirteen and readers of the whole thing are welcome.
Original 1st thirteen
Aldon hated the dust. He hated the way it dulled the gleam of his armors, the way it stole the color from his tapestries, and most of all he hated its relentlessness. Aldon imagined a creature, all brown and thorny and tentacled, growling and laughing and lashing its great dusty appendages through all the halls of the palace each night.
Aldon chuckled and continued his cleaning. “Good day, Lord Rimbolt,” he said to the skeleton inside the armor he was working on. “Looks like rain today.” He stepped over the sprawled form of Lord Rimbolt and his shimmering suit of black-enameled armor. Beautiful, but black collected the most dust.
Near mid-morning, Aldon had already dusted and polished his way through the entire outer ward, around the kitchens--he
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited February 16, 2009).]
quote:He hated the way it dulled the gleam of his armors, the way it stole the color from his tapestries, and most of all he hated its relentlessness.
What do you mean by his armors and his tapestries? This makes it sound like they are Aldon's, but Aldon sounds like the caretaker. I suggest you change the 'his' to 'the'.
quote: he said to the skeleton inside the armor he was working on.
I suggest you cut the 'he was working on'.
The prose is fine but the premise?
Is it a story about a guy dusting? If it is it better be the best damn 'guy dusting' story ever. If not, do you really want to open a 1000 word piece like this? I am not seeing much of a conflict brewing. I hope teh next couple of paragraghs blows the reader away.
posted
Hey snapper. I guess I thought a guy dusting a castle full of dead people would be just crazy enough to think of them as "his" tapestries and "his" armor.
I don't think the skeleton in the armor had as much of a hook as I was going for.
The hook is supposed to be: Why is this guy dusting the armor of a dead people sprawled out on the floor?
posted
Well, I wasn't aware there was more than one skeleton in that castle. You only mentioned the one in the black suit of armor. Guy dusting suits of armor with dead people in them is a hook. Guy dusting because its dirty is someone that I wish my wife would invite over. I suggest you focus on the skeletons, and not the dust.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hey - I actually really liked the first paragraph and I jumped immediately from one skeleton in a suit of armor to a whole bunch of skeletons in all the armor. I assumed there was a battle in the castle or something and he's a crazy old coot/survivor who insists on dusting the battlefield.
The thing that threw me off a little was the chuckling. Is he laughing at his own whimsy? I think it might have helped me if it said that, explicitly (4-5 more words?). You went from this rhetoric of hatred and monsters to him laughing as he dusted and it gave me a bit of whip-lash. :-)
posted
Yeah, I meant for him to be laughing at the thought of a dust monster, to avoid any thought that it's real (this is fantasy after all).
Here's a slightly altered version. Any better?
2nd version - 1st thirteen
Aldon hated the dust. He hated the way it dulled the gleam of the armors, the way it stole the color from the tapestries, and most of all he hated its relentlessness. He imagined a creature, all brown and thorny and tentacled, growling and laughing and lashing its great dusty appendages through all the halls of the palace each night.
“Good day, Lord Rimbolt,” he said to the skeleton inside the armor. “Looks like rain today.” He stepped over the sprawled form of Lord Rimbolt and his shimmering suit of black-enameled armor. Beautiful, but black collected the most dust, and today everyone, armored and unarmored alike, seemed extra dusty.
Near mid-morning, Aldon had already scrubbed and polished his way through the entire outer ward, around the kitchens--he
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited February 17, 2009).]
posted
I disagree with snapper about the his versus the tapestries, castle etc. For me that was part of the hook, the idea that this aparent caretaker feels ownership over all these things that aren't his. It added an element of character that isn't there with the in place of his. The little pov touches like that add a lot to the piece.
Otherwise, from your own comment I don't think the hook did what you were hoping. I was curious about the skeleton in the armor, but I didn't immediatley jump to he is dusting many dead armored people. My first thought was actually that this one skeleton was the old lord of the castle, and the only skeleton in it. I pictured the duster almost like a Wall-E character, endlessly plying his trade even though nobody is there.
I would be willing to take a look at the whole thing though, I am curious as to where you are going with it.
posted
Okay, I like your premise, but I only got it after you said what it was. I think you could ramp up the tension by noting the hero's reactions to all these skeletons. E.g., 'It unnerved him to be cleaning the armour of so many dead. All this armour meant he had no choice but to remember why he was here.'
That's not the best example, but hopefully you get the idea.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
