posted
here's a sci-fi story I'm writing// Is it hooky? would you read more? I have it first draft ready at 1200 words and am looking for readers ver 1 /
quote: The last ship from Garan lifted quietly on its thrusters with a whoosh. Aboard were the rich and the poor, the good and the bad, in short, a cross section representative of the whole planet. Those who stood below watching her lift felt a wide spectrum of emotions. Some hated. Some envied. Some wished the travelers well. Those were usually relatives of the travelers who saw Garan's future in the ship bearing their planet's name. Lisaan gazed out from the observation lounge at the planet below her, receding ever further as time past. Through her tears, she saw the explosions as the planet's core pushed it's way to the surface. The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that it threw
ver 2 /
quote:Lisaan gazed out from the observation lounge at the planet below her, receding ever further as time past. Through her tears, she saw the beginnings of the explosions as the planets core pushed it's way to the surface. The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that it never recovered. Garan looked like an blue and brown egg that was hatching. Magma poured through the cracks then quickly covered the enitre planet. There was a collective gasp as Garan flared in brightness to nearly the level of its sun. Nothing lived there anymore.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 11, 2009).]
posted
The first two paragraphs really didn't hook me at all. The last paragraph might.
The last ship from Garan lifted quietly on its thrusters with a whoosh which is it, quietly, or with a whoosh?. Aboard were the rich and the poor, the good and the bad, in short, a cross section representative of the whole planet I'm not really drawn in by this sentence. And I'm a bit skeptical. cross section by whose estimation?. Those who stood below watching her lift felt a wide spectrum of emotions. Some hated. Some envied. Some wished the travelers well. Those were usually relatives of the travelers who saw Garan's future in the ship bearing their planet's name This doesn't tell me more than I already expect. Of course there's going to be a variety of emotions, unless the people are all empathically connected or something. Isn't there something more salient or on point that you can tell us?. Lisaan gazed out from the observation lounge at the planet below her, receding ever further as time past You've already told us she's on the ship and the ship has whooshed off. This doesn't add a lot. Through her tears, she saw the explosions as the planet's core pushed it's itsway to the surface. The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that it threw
I think the problem is that the first two paragraphs are info dumps. They might work if the subject material and or the information you convey is more interesting, but as written, it falls really flat for me.
posted
I don't really feel that the first two paragraphs are really necessary at all. If Lisaan is your MC, I think you should get to her right away. Your third paragraph is really where things start to get interesting. At this point, I'm not invested in the story enough to care that it is a cross section of society, or what the people on the ground thought of the ones on the ship.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
thanks annepin and Bycin ///I was trying an omni pov then a zoom in///nevertheless the omni was pretty ho-hum I admit thanks Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
I liked version two very much but I don't know where the story is heading--I'm not saying that it has to become apparent in the first thirteen. I am more patient than some. But where is it headed? Colonization? I have read many coloization stories(thank you Andre Norton and Anne Mccafrey), I would not particularly relish reading another if it is the same old. But the general story setting has my interest--fleeing a dying world. I would find it more interesting if it were a war that had caused its fate not dumb luck... But I am rambling. I would like to read the whole story. Send it along.
Posts: 604 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
It seems that the general consensus of the first version is that the first two paragraphs took away from the story more than it gave. While I agree with Bycin that they don't seem necessary and were, as Annepin said, infodumps, I have to admit that the first version interested me more than the second. The first version had a sense of drama that I enjoyed. Particularly, two sentences caught my attention.
The first: "The last ship from Garan lifted quietly on its thrusters with a whoosh."
The second: "...Garan's future in the ship bearing their planet's name."
I liked both of these sentences because they established the mood for me. The last ship of Garan, the last. There was some power in that word "last" when I read it. It gave hint of the trouble you described more vividly in the second version and also lent a feeling of abandonment, a little bit of desperation. Desperation that I feel was reinforced by the second phrase. But the second phrase gives it a little hope. The ship, Garan's future, is lifting off, both running away and heading towards a new goal.
Maybe I'm looking at this too poetically, but those are my thoughts on those two specific lines. Taking a step back and looking at it more stylistically, I once again have to agree with Annepin. In the first line, using both "quietly" and "whoosh" may be too much sound description.
Nitpicky stuff for second version:
"Through her tears, she saw the beginnings of the explosions as the planets core pushed it's way to the surface." (First, I'm not sure if it should be "beginning" without the "s" or what you have now. Also, "planet's" instead of "planets"
"The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that it never recovered." (The subject of the second "it" is not clear, so you may wish to switch it with "the planet".)
"Garan looked like an blue and brown egg that was hatching." (A blue and brown egg.)
I realize the level of this attention to detail may not be what you're asking for, so if you don't like it, please tell me to back off. I don't want to offend.
posted
thanks Seraphiro you picked up exactly what I was trying to evoke in version one bravolissimo. I sometimes feel like there's so many ways to tell the story and it's encouraging to me when someone perceives a nuance that isn't obvious. Both versions have flaws and possibilities I think also.
Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
You're welcome, but I was wondering whether you were going to do a version three of the first thirteen lines. Either way, I want to read the whole story - if you're looking for readers of the whole thing, of course. If you want me to read and comment, just email it to me. Hope to hear from you.
Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2009
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posted
The idea is enough to hook me, but not the writing. You've got a few incorrect word choices and grammatical errors. I would probably have the planet's explosion in the first sentence and then go from there, but then again I've never sold a story. Tighten it up and don't describe the same thing more than once.
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