posted
Looking for readers and critiques on the first 13. _____________________________________________________________________________________
A child’s footprints trailed along the snow. They started at an old grey house lit with the warmth of light and moved past a decaying barn. They stopped where a boy named John stood looking down at a body. The body lay face down and entrapped in the roots of flowers with colors ranging from purple to yellow. But under the entangling roots, John could still see his older brother’s face; a face that had aged well beyond a boy of only fifteen years. He wanted to comprehend why his brother became a Giver, but a Giver couldn’t live like the old ways. A Giver does not feel, hear, see, talk, adventure. A Giver just lay’s there. “Father said I could be a Keeper like him one day, but I don’t think I want to be a Keeper,” John spoke as he looked into the horizon at the outer mountain range.
posted
Hi. It seems like there are some interesting concepts buried in this story. I'd like to recommend that you rethink the opening sentences. The 3rd Person Omniscient to 3rd Person limited thing is somewhat discomforting to read. The references to "Giver" and "Keeper" seem to come way too early. As a readeer I was put off. If I were in a bookstore, I'd probably place this one back on the shelf. Gently though, and with great care.
That being said, I am somewhat curious as to what a Giver is, so if you could find a way of easing us (the readers) into that concept I think this has a chance of working better for the type of reader that I am.
posted
I agree that the change in POV is a bit distracting. The first couple of sentences don't seem necessary; the story starts with the boy looking at his brother. I am interested in why someone would choose to simply lay so long that roots grow over him. Throwing out the terms Giver and Keeper in such quick succession strikes me too much too fast. Also it seems you have an errant apostophe in lays.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
