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Author Topic: Angry Sailor
tgwharton
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This is all I've got. It just popped out. Any comments welcome.

Petty Officer Jared Hicks stood in the navy legal office dirty, tired, and pissed off. He was trying to get his legal affairs in order prior to deployment when a fat Chief with a sparkling uniform showed up. The Chief stormed out of the snack room, noticed the untidy uniform and proceeded to provide forceful on the spot training. Jared just didn’t care. He would never see this prick again after he left this office, and didn’t have the energy to explain to him that he had spent the previous 36 hours doing real man’s work and would return directly to the sub to deploy. He estimated this guy had seen maybe two weeks of sea time during his entire career and would soon collect a pension for it. He took the verbal abuse and silently cursed the regulations that he didn’t have time for.

[This message has been edited by tgwharton (edited January 28, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by tgwharton (edited January 28, 2009).]


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Bent Tree
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While I was not particularly taken by the genre(I got no hint of speculative and the militatry stuff doesn't usually grab my attention) I thought this was both readable and interesting. I think there could be more of a hint toward the conflict. There was subtle conflict but simple dissatisfaction with superior officers in the military mildly iplies that there will be more, it doesn't do much to generate my interest. It could be that this isn't SF, but I just come to expect it or speculative horror or fantasy in this forum.
If there is a SF or supernatural speculative event I might hint at it if possible without disturbing the plot.
Otherwise this is clean, clear reading with a good, forward-moving flow.

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JenniferHicks
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I'm not sure where the speculative element is, but beyond that I see some telling that could become showing. What affairs is Hicks putting in order? What did the chief say? Also, "sparkling" brings up an interesting image of the chief's uniform and I wonder whether you could find a more accurate word.
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