quote:

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Lisaan gazed out from the observation dome at her planet receding below her. Through her tears, she saw the beginning of the explosions as the planets core pushed its way to the surface. The scientists were right. The comet cracked the mantle so badly when it hit that the planet never recovered.
Garan looked like a blue and brown egg that was hatching. Magma poured through the cracks then quickly covered the entire planet.
There was a collective gasp as Garan flared in brightness to nearly the level of its sun.. Nothing lived there anymore.
* * *
Lisaan woke from a nightmare where she turned away in panicked flight from fiery fissures that opened in every direction .

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[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 29, 2009).]

I thought the imagery here was really well done, but there were some parts that I might've changed. The italicized parts are the parts I'd nix or change, and the bolded ones are the ones I liked.

(1): I'd rewrite it instead of nix it. The beginning of this sentence was nice, but it started to fade afterward. Maybe, "She saw as the planet erupted with explosions of magma."

(2):I'd change it to something like "Mimicking the brightness of the sun nearby," or something to that extent.

(3): I'd take this out, only because if the planet was gone, this statement would be kind of redundant.