I would appreciate a couple of few dedicated readers. I apologize for having two on the board at the same time and I won't ask to burden those of my other with another MS.

*Crosses Fingers*

I suppose it was the very nature of my guise which unraveled twelve years of deceit. It appeared that A-dog had an affinity for boys.
My struggle with him was equal parts confession and discovery.
“You shiesty little b@#$*,” he exclaimed as his hand found the truth in the darkness. “One word of this and I will cut out your mother's heart and eat it,” he told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands. Then he pushed me away. But this had harsher repercussions for me. I would now have to make the brides walk, above ground.
I didn’t keep it from mother. She was smart, too smart to be a breeder. Too smart to exchange DNA with A-dog. Besides, it didn’t matter. She would realize soon enough that our cover had been blown.

*EDIT*

quote:

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I suppose it was the very nature of my guise which unraveled twelve years of deceit. It appeared that A-dog had an affinity for boys.
My struggle with him was equal parts confession and discovery.
“You shiesty little b@#$*,” he exclaimed as his hand found the truth in the darkness. “One word of this and I will cut out your mother's heart and eat it.” He told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands. Then he pushed me away. But this had harsher repercussions for me. I would now have to make the brideswalk, above ground.
I didn’t keep it from mother. She was smart, too smart to be a breeder. Too smart to exchange DNA with A-dog. Besides, it didn’t matter. She would realize soon enough that our cover had been

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“One word of this and I will cut out your mother's heart and eat it.” He told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands.

I think this should read "...eat it," he told me, clenching...

I would now have to make the brides trip, above ground.

This line confused me a little. My initial thought was that it was supposed to be bride's trip and the apostrophe was accidentally left out, but then I wondered if brides trip was a ceremony of some sort and would be better off if it were capitalized. Given the title of the piece, I'm assuming it's intended to read bride's trip. The comma is somewhat disorienting and may be misplaced. I might just be reading it wrong, though.

Other than that it looks pretty smooth. I like the name A-dog and am intrigued by the references to breeders. The brides trip interests me as well, even though I'm still not sure what it means.

Hope this feedback helps you out some. Keep up the good work.

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited January 29, 2009).]

My take,

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I suppose it was the very nature of my guise which unraveled twelve years of deceit.

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This line comes closer to pissing me off than intriguing me. It felt like you are intentionally keeping information and forcing us to read on to figure out what this means.

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It appeared that A-dog had an affinity for boys.

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Two things about this. The line does little to satisfy any curiosity about the first line, in fact it adds to the confusion. Then there is the A-dog name. I can't help thinking about alpha dog. Maybe that's what you meant. I suspect it is a slang term. Nevertheless, it doesn't endear me to your piece at this point.

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My struggle with him was equal parts confession and discovery.

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I am having trouble wrapping my brain around this line. I almost know what you are meaning to say. I think you eithe rplaced this to early in the piece for it to be meaningful or it needs tweaking to have the effect you desire'

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“You shiesty little b@#$*,” he exclaimed as his hand found the truth in the darkness.

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Drop the he exclaimed speech tag. It is telling and redundant since it is quite clear that he is exclaiming by his dialog. In fact, I would flip the sentence.

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His hand found the truth in the darkness. "You shiesty little b@#$*"

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quote:

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“One word of this and I will cut out your mother's heart and eat it.” He told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands.

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Same here. Flip the senetences and lose the speech tag...

quote:

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He clenched my jaw with his coarse hands. "One word of this and I will cut out your mother's heart and eat it."

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The premise sounds interseting but not compelling enough to hook me as a reader.