Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Worm of the Waste2.0-Horror-2800 words

   
Author Topic: The Worm of the Waste2.0-Horror-2800 words
Merlion-Emrys
Member
Member # 7912

 - posted      Profile for Merlion-Emrys   Email Merlion-Emrys         Edit/Delete Post 
I've posted this here before, but I just got done with some revisions...moved the begining around a bit and tried to re order and polish the prose itself.

Comments on the begining are good I'd really love some full reads though.


Chris didn't have a relationship with his alcoholic mother, or any other member of the human race, for that matter. None of them was worth his time. But he had found something that was. Something that had developed a powerful hold on his mind
He walked through the industrial district each day on his way home from the single tiny building and collection of ramshackle trailers they called a high school. That was how he had come to notice the abandoned factory. He called it The Waste.
As he left school today, he had passed by all the active factories as smoke poured from their chimneys and the machines within ground away like the beating of some mechanical pulse.

Here's a second altered version...I may be a little over I'm not sure...


Chris didn't have a relationship with the human race. Not even his own mother. They weren’t worth his time. But he had found something that was. Something that had developed hold on him stronger than any man, woman or child ever could.
He walked home from the ramshackle collection of trailers they called a high school through the industrial district. He passed by all the active factories, smoke pouring from their chimneys, the machines within grinding away like the beating of some mechanical pulse.
Finally, he came to a stretch of chain link fence around a vast, deserted parking lot that led to a huge, abandoned factory complex. It sprawled across several connected buildings of different sizes, like the discarded shell of some enormous

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 17, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 19, 2009).]


Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey M-E,

It's been awhile since I showed you a little attention. Let's see what you got.

quote:
Chris didn't have a relationship with his alcoholic mother, or any other member of the human race, for that matter.

An okay opening line. You could probably do without for that matter.

quote:
None of them was worth his time. But he had found something that was. Something that had developed a powerful hold on his mind.

This could use some trimming. I suggest you start with None of them was. 'Them' is supposed to refer to two things. His singular 'alcholic mother' and the plural encompassing 'human race'. It makes me stumble thinking about. Try something more econmical such as They weren't.
I am not a fan of starting a sentence with a conjunction. I suggest you replace the first period with a comma.
I also think that last sentence should be cut. It telegraphs what the story is about. I think that info should be leaked in more subtly as the story progresses. So how about this...

They weren't worth his time, but he found something that was.


quote:
He walked through the industrial district each day on his way home from the single tiny building and collection of ramshackle trailers they called a high school.

This is good. I liked it.

quote:
That was how he had come to notice the abandoned factory. He called it The Waste.

Chris's power of observation worries me. That or the abandon factory fell out of the sky. I suggest you italisize The Waste as well. Maybe change this to look something like...

Everyday he passed the abandon factory he came to know as The Waste.

quote:
As he left school today, he had passed by all the active factories as smoke poured from their chimneys and the machines within ground away like the beating of some mechanical pulse.

I suggest you change As he left school today to something more economical so it will flow easier. The 'had' needs to go as well since you are explaning action as it happens. The rest of this should be split into two sentences. Maybe something like...

He watched the smoke pour out of the chimneys of the active factories as he walked home from another unfulfilling day at school. The machines beat their rhythmic pulse as they ground away within the drab structures.

Just a few ideas for you. Hope it helps!


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Christian
Member
Member # 7825

 - posted      Profile for Christian   Email Christian         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Merlion, I remember reading the other version, and I like this one much better. I liked the mystery behind him finding something much better and, as a reader, I was intrigued enough to keep on reading.

I agree with snapper on most points. The two things I noticed were "none of them was worth his time". The 'was' should have been 'were'. And "As he left left school today, he had passed by..." could have flowed better as "When he'd left school that day he had passed..." but other than those two minor details I liked the start.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Merlion-Emrys
Member
Member # 7912

 - posted      Profile for Merlion-Emrys   Email Merlion-Emrys         Edit/Delete Post 
Added an altered version
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2