posted
Hey, feedback on the intro would be beautiful, but I'm also keeping an eye out for anyone willing to read the whole thing. It's at about 2.25k words right now... thanks much! ~ Forgot to mention the genre. It's sci-fi :]
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When he awoke, the man’s breath was slow and even, and it took several moments for his mind to take in his immediate surroundings. Intravenous and electrode patches clung loosely to his bare chest and arms; as he sat up they peeled from his skin, littering the floor. The lower half of his body, from his waist to his ankles, was wrapped tightly in damp sheet. After briefly tugging at the cloth in an unsuccessful attempt to free his legs, he lay back again, shifting his shoulders uncomfortably on the hard surface beneath him. A faint hum filled the room, just as three attendants appeared from behind a panel in the wall, which swept aside with a hiss. They stepped inside purposefully, one pushing a small cart on silent wheels.
[This message has been edited by Gihorn Hammerlord (edited February 17, 2009).]
First off I liked the writing, It flowed well. I would suggest trying to rework the start of your story though, so we don't start with a waking up scheme. Others will tell you it is overused. It might be as simple as removing the lines that lead to us seeing him waking up. why not start with
---- The man’s breath was slow and even. Intravenous and electrode patches clung loosely to his bare chest.... ---
If there is no real relevence for the waking up, id leave it out.
posted
Makes perfect sense. I kinda noticed that myself, but couldn't think of a better way to start when I hammered it out. I'll get cracking on that, but until then!
Right now, my main focus has been on natural dialogue... it's always been an issue for me.