posted
This is an opening for a story that I have been refusing to write for a while. Today I decided to give it a chance. I am mostly curious about whether the concept is interesting enough or not. Any comments on the first 13 are welcome.
Original:
After days of hibernation, it was taking a while for Ben to catch his regular pace. But at every step, with every sucking sound coming from the hydropads on the soles of his aching feet, he could feel the dizziness dissipating more and more. Covering his eyes, Ben moved his gaze in the cloudless sky. Tomorrow morning, he thought. A couple of hours in the open would be enough to get the batteries working. Then a good night’s sleep would handle the rest. And with his metabolism back to normal, it would take less than a month’s walk to the meeting place.
He kept waddling for more than an hour, until beads of perspiration started forming on his forehead. Then he let his body fall, leaning his back against a rock. The sound of the river was like the song of a siren calling him back to the
Revised with clarifications:
After days of hibernation, it was taking a while for Ben to catch his regular pace. But at every step, with every sucking sound coming from the hydro-pads on the soles of his aching feet, he could feel the dizziness dissipating more and more. Covering his eyes, he moved his gaze in the cloudless sky. Tomorrow morning, he thought. A couple of hours in the open would be enough to charge his solar batteries completely. A good night’s sleep would handle the rest. Once his photosynthesis rate was back to normal, it would take less than a month’s walk to the meeting place.
He kept waddling along the river bank for more than an hour, until beads of perspiration started forming on his forehead. Then he let his body fall, leaning his back against a rock. The sound of
[This message has been edited by Icared (edited February 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Icared (edited February 23, 2009).]
posted
I'm having a bit of trouble following the concept...when you say hibernation i take it literally...is Ben battery powered? If he is and that's why he was hibernating ....then you might have something here to work with... as it is I'm sure if it's literal or not...
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I was not sure how clear I wanted to make it, but he has a photosynthesis cell installed in his body. (Hydropads sucks water in and the battery is charged with solar power etc)
Do you think making it more clear from the beginning would be better?
posted
I think more clarification from the beginning might be helpful. I had this image of a guy hibernating in a building, going outside to do some sort of repairs on a solar panel system, and then going back inside to sleep... and then he was going to walk somewhere? Once you explained it, it makes a lot more sense.
The main questions I have right now are: what woke him out of hibernation; and who is going to meet, where, why? So I guess, with your clarifications, that makes me hooked...
posted
I still find that it's unclear that the solar batteries are part of him and not something connected to a device he owns (the way you'd say "I charge my cell-phone battery"). What if you tweaked: "A couple of hours in the open would be enough to charge his solar batteries completely" to something like: A couple of hours in the open would be enough to charge the solar batteries that... (kept him powered, kept him going - only with better phrasing - something that makes it utterly clear that you're talking about His batteries).
And I'd lose the "Then" at the beginning of the next sentence - it's not necessary. "A good night's sleep would..." is sufficient.
"And with his photosynthesis level back to normal, it would take less than a month’s walk to the meeting place." --> Needn't begin with "And" - save that for when it really counts. "Once his photosynthesis level [not crazy about that word "level" - how about "rate"? It's a reaction, after all] was back to normal..."
posted
Thanks for the suggestions AMPAglut. Made the changes you mentioned except the sentence about the battery. I guess I have to think of a better wording for that one. So even mentioning about the photosynthesis rate doesn't link the batteries to the whole concept, huh?
When I first thought of this, I looked around and was not able to see much that builds on a similar concept in short stories.(There was actually one story, that had people evolving photosynthesis skin). But I still thought the idea may be a bit of a cliche. So is it not? Is there anyone who can point me to a related short story, so I don't end up just replicating an idea?
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